Nick and Lexie's Half- Fast Blog

Hawaii Part I

2012-02-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

We got back this week from spending 9 days in Maui. It was my parents Christmas present to our family. And I couldn't have asked for a better gift. There is absolutely nothing better than being in the warm sun and water all day long. I named this post Part I because I have a lot more pictures (I know, big shocker); these are just the pictures from Nick's iphone. I have some good pictures on my camera, but I'm a little OCD about editing and so they may not be up for a little bit. Plus, it's late and I'm tired and feeling lazy, so I don't really have the desire to describe our vacation in detail. Until then, these will have to do . . .

Poem

2012-02-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have been very interested in poetry lately as a party of the healing and grieving process. Reading it, writing it, you name it. I ran across a poem the other day that really stayed with me. And I wanted to share it. If get really brave, maybe, just maybe, I will share some of the poetry I have written (but that is most likely a long shot). Sorry for the length:

A Sparrow Fell

A sparrow fell - and no one heard.

Nobody cared. It was just a bird.

From all the numberless flitting throng

Of sparrows, who would miss one song?

But God leaned down and whispered, "I care.

It was one of my sparrows, and I was there."

A little girl, all sunshine and laughter,

(And sometimes scoldings, with kisses after!)

And hurts to smooth over, and deeds to applaud-

A little girl fell! Where were you God?

A little girl fell! God, why weren't you there?

Is it only for sparrows and such that You care?

If you're God at all - then you could have prevented

This nightmare of pain! So You must have consented.

I've always believed You were loving and good.

I'd like to believe still - if only I could.

But God, if You love me, how can You allow

Such unbearable pain as I'm feeling right now?

Such helplessness - hopelessness - bitter regret-

So many tears have fallen; and yet

So many more that are still locked inside.

Oh, God - out there somewhere - have you ever cried?

I'm not even sure anymore that You're real.

But if You are, God - Do you care how I feel?

************************************

Beloved, I care! In the midst of your grief,

In the midst your stricken and crumbling belief,

In the midst of the blackness of total despair,

In the midst of your questioning, Child - I am there.

In the midst! Not far off in some vague fifth dimension,

But there, where you are, giving you My attention . . .

My constant attention - and not just today.

Since before you were born, I have loved you this way.

You're important to Me. Every hair on your head

I have numbered Myself! Can these tears that you shed

Go uncounted? Unnoticed? Nay, child; here I stand.

Close enough that each teardrop falls into My hand.

Nor am I stranger to anguish - to loss.

My own Son was taken one day - by a cross.

I know what you suffer. I know what you'll gain

If you'll let Me walk with you into your pain.

I'll carry your grief, and your sorrow I'll bear.

You've only to reach out your hand - I am there!

Fear nothing for Holland*. Your dear little girl

Is safe in My house - and all Heaven's awhirl

With the ring of her laughter, her quick eager smile.

And the things she's saving to show you - "after awhile."

Yes, I could have prevented - but Child, you can't see

With My perfect wisdom. Trust Holland to Me.

Of course you will miss her, but while you are weeping,

Remember it's only her body that's sleeping.

Her "self" is awake. Wide awake. As I said,

I am God of the living, not God of the dead.

She trusted Me, and My sure Word comes to pass:

"Who believes shall not die." That included your lass.

Let Me walk with you now, through the long, heavy days;

Let Me slowly begin changing heartache to praise.

Take hold of My hand, Child: take hold of My love.

I will lead you to joys that you yet know not of.

Your faith may be weak, and your trust incomplete,

But I'll not walk too fast for your stumbling feet.

* the original name in the Poem is Janet, but it works much better for me personally if I add my own daughter's name to it :)

To the American Continent . . .

2012-01-30T00:59:00.000-08:00

Later sucka!

See ya in February sometime . . . maybe. In the meantime, I will be here:

And I will be busy listening to Bon Iver, reading Girl with the Dragon Tatoo, Tina Fey's "Bossy Pants," and trying to give my skin the overdose of Vitamin D that it deserves.

Vegas!

2012-01-23T16:13:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I went to Vegas for my annual friends gathering. I very much needed some time with my lady friends. I had so much fun. But the downside is that I get very sad when I have to say good-bye to them.

Highlights of the trip were:
- The Celine Dion concert (deserves it's own post)
- Visiting Jacci at the Marquee
- Watching the Golden Globes and making endless lists of our "Top 5's"
- Teasing Amander about her new lover
- Trying to force Sam to date people in her ward
- Going for walks (much to Sam's dismay)
- Sam and Maggie cooking for us
- Owen putting on a little show for us and boosting my ego by smiling a little extra for me
- Talking, laughing, talking, and laughing

Seattle . . . I love you

2012-01-20T14:49:00.000-08:00

A week and a half ago, Nick invited Briz and I to come up with him to Seattle where he had to work. Last time we went was last June. I was very pregnant and Briz was puking her guts out the whole time, so I was a little weary. But it ended being a really fun trip where I got to explore the city with my little girl.

We stayed at the Westin in downtown Seattle, which was awesome because it was right next to everything. We could basically walk everywhere. The city was beautiful with all of its Christmas lights still up. Here's what we did:

- Slept, napped . . . a lot

- Swam in the indoor pool . . . a lot

- Walked around the city . . . a lot

- Saw a gang fight in an alley . . . just once (and a milestone for Briz)

- Ate at the Hard Rock Cafe, and we ate a lot

- Got some cupcakes from the famous "Yellow Leaf Cupcake" shop

- Went to the Seattle Aquarium, where Briz was afraid of most of the creatures we saw (except for the sea lion and sea otters because apparently she was convinced they loved her)

- Road the monorail down to the Seattle Center

- Tried to sneak into a children's play with a school group, but Briz did a terrible job at lying and trying to pass off for a 6 year old

- Watched CNN and Fox News a . . . a lot ( I know, I go crazy when I am on vacation)

- Rode the Seattle Trolley down to Lake Union

This picture is particularly for Mamanda. These otters were cuddling while sleeping and it was really cute. If I could appreciate such a sweet animal moment, I knew she would.

Briz on the monorail.

Beautiful People

2012-01-13T13:27:00.001-08:00

I normally like to read a fair amount. But lately my selection have been books all about death, grief, self-help, etc. They have been helpful, and it's always good for me to read things that help me heal as well as become more introspective. But I have read one book recently that I LOVE. It is called Grieving: the pain and the promise by Deanna Edwards. It is beautifully written and I want to share a quote from every single page that I read (that may be a warning). Here is one quote that I love and I feel is truly applicable to my life in the last few months. I have had so many wonderful people help me through this struggle. It's hard for me to put into words how grateful I am for these people. Sometimes I am in awe of how kind, empathetic, and selfless people can be.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just 'happen.' Growth can come in unexpected ways from the nooks and crannies of our life's experiences. In death and grief we do not need so much protection from painful experiences as we need the boldness to face them. We do not need as much to be tranquilized from pain as we need the strength to conquer it. If we choose to love, we must also have the courage to grieve. What a blessing to take time to pause from our well-meant efficiency and to realize that when a love is lost, our capacity to love is not lost also. From our grief can come growth."

-Roy Nichols-

For all the beautiful people in my life, and I hope you know who you are, thank you.

Stuff She Says

2012-01-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

I miss my iPad for a lot of reasons. But one in particular is because it was nice to have something to write down all of the random crap Briz says on a day to day basis. Some of it is a direct copycat of me. But other things, I honestly have no idea where she gets them. She really does talk like she's 15 and it scares me to no end! Here are some of her favorite things to say recently:

- "How about in 30 minutes?"

- "Cute necklace Mom!" or "Cute shoes Dad"

- "That matches!"

- "Leave me alone" generally when she's watching a movie or going to the bathroom

- "You tired Lou?" (this is directed to me). A lot of the questions she ask me end in saying Lou

- "You're not being very nice to me." to Nick or I when we are disciplining her

- She also likes to put her hands on your face when she kisses you and move her head around. When Nick asked her where she learned that, she said, "Enchanted."

- "Just a little bit?" This is when she is generally asking for a treat or something she knows she shouldn't have

- "That's my new favorite _" insert the word princess, movie, shirt,dress etc.

-"That's lovely."

Stuff We Did

2012-01-04T13:16:00.000-08:00

Quite a bit happened in December. So here is the list of stuff that happened:

1. Sierra and Landon came home. I made Sierra come with me to the Nike gym and do some of my workouts with me. It was fun having a buddy.

2. Paul, McKenna, and Dane also came for Christmas. Briz LOVES Paul and McKenna and also talks about their dogs still quite a bit.

3. Seeing as Briz loves their dogs, I tried to convince Nick to buy a dog for Christmas for Briz, but I failed.

4. On the 22nd (which is the 2 month marker of when Holland died), I cooked a big dinner for my family. We also made gingerbread houses.

5. Brizzy ate a whole lot of crap. Some of which I fought her on, some of which I didn't.

6. I made Christmas treats/plates to give to people and never delivered them. So I have A LOT of christmas treats all wrapped up, sitting on my dining room table. I keep trying to make Nick eat them, but he's trying to be all healthy. It's a little annoying.

7. Briz has spent lots of time with family and re-developed her crush on Landon. She has said at least five times randomly, "I miss Landon."

8. We went and saw Mission Impossible 4. Pretty good, but still not my favorite. I do, however, love Simon Pegg in it.

9. Worked on getting a real marker for Holland's grave. Right now, she has a temporary one that looks like this. Nick and I joke with people about just leaving this one there 'cause we're cheap, but most of the time people don't laugh. I guess it's a little awkward when you make morbid jokes, or so I'm told.

10. We visited Holland's grave numerous times. And I had to take a picture of the beautiful view of Mount Hoood. I still love going to her grave and just the cemetery in general. It gives me a sense of peace and calm and reminds me of beauty in life. Sidenote: on the righthand corner is the mausoleum where Grandma Cottle is. Holland is right next to her great grandma. It's a little comforting thinking about that.

11. We decided to not steal our tree off the side of the road and cut it down from the forest this year.

12. We attempted to play in the snow, but there really was none. It's been a warm and beautiful Winter, so I can't complain. But I was a little disappointed that I couldn't play in the snow with Briz. Behind her in this picture is the one small patch of snow I was able to find.

13. Briz and I got to spend lots of time with Nick because he was off work. Now Briz is having a hard time adjusting to Nick being gone. She gets bored with just me, and what can I say, her and Nick are two peas in a pod. They are WAY more alike than Briz and I.

14. Even still, Briz has been giving me lots of love this month (also lots of trouble . . .particularly when she flooded our bathroom floor). She actually cuddled with me for like 5 minutes the other day which is a new record. Either way, she has been very attached to her mom and dad and very concerned whether we're happy or sad with her.

15. On Christmas, we went to Church. I think this was one of Briz' favorite parts about Christmas, dressing up and getting to wear her new necklace from Nona AND her "Holly necklace."

16. I sang in the ward choir, while McKenna and Sierra sat in the congregation laughing at me. But either way, I felt the spirit very strongly and actually loved going to church on Christmas to feel like I could remember the Savior more.

17. Briz got reacquainted with Dane. The last time she saw him, she was still a little confused because it was right after Holland died. But she seemed to understand things much more this time. And just like with Holland, she wanted to hold Dane, but just for quick periods of time. And anytime he cried or spit up, she got a very disturbed look on her face and was quickly done being near him.

18. I spent some time playing with Dane, and what can I say he loved me :) It is a hard thing with him being so close in age to my baby girl. And in the past I have been somewhat apathetic to him. But I found this time that I really wanted to hold him and interract with him a lot. At the same time, it made me miss Holland. As I watched McKenna play and talk to him, I missed my relationship with my little girl. But either way, being with Dane, I had some very sweet moments. I had forgotten what a joy it was to have a baby around, and he reminded me of that.

19. Briz got some Christmas jammies on Christmas eve.

20. Briz got a new play kitchen along with a bunch of other crap. Her favorite items in her stocking were: her purse, bubblegum, and new princess shoes. I really didn't buy her anything besides stuff for a stocking and thank goodness! She is SO spoiled.

21. I am not really one to talk, because I also got really really spoiled. Nick bought me a digital piano and I am in love. I LOVE having a piano around to play. I want to play all the time, and I even started Briz on her first lessons :)

22. It was a relaxed Christmas where we spent pretty much all day opening presents. And there were some very sweet and tender moments. It was a good day. Nick's favorite present was a painting I had done of Holland by Alisha Whitman. I will post a picture of it soon.

23. On Christmas Eve Day, we went to Holland's grave and sang Christmas carols. Briz had fun literally dancing on her grave.

24. Nick turned the big 3-0! This is us out to dinner at the Chart House.

25. I am pretty proud of the fact that I got his name put on the menu. I also cleaned out his office (which was a HUGE feat), and I got him an iPad.

December was a good month. There were very hard moments for me, and it was definitely different than it has been in the past, but I am learning that life in general will be different. Some of those ways are tough, but gradually and slowly they are becoming easier to deal with. And I found hope in getting through our first Christmas with Holland gone, as well as in the New Year.

2011 kinda sucked, so bring on 2012.

Yesterday

2011-12-24T09:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Holland would have turned 4 months.

Yesterday marked the day that she has been dead longer than she was alive.

Yesterday, it felt like she should still be here.

Yesterday was a hard day.

Yesterday we cried.

Yesterday we remembered her beautiful little face and we remembered kissing her chubby cheeks.

Yesterday made me angry, happy, depressed, grateful, lost, found, heavy.

Today is a new day.

Thanksgiving

2011-12-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was difficult. I anticipated it would be. But anticipating what it will be like celebrating a holiday without your child (when you had pictured it in your head many times with her) is completely different than actually experiencing it. Nick and I went back to Utah, which is where Holland died. A lot of people told me I was crazy for going, and maybe I am, but all of the Barneys were coming and Nick and I wanted to be able to see them. More importantly though, we wanted Briz to be with her cousins. Overall, it was tough, and I did not feel very grateful on Turkey day (even though I know I do have innumerable things for which to be grateful). I was just sort of a party pooper. But don't get me wrong, I didn't feel the need to apologize for that, just simply saying that was the case.

Some lows of the trip:
- Going back to the place where Holland died. I walked into the closet where I found her and sobbed so hard I was shaking. I think of that morning every day, but being there made me remember it in a very real way. And even though it was extremely painful and sad, it also felt a bit cathartic.
- Not having much of an appetite on Thanksgiving, which is such a waste!
- Running in a 5k Turkey trot that morning and being really wiped out from it. It can be difficult for me just to be around large groups of people in general.
- Having our rental car broken into, and my GPS and iPad stolen. I think Utah hates me and is trying to tell me to never come back.
- Losing in spades to Nick and Daniel, and being frustrated that my brain just doesn't function that well these days.

Some highs:
- Seeing all of our family, and watching Briz play with her cousins. Particularly hearing Libby yell over and over again in her high pitched voice, "Bizzy!" It made me smile.
- Getting some good cheap shopping in.
- Seeing Carly, Amander, and going on a date with Carly and Daniel.
- Running in a 5k with Nick by my side to push me and keep me going. Actually, just having Nick there in general to help support me. It was a hard week for him too, but yet, he was there for me.

We also went to Temple Square to see the lights. I would place this on both of the categories because it was both wonderful and awful. Well, really, the only wonderful thing about it was seeing how excited Briz was at seeing the Christmas lights. Other than that, it was chaotic and cold, and WAY too many people.

Mamanda

2011-12-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am about a month behind in my posts. But I am sort of milking the excuses as much as possible right now (and this does not just go for my blog). :) I have mentioned numerous times about how great my friends are. One of my best friends came to stay with me for the weekend. And I love her. Not much more I can say about that. And Briz also loved her. I call Amanda, Mander, but Briz created her own nickname: Mamanda. Now, I'm not sure that is a nickname since it's longer than her actual name, but either way, I like it.

About a week after she visited, Briz was lying in bed and asked me if she could call Mamanda and tell her she loves her :)

Amanda wrote a better post about her trip here. She is such a sweet friend and also wrote a beautiful post about Holland here.

I tried to pay her back by giving her two activities for enjoyment: going to Briz' sports class and watching her fall every five seconds (I am pretty sure the other mothers thought I was pretty heartless as I laugh at my daughter when she injures herself, but I'm not gonna' lie, it's pretty funny), and seeing animals at the Zoo. With Amanda, you can never go wrong with animals.

Christmas and Anger Don't Mix

2011-11-28T21:12:00.000-08:00

'Tis not the season for irritation. I know this. People are happy all around me. Excited about Christmas. But I don't generally feel like joining in the fun. I have my moments where I think, "Oh yeah, I could definitely get swept up in the spirit of Christmas." But it quickly fades. I am trying to force myself to listen to Christmas music mostly for Brizzy's sake, but most of it just feels too upbeat. Yes, I generally love Christmas. But I can't be chipper and forget what I don't get to enjoy because my Holland isn't here. I understand that I sound bitter and it's probably because I am. I know this. And I also know that it can make people feel uncomfortable, but I can't help but feel that way when a big part of me still feels like it is dead. I did, however, find a Christmas song that I can get on board with. I don't ever seem to get sick of things that remind me of Holland. So here is my current Christmas compromise: I can listen to this song and still allow myself to be sad.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T23:25:00.000-08:00

These last few days have been some hard ones but instead of continuing my streak of depressing posts I will write about things I am thankful for:

- my running shoes and just the ability to run at all, albeit very slowly
- the brizness who has upped her frequency of hugs and kisses
- chapstick and lotion because Utah is so freaking dry!
- Vince vaughn.
- the following music: cat stevens, bob marley, and Tracy chapman. They seem to always fit my mood, which admittedly goes up and down quite a bit.
- the Utah mountains with snow on them. Forgot how gorgeous they are. I will admit Utah CAN be pretty.
- candy, particularly hot tamales, which have given me consistent miniature doses of energy. And really what more nutritional value do I need in a day than some sporadic hot tamales?
- nice strangers. And i don't mean cheesy and peppy, just genuinely nice friendly people.
- questions about holland. Anytime I can talk about her I am glad.
- texting. Can't always handle phone conversations. Grateful for technology to let people know I care and am grateful, but still still allow me to be lazy and do things on my own timetable. I guess I should lump email in there too.
- and of course, the ever cliche but always true family and friends.

Some Hard Things

2011-11-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

Warning: I am about to write some things that are sort of sad (shocker I know!). So if you are not in the mood to heard sad things, then do not continue reading.

These are some hard moments I have had in the last four weeks:

- First few mornings waking up to hearing her cry
- Flying on an airplane from Salt Lake City to Portland, leaving the last place Holland was alive.
- Holding my nephew Dane, hoping that it would help me fill the emptiness in my arms, but realizing that only Holland could do that.
- Going to my first day back at church and realizing that I have to fast (wasn't planning on having to do that for quite some time!). This by the way was more irritation.
- Going to my first day back at church, the day that was Holland was supposed to be blessed and finding out there would be another blessing that day.
- Going to costco: seeing people shop for Christmas presents happily, watching the carts with happy kids, siblings. I ended up wandering around, not knowing where I was walking, and just crying (and most likely getting weird looks from people, but was too caught up in my thoughts to even notice).
- Packing away bottles
- Crying with my doctor and having him tell me I may need medication to help me function.

I have had obviously much harder moments than these, but they are too personal and traumatic to share. But suffice it to say, I think I may have gotten a cold from crying too much. Is that possible?

Not Strong

2011-11-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

In the last almost four weeks I have had a lot of people say many different things to me. All of which have been kind, loving, and from a place of sympathy (and at times empathy). But one thing that people have said to me quite a bit has gotten stuck in my head. A lot of people have told me I'm strong. I am generally uncomfortable with compliments, but this is one that particularly does not sit well with me. Because I do not feel strong. I have better days than others, but regardless of good or bad, I consider it an accomplishment to get out of bed and get my child dressed and fed. Sometimes I am ambitious and take a shower, maybe even run an errand. But no, I have never felt more incapable or weak in my entire life. So when people tell me I'm strong, I in fact, feel like perhaps I'm a hypocrite or that there is this idea that I am someone I really am not.

I have had others tell me that I am strong simply because I am functioning. And I can understand that to a degree. Before Holland died, there were times where I thought about what would happen if I lost one of my children and my first thought is that I would simply die. If I had been able to picture the scenario of finding my daughter dead in her crib, I would think that I COULD not exist. But you just do. You survive. I don't know how or why, except to say that I think a great part of it is the Lord sustaining me. By no means am I functioning well, but I am still breathing, and have not yet had to enter a mental institution (note the word yet!). And I believe that the Lord has given me a gift of understanding life after death. This is not because of me at all; it is something he has simply handed me, probably because he knew I would need it to help me survive all of this. So no, it does not make me strong. In a small way, it makes me lucky. It makes me feel humble.

By saying I'm strong, in some way, indicates that perhaps there is a way that a person could be weak when they've lost a child; that there is a right or wrong way to grieve and/or cope. And I have found that there isn't. Everyone moves at their own pace and grives in their own way. I do not believe there is any strong or weak that exists. I think anyone can just do the best they can. Sometimes the best I can is to just wake up and think about my baby girl and cry.

Holland's Funeral

2011-11-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

I was not sure I would ever be ready to write about Holland's funeral. Not because it makes me sad, but because I have not been sure I could capture what a glorious day it was. I don't use the word sad, depressing, joyful, happy, or anything of the like to describe it because none of those words work. My friend, Carly, used the word peaceful and I like that. But I can truly say that never have I felt closer to heaven than on this day. I think in general, when we have extremely spiritual experiences, we are also emotional, and so yes, I cried a lot. A lot. Our mortal bodies seem to not be able to handle the power that comes with feeling so close to God. And I know, that it wiped me out :) But yet, I wish it could be my every day. Because I have never felt more power in my entire life. Above all, I know Holland was there and I also know that she approved of the day :)

So while I won't be able to truly describe it, I would like to share just pieces of it.

We started out in the morning with a viewing. Our family and close friends were able to come and see little Holland, some for the first time. She looked like a chubby little China doll in her beautiful white blessing dress (it was the dress Briz wore at her blessing). Grandma Julie added a beautiful little embroidered pillow cover with the Portland Temple on it, as well as the words, "Families are Forever." And Nick bought matching necklaces for Briz and Holland. He put the necklace with the B on it around Holly's neck (Briz gets to wear her H necklace on special occassions). And although she didn't look exactly like my baby, she did look beautiful, and I felt like a proud mom. At the end of the viewing, we had just Nick and I's immediate families stay. I held her one last time, and then Briawna, McKenna, and Jacci all took turns holding her, since they were never able to while she was alive. Those were some of the sweetest moments of my life. I had a mix of emotions: sadness for them not being able to meet my little girl, but also joy in knowing that they might be able to hold her and see her one day.

The funeral was wonderful. Nick and I felt so loved and supported. And it somehow felt comforting picking out faces of people in the congregation. Seeing their faces made me know that I was not alone. I have felt alone at times in this process, but I felt anything but that on that Friday. The program went as follows:

Opening Hymn: Be Still my Soul
Invocation: Stacy Ainge (Nona)

Special Musical Number: Pachabel's Cannon by Anne Christianson (and accompanied by a pianist as well)

Talk: David Ainge (Papa)

Video of Holland Talk: Tom Cottle (Grandpa Great)

Special Musical Number: "My Shepherd Will Supply my Need" by Andrea Croskey, Leslie Jensen, and Bart Carter (good friends from Salem)

Talk: Nick Cottle
Closing Song: I Feel my Savior's Love
Closing Prayer: Julie Cottle (Grandma Julie)

While I wish I could share every word said, you would probably stop reading, cause that would just be way too long. Maybe in the future, I will share more details. I'm sure I will need to for myself, if for no other reason. My Dad spoke mostly for me. I wrote some things about Holland, about her personality, my experiences with her, and the wonderful spirit that she is. He then shared a very sweet poem he had written and some thoughts. Grandpa Cottle spoke of the plan of salvation, and as always, was sweet and powerful in talking about our Savior's atonement and living with our Heavenly Father again as families. And Nick told his little Holly Hoo her very last time bedtime story. The music was beautiful. There were many tears shed, but overall there was a wonderful spirit there. Nick and I felt like not only were we able to share our Holland with others, but also a big part of us: our family, our beliefs, and our feelings. There is something refreshing about a funeral because of the vulnerability and love that exists there. At the end I was able to see and hug many of the people that came. I wish I had the energy to truly thank every person that came.

After the funeral, close family and friends proceeded to the Riverview Cemetery. I need to go take pictures in the next few days because it is so beautiful. It is a very old cemetery with huge beautiful trees that are bright fall colors right now When I go there, it feels sacred. As ironic as it sounds, as my friend put it, there really is so much life at a cemetery. Nick said a few words and dedicated the grave. I thought that part would be harder for me than it actually is. I thought it would feel more final. But in fact, it didn't. In my mind, I just kept thinking to myself, "I said good-bye to my baby a long time ago." (well, it really wasn't a long time, just a few days before, but it felt like a long time at that point). Anytime I say good-bye to anything that reminds me of Holland or is a part of her, it is sad. So saying good-bye to her beautiful baby form was sad, very sad. I sobbed as they let down her casket. Because every time I repeat good-bye to her, it reminds me of my loss and it hurts. But, as I sobbed, I also felt hope, because I knew in my heart, that she is not this little baby anymore. She is in heaven and is a spirit and is happy. After the funeral, we had a beautiful luncheon. I did not have much energy to socialize, so I spent most of the time trying to eat some food, and watching a compilation of home videos of Holland that our friend Michael put together. When it was all over, I felt a little tiny weight lifted off of me. First of all, because a funeral is a lot of freakin' work! It's like planning a small wedding in a few days amidst a terrible amount of grief and pain. But also, because I felt like it was a bit of closure. Every time I say good-bye to Holland in different ways, I gain a little bit more closure, and that was a big step. And the rest of the night, I was able to spend time with family and friends that had come to support me. I was able to smile and laugh, and some of it may have been delusional because I was so tired, but either way, it felt good. This little girl has changed my life already in ways that I cannot describe. What a powerful woman she is. I feel so undeserving to have her as my daughter for eternity. I hope that on this very special day to me, she was able to touch others too.

I wanted to share this picture of my "ugly cry" because this is what I looked like a lot of the day. I have talked a lot about what a powerful day it was, but I also experienced a great deal of pain and sadness and hence, looked like this :) This is me looking down on my baby.

Nick and I helping get the casket ready after the viewing.

A beautiful collage of pictures that my friend Megan put together (see last post about how great my friends are).

The pallbearers: Papa, Grandpa, Uncle Seth, and Uncle Landon

Our family at the graveside service.

Nona and Sisi at the viewing.

All of the Ainge siblings.

Briz and I putting white roses on top of Holland's casket.

One of the jokes this weekend: how much Sisi looks like Grandpa. It's a little freaky.

People I love very much. My Mom has been my best friend through all of this. I like to give my Mom a hard time a lot. But I can't rely on anyone quite like I can with her.

Friends

2011-11-12T17:40:00.000-08:00

One thing that I have been blessed to realize, even more so than I had three weeks ago, was how I truly have great friends. These aren't just people I see or talk to once in a while; people I spend time with, but rather people that understand me completely and are loyal. They are people with whom I am vulnerable and open. They are smart, funny, creative people that I love. My friends have been so kind and generous during this hard time that it is hard to express how truly grateful I am. But one thing I do know is that it is beyond humbling. And its difficult because I wish I had the capacity at this time to return the kindness.

My friend Anne flew in last weekend from DC to stay with me for a little bit. I couldn't even remember the last time I saw Anne. It has been years, but it didn't matter. It was so good to have her here, to just talk for hour and hours and to share a little bit of Holland with her. Not to mention to talk about regular life kind of things, and just laugh. We didn't do too much. But on Saturday, we ventured out into Portland. We went to a little art festival up in Washington Park, to the Rose Garden, and Multnomah falls.

Saturdays are hard for me, as they are weekly markers for how long Holland has been gone. But this was a wonderful Saturday. It was cold and wet, but it still felt so good to get outside, breathe the clean air, and just remember how beautiful Portland is. And oh yeah, Briz tagged along because she thought Anne was here to visit her :)

Also, on Thursday, my friend Maggie came and spent the day with me. I got to show her (as well as Anne), Holland's gravesite. I know it's not Holland herself, but it makes me feel like they are able to still meet her in a weird distant way. Thank you Maggie for talking openly about life and everything and for just coming to see me. Next up is Mander!

I have had a lot of moments where I get down and depressed (a lot). But when I think about my friends, I am able to take a step out of my grief and sadness and feel very blessed.

Songs of Comfort

2011-11-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

My friend Meredith knows me too well and sent me some mixed CD's after she found out about Holland's death (I am working on using the words death and dying openly, its not always easy). Meredith knows that I love music, and her CD's were the perfect "mourning present." One of the CD's is more of a "put me in a good mood" kind of CD with funny songs that are full of memories (maybe I will post about that one later). But the other one has songs of comfort that have brought me peace and strength. I wanted to share a few that have affected me recently.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTFUM4Uh_6Y

(this one I couldn't embed for some reason, but it's one of my favorites).

Halloween

2011-11-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

Halloween was three days after the funeral, and I was exhausted that night. Luckily, I am beyond blessed to have so many great friends and family that have helped take care of Briz and did so again that night. I went with one of her ready-made costumes from her "princess box." So she was a fairy princess. Not sure what that really is, but it sounds nice and girly and Briz was pretty excited about it.

We also had family and friends around so Briz went trick or treating with other kids, which made it that much more fun for her. And man did Briz have trick or treating down. Talk about efficient. She ran up to each house, usually pulling Will (and hurting him actually once). She knocked on the door, yelled "Trick or Treat" and grabbed as much candy as she could. If it was possible, she would grab handfuls, and then sweetly say, "Thank you." She would run back down to us, and then say, "Next house, " as she ran off. We went to maybe 15 houses and her little plastic pumpkin was full! She could have gone for hours if she could carry some more weight.

Her and Will are ADORABLE together. Two of the funniest kids I have ever seen.

Ella as minnie mouse.

I gave in to Briz and let her wear some make up.

Dress up + candy + makeup = a dream come true.

Briz being way too aggressive for Teya. Luckily Teya is used to it, because Portia (Teya's older sister) and Briz have a lot in common.

These two sort of have a love/hate relationship at times. They are kissing and hugging a lot. But then at one point, they got into a pretty intense argument over how many ladybugs were in a book (which resulted in Briz shoving Will and then throwing the book at him).

---------------------------------- Pre- Halloween ----------------------------------------

A few days before we left for Utah, we carved pumpkins. And as all of our family activities, it was pretty eventful :)

Holland was just tuning out the mania of Briz and trying to get a good rest. But I wanted her to be a part of our family carving. She was such a good sport.

Briz focused on scooping all the seeds out of the pumpkin. And as usual, missing an article of clothing.

Imitating his pumpkin face.

Briz imitating her pumpkin face, minus the two black teeth. We had all kinds of emotions with our pumpkins: happy, angry, and sad (can you tell I am a counselor?).

Halloween was a bittersweet night as I watched all of the kids running around, excited. While Holland would have simply been sleeping in my front pack that night while Briz trick-or-treated, I couldn't help but think of the future and what things would be like in a few years. I just pictured Briz and Holland trick or treating together and me constantly having to tell Briz to stop stealing candy from her little sister. But also thinking about Halloween fills me with a great sense of gratitude for my Brizzy Boo. She keeps me going and laughing and I don't know what I would do without her.

It also makes me so grateful for good friends and family to share Holidays with. While it is difficult to go through what is supposed to be a happy time with such a sad heart, it takes the edge off and reminds me of how much love there is on this earth.

An Attempt

2011-11-03T11:11:00.001-07:00

I am going to attempt to start writing about the loss of my beautiful little girl. I don't promise any eloquence or even any insight with posts about Holland, but as I told Nick the other night, I like to "keep it real," and so that's what I will try to do. I also am not planning on turning this blog into a public journal. However, I have used this blog for the last few years as a place to share my family; to update others on what has been going on in our lives. And right now (and I suspect for a long time to come), Holland's passing is an obvious blog-worthy event in our lives.

The best that I can do today is share random thoughts running around in my head. I have way too many that its impossible to write them all down. But hopefully thanks to my clonazepam (anti-anxiety medication is a big life saver right now), I will not get too carried away and make sense of a few.

- My house feels very quiet and a little lonely, even with maniac Briz running around.

- I am grateful I have Briz to wake me up in the morning; not sure I would ever choose to do so on my own.

- I get very sad thinking about shallow things at times: what clothes Holland will never be able to wear, or how I will not be able to share how beautiful she is with others. Pictures just don't really do her justice.

- I was particularly bias towards Holland's beauty. While she was a chunker, I commented to Nick probably at least once a day how beautiful I thought she was. And this is coming from a person who really does not brag about her kids; I tend to just make fun of them.

- I want to edit, perfect, print, and frame every picture I have of her. I want to make books of rememberance, adorable little keepsakes . . . all right now. I am worried that if I don't, I somehow will forget or won't be motivated to do it in the future. I am worried others will forget her. At times it has put me in a panic.

- My favorite thing about going into her room is being able to smell her still. I miss her smell. Even the gross spit up smell.

- I wish I could have a funeral for her every week, well okay, at least every month (its a lot of work). I want people to remember her and feel her spirit often. And I want to be able to share that with people.

- I tried to jog a little yesterday and I felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds (and with the amount of sugar I have eaten in the last few days, I am slowly working my way there).

- I think the most beautiful place on this earth is the cemetery where she is buried. Riverview Cemetery. It is and I think may always be my favorite place on this earth.

- As somewhat of a skeptic, I never knew I could have a knowledge of an afterlife, but I do. Not one tiny doubt. That's the gift I am holding on to the closest right now.

Holland's Video

2011-10-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am not really able to start writing about the loss of my baby girl. I have too many thoughts constantly spinning around my head, making things seem foggy. I am tired. Sometimes it feels like I am so heavy that standing up is an extremely difficult task. But I know I will write about it, and hopefully soon. Because if nothing else, I need to for me.

In the meantime, I wanted to share this video that was made by a family friend for Holland's funeral. Friday was a wonderful day, which sounds strange to say about a day when you bury your daughter; but it was. I was with so many family and friends. I felt loved. And above all, I was able to show off my little girl; particularly to those who never had a chance to meet her. And for those that were not able to attend the funeral, I wanted to be able to share a bit of Holland with them as well. So here it is.

Punkin Patch

2011-10-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, we went to the pumpkin patch. We had a hayride through an apple orchard, pet some animals, picked out some "punkins" and Briz got her face painted. This video makes me laugh because I love how Briz can't stop looking in the mirror at herself when she's getting her face painted.

Her latest sayings

2011-10-20T16:50:00.000-07:00

Here are some of Brizzy's favorite phrases these days:

-"Hmmm, let's see . . ."

-"What's next Mom?"

-"Here's the deal . . ."

- "That's a good idea!"

- "Oh my gosh!"

- "My hair is magical."

- "Oh well."

- "Dats okay."

-"Why?" (by far my least favorite, and probably the most common)

-"I'm just lookin' at it!"

So Long Summer

2011-10-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

Summer is over, and really has been for a while. And while I am sad, it has been fun to start doing holiday things with Briz because she's old enough to get it. A couple weeks ago, however, we got a few days of warm weather, and as a true Oregonian I took full advantage of the sunshine and took B-riz to the pool.

One of Brizzy's big accomplishments of the summer (the first probably being that she didn't severely injure her baby sister), was swimming all by herself with just water wings. She also likes to jump off the side of the pool by herself, and swim to the side. We now have to practice her skills in the indoor Nike pool because our warmth and sunshine has left us :(

My Sign

2011-09-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

I wish I could wear a sign around that says:

"I just had a baby a month ago, please give me a break."

Particularly when:

- I am running so slow on the treadmill that I might as well be walking
- It takes me two hours to load up my car in the parking lot
- I am like Goldilocks and can describe my clothes as either too big or too small
- I have generally not showered when I go out into public
- Nick comes home and tries to be as nice as possible when he says as he looks around the house, "So . . . what did you do today?"

What's happenin'

2011-09-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

To answer the title of this post: not much. I am merely giving in to peer pressure by posting pictures of Holland. And I can't believe its taking peer pressure from my friends and family to get more pictures taken/posted. I am slipping. Yikes! Poor second kid is neglected. Last night Nick and I were having a sporadic conversation upstairs. After about twenty minutes, Nick goes, "Hey, where is Holland?" And I responded with, "Oh yeah, we have a baby." :)

Most of the time, when she's not being ignored, we love to cuddle with her. She rolls up into a pefect little ball. The creepy thing about this picture is I have an ultrasound picture that is identical. It was during this ultrasound that the technician was freaking out about how chubby her cheeks were and Briz thought it was hilarious.

Holland hates to be cold. She gets royally pissed when someone tries to change her diaper or clothes. Generally she is quite a mellow thing. But when one of these two things happens, she lets you know right away. Note: She also hates to be kept waiting when she's hungry. She's a total porker.

I am very proud of this picture because I caught her with her eyes open (even though you can't really see her all that well). She still hardly ever opens her eyes, at a little over 3 weeks. Is it wrong for me to want her to stay this way until she's 17? Sure it might mean she's a little slow but it would be well worth it.

I thought that Brizzy's love for Holland would die down but it has been the exact opposite. Her affection just seems to get more intense and aggressive! Here are some things she does to Holland:

-Runs toy cars over her face

-Sings to her. Usually I am a Child of God. Eh, that song!

- Shares her toys with her. And then gets very frustrated when Holland doesn't wake up to play with said toys. Briz will poke her in the eyes and sometimes try to pry her eyelids open.

-Tries to help Holland when she is crying. In the car the other night, when Holland was crying she tried to hold her hand. "Holland, hold my hand. Stop crying little girl! Mom, Holland won't stop crying!"

-Jumps on top of her. The other night, Holland was lying on her bed when Brizzy full on jumps in the air and lands on her knees on top of Holland. Nick's instinct was to throw Briz off her bed. When we asked her what she was doing, she said she was trying to bounce Holland. Duh.

Because we are incredibly spiritual people, we have been trying to read the Book of Mormon with Briz. And when I say we, I mean Nick. I generally just sit there and laugh uncontrollably. Briz has been talking a lot about Laman and Samuel being good boys. I mean, she's smart, but not that smart. She's a little confused. What she never gets confused about is Sariah. She loves her.

Briz and Nick have been wresting a lot these days. This particular fight was over Brizzy's princess crown. She loves it. She wears it all day every day. She is obsessed with anything princess. Whose child is this?!

Nick and Briz getting their energy out. They have way too much. The upside to this with Briz is that she takes crazy long naps. Nick is also a very heavy sleeper, but that is not the best thing with a newborn. I generally have to hit him on average 10 times before he gets up with Holland (note: I am a really good wife and hardly ever make him up, but that also may be because its way too much work to get him out of bed).

I am torturing Holland here; its right before a feeding. And while she may think the couch is food, she is getting a bit of an ab workout in. She will thank me someday.

I think its a great thing I take a bazillion pictures of my kids. However, I have corrupted Briz. She has turned into a little poser. Every time she holds Holland she looks at me and says, "Take a picture." She does not get this blue steel pose from me however. She gets it from these crazy people. I guess I should just be glad that she is no longer doing her really really ugly fake smile. Seriously, it was scary.

Briz sharing her baby doll with Holland and Holland is pretty freakin' excited about it.

She is a crazy maniac. She likes to push her stroller around a lot, but generally without a doll in it. We have been working on potty training and she has been semi-successful. Besides me actually being home a few hours a day to help her, the big key has been offering her money. Its the biggest motivator for her. She's a greedy little toddler that loves money. Whenever she finds change lying around the house, she quickly steals it and puts it in her bank.

Holland doing what she does best: sleeping. Her stats for two weeks were:

Length: 20 inches, 35 %ile Weight: 8 lbs., 39th %ile

We also found out at the dr.'s that we have thrush, but luckily we caught it pretty early and it is now almost gone.

She likes to sleep with her head resting on one arm. It has been a complete 180 from having Briz. It's just so interesting how they come with little personalities. She is sweet and mellow and I am pretty sure Nick nor I have anything to do this that :)

2 weeks old

2011-09-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Holland turns 2 weeks old tomorrow. It really has already gone by so fast. I can't believe two weeks ago at this moment, I had a big baby in my belly. Very weird. So far things have gone so much more smoothly than I anticipated. Here are some facts about Holland:

-She loves to eat and is a great eater (which is a huge relief considering Briz really struggled).

-She also loves to poop and pee. I mean, this girl is regular. Again a huge relief because Briz didn't poop for 10 days after being born.

-She gets extremely angry when we change her clothes or diapers. When she gets to practice using her vocal chords.

-She grunts a lot, particularly when she starts to get hungry.

-She hardly ever opens her eyes. Nick told me yesterday he thinks she might be slow. It also makes it tough to figure out exactly who she looks like because we don't see her eyes often.

-She is pretty mellow and sleeps a ton! At night she generally goes for 5 to 6 hours. I am an extremely ungrateful mom, and still sigh unhappily when she wakes up to eat in the middle of the night.

-She is very sweet and loves to roll up in a little ball and snuggle with anyone willing to hold her.

-She loves the sound of her mom and dad's voice and pretty much stops crying instantly the second we start talking to her.

-She loves music and the sound of water.

-She has freakishly long limbs, fingers, and toes.

-She has already added a great spirit to our home and family. She makes everyone around her happier. We like her a little.

Brizzy giving her sister goodnight kisses.

No more pictures Mom!

Very relaxed during bath time.

Not Your Average Short Post

2011-08-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

Normally, I try to limit my prose and simply post some pictures to update people on our lives. However, I am giving a fair warning to the reader that this post may include more writing than normal. I will try to add pictures, but there will be few.

For anyone who knows me even a decent amount, they know that with my pregnancy with Briz I got this freakishly random disorder during my third trimester called Cholestasis. This whole pregnancy, I was unsure as to whether I would get it again. In the readings I had done (thank you WebMD and Wikipedia) I had read that there was anywhere from a 70-90% chance that it would reoccur with each pregnancy. However, I was still hopeful that perhaps I would escape these odds and have an itch-free last few weeks. With Briz, the itching started at about 29 weeks or so. Right before I got it, I had a terrible flu. None of this had occurred and I was in Utah for a Cottle family reunion. I had decided to stay an extra week or so to see friends (was still not enough time by the way) and visit with family a little bit more. It was during this second week after Nick already flew home to go back to work that the itching occurred randomly out of nowhere. I was about 30 weeks. I noticed it at night at first. And then it soon became nonstop. When I got back to Oregon, I told my doctor and the frequent doctor visits began. Because it is so rare and weird, there is very little known about it, so I heard the word "precaution" a lot. It seems that no one is quite sure exactly how it can affect the baby, so just in case, I got to basically live at the doctor's twice a week. I would receive non-stress monitoring on the baby, a doctor's visit, and generally about two ultrasounds a week. The upsides of all of this: I got to know my little girl pretty well (how she moves, how her body works, what she looks like). The other upside: Briz LOVES going to the dr.'s and is best friends with everyone there. She named the baby in her belly, and now the baby doll she plays with, Teresa, after her favorite nurse. She loved going so much that I often would bribe her to do things. "If you let me brush your hair, we can go to the dr. tomorrow!" What a strange kid.

Having cholestasis was really rough not just because of the dr.'s visits, but because of the sleepless nights. I would say on average I got about 4 hours of sleep at night. I was big and pregnant and tired and grouchy. That made for a very impatient parent of a toddler. Not to mention the fact that Nick was hardly home at all. So now I'm also a single mom. Poor Briz. And for anyone who knows Briz, she's a bully. She is smart and manipulative and could sense my weakness. She took full advantage to run the show around the house and rebel as much as she possibly could. I thought I could handle this for a while, however. I was wrong, around 35 weeks I was done. Ready for this baby to get out of me.

I worked with my doctor to set a date around 37 weeks. The 23rd of August put me at 26 weeks and 6 days. It was a good thing too, because the week before my delivery, my levels of toxins in my blood spiked and the perinatologist recommended the baby come out a.s.a.p.

My doctor told me to come in at 12:01 a.m. on the 23rd. They were going to give me some medicine to get my body ready for delivery. And hopefully by the morning I would be more ready and they would put me on pitocin. I went in to see the dr. the day of the 22nd to see how ready I was. And yeah! I was dialated to a 3. So they let me push back the time to a 6 a.m. and were just going to put me on pitocin right away. The night before I was able to get Briz' stuff all ready, take her to my parents house, shower, shave, pack my bags, and try to prepare myself mentally for labor. Yikes! Still only slept 2 1/2 hours.

I have to say, overall, labor was an amazing experience. I never thought I would use that word to describe labor, but it was. Now, this is all relative, because I thought I was going to die the first time. It was traumatic. I still can remember the pain. People say they forget, but I have not. So I went in a little nervous. I was about 90-95% sure that I would get an epidural, feeling pretty open minded to drugs because like I said, I could remember the pain from the first time and I was not excited to experience that again. Nick and I checked in at 6 a.m. I told them right away that I did not want to be put on pitocin. I asked my doc to break my water and that we could take it from there. My dr. is the best. Really, I love him. And I knew he would do what I wanted. They broke my water. I had already been having little contractions. But within an hour, I was having serious contractions. In the delivery room, there was Nick, my Mom, my cousin Madisen, my little sister Sierra, and my aunt/doula Sharyl. They all got there pretty quickly after my water was broken. I was able to be up and moving most of the time. I was walking, using one of those big exercise balls, standing and swaying a lot, etc. They have to monitor me the whole time, but luckily they had a transportable monitoring thing that I wore like a purse. I postponed getting checked as much as possible because I didn't want it to mess with my mind. I was very very relaxed and very very focused. My aunt would massage me during contractions. She would encourage me and help remind me to breathe down into my stomach. It was the craziest experience because I felt so connected with my body. I could actually feel little Holland moving down inside me. I could still feel her little foot pushing up at the top of my uterus. I like to think she was helping me out a bit.

After a few hours, I decided to get in the tub. And I progressed a ton in there. If anyone ever has access to a jacuzzi during labor, I highly recommend it. I used it with Briz as well, and it was probably the least traumatic half hour of her delivery. But this time it completely sent me into transition. Another thing that I did differently this time is that I made a lot of noise. When I was having a very painful contraction, I would let out really deep moaning noises. And I pictured physically moving Briz down as I would sort of yell. But it was still very controlled and I tried to stay with my pain as much as possible. I got back to the room and I was at a 7. At that point, I decided to forego the epidural because even though it was painful, I felt pretty good. Transition was hard. I'm not going to lie. But with Briz, I didn't have any breaks between contractions. This time, I did. I had breaks inbetween contractions the whole time, even up through pushing. That made it tolerable. I experienced transition for about an hour, and I started to get emotional. A lot of it was out of just being in a lot of pain, but the other part of it was me feeling very sentimental about the moment . This pregnancy has been very hard for me. I have had some rough moments during the pregnancy and during this time in delivery, it all clicked and made sense. It all of a sudden seemed worth it. I was able to sort of forget myself and think soley about this little girl inside me. I realized that she is a little spirit and this was a very important spiritual/eternal moment to have her be born and join our family. I was overwhelmed with love at having these people around me during delivery. They were helpful and loving and I couldn't have done it without them. It was just very special.

This special moment quickly left when I started pushing :) The dr. came in and checked me and I was at a 10. I was ecstatic and even chanted in the air. But that's only because I had no idea how hard pushing would be for me. I pushed for about 45 minutes but I sort of lost it. They were trying to get me to push three times during a contraction and I absolutely refused. I just kept screaming, "I can't do it!" My dr. was extremely patient with me and let me breathe through some of my contractions. But he would also warn me that the less I pushed during a contraction the longer it would take. And I would think to myself, "Damnit!" I started telling the baby she needed to get out of me right away. I started pleading with her. And then I started to think, "How can I get out of this at this very moment? There's got to be a way." I literally did not think the baby would ever come out because I just didn't think I could do it. My final tactic was to start negotiating with the dr. I pressed him to give me a number of how many more pushes. He would say something like, "A few." And I would respond with, "Like two? Will she be out if I push two more times?" I persisted for a while and continued to negotiate. But somehow, someway, I was able to push her out. When her head came out, I sort of thought I could give up. But her damn shoulder got in the way. And then she was out. And I cried and cried simply because it was over!!! And I held her slimey, white body and was just so ecstatic that she finally came out of me. And I loved her right away. I had the thought, "Of course, here she is. It's perfect. She should be here right now at this very moment."

These might sound like very unenlightened thoughts, but they meant a lot for me because as I have said, I have struggled during this pregnancy a little. I questioned how I would feel once she was born. Don't tell Briz, but I think I may love her a little more :)

During labor. My doctor came in at one point and I was smiling. And he goes, "Still smiling, okay, I'll come back and check you later." In other words, clearly I couldn't be too far along. Sierra made me smile for this picture. It was the last in the series of "I hate having my picture taken when I'm pregnant!"

Nick, Mom, and Sharyl analazying the charts and my contraction. It was a fun group activity :)

Sharyl at work during a more serious contraction. So focused I can't even make my "Please don't take a picture of me" face.

You . . . tah!

2011-08-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is how Briz pronounces Utah. And by the way, anyone who doesn't live in Oregon, lives in Utah, according to Briz.

I am really far behind in my posts and I am also way too tired and lazy to try to catch up. I have posted a bazillion pictures on Facebook, so if you want to see them, go here to my facebook page.

So here is what we've been up to:

First Two Weeks of July we drove out to Utah. The first week we were there, we went to Bear Lake for a Cottle Family Reunion. The bummer thing about that trip is how almost everyone in our condo got sick. By an absolutely miracle, Nick, Briz, and I didn't get sick. Hallelujah! I don't think I could have handled it. I was already exhausted and frustrated that I couldn't participate in most of the activities. My favorite thing about the week was seeing Briz play with her cousins, Libby and Kloey. They loved each other and it was so cute to see. All week they were yelling each others' names because they were so excited to see each other. Briz also loved following her "big girl" second cousins around.

Nick flew back to Portland and I stayed for another week. I hung out with the Sharp family and also got to see some of my friends there. Anna was like my personal nanny for the week, so I got extremely spoiled. It was fun to see Daniel, Carly, Meredith, Mary, Amander, Sam, and Maggie, and others. I even went with Sam and Mary to my last pre-pregnancy concert: Ben Fold's. It was fun trying to see how many people I could disgust with my big belly dance moves. I was pretty successful I think. Briz got to play with Sadie; they had fun swimming, and she still talks about Sadie and Baby Elise living in Utah. We miss Utah and all of our friends and family there. But next summer, I will be able to do so much more since I will have my body back. Woohoo!

The Beach . . . brrr

2011-07-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I think in the month of June sometime (but who really knows because its all a cloudy blur) I took Briz to the beach. Sierra was back in town from Africa, and I wanted to show her a good time so I brought her along and let her freeze at the beach. It's no secret that I really like to complain about the Oregon weather this year, and just a forewarnng: I am going to continue to do so as long as it continues to suck this bad!

We met up with my aunt, Yah yah, cousin Madisen, and the twins she nannies, Cole and Ty. Or as Brizzy calls them, just CoTy.

Here they are all playing together. We are constantly working on our sharing skills because Brizzy still has a tendency to be a bully.

She is crazy and loved walking in the water. I thought she would freak out when she felt how cold it is, but her feet must have gotten numb instantly cause she thought it was the greatest thing.

More marching.

With YahYah (who is also my doula). This is right before Briz fell flat on her face. Even though she was sad, it was pretty funny and like the negligent mother that I am, I spent a lot of time laughing at her.

Mads with one of the twins.

For some reason, I have a lot of kissing action shots between Sierra and Briz. Maybe one day I'll make a book out of them.

Even though it wasn't good weather, it's always good to go. The Oregon coast is absolutely beautiful even in the cold, wind, and rain. And I'm glad Briz still likes the beach. Don't know what I would do with her if she didn't.

Seattle

2011-07-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

In June sometime, Nick had to go up to Seattle to get his new passport expedited. Did I mention why? Oh yeah, because his company decided to fly him to London last minute. He's got a rough life! Luckily, I had been sort of prepared for this. He had mentioned about a month earlier that they wanted to send him to London, and the first time he told me I almost cried. I started going into convulsions and tried to get over my rage/depression by immediately writing down lists of things he needed to see and do. It got postponed a few times so by the time it actually happened, I was composed (for the most part).

Anyhoo, this summer has been nuts. Not just because the weather is probably the worst of all time in Oregon, but because Nick and I have seen very little of each other. Sometimes when people mention him, I respond with, "Nick who?" He was trying to be very nice and invited Briz and I to come to Seattle with him, so we had a quick over the night staycation. It didn't go exactly as planned as Briz got sick. But hey, it was something.

We took Briz to the children's museum (its free the last hour of the day by the way, free being one of my favorite words) and she wasn't that excited, since most of her time was spent in the bathroom. The word of the weekend was "isgusting!" She's good at copying what I say.

Nick was trying really hard to force her to have fun, but it just didn't work too well.

At Seattle City Center at the big water fountain with Briz. The good old days when picking her up didn't make me feel like my back was going to give out.

Trying to be as enthusiastic as possible about the ginormous water fountain.

Just scoping things out with Dad.

Possibly my favorite part of the trip was discovering this tiny little pancake place in Bellevue. The food was awesome! Holy crap, I didn't know pancakes could taste that good (I may be bias as a really hungry pregnant woman). Here is Briz waiting to be seated.

And the flowers outside the pancake house didn't make me hate it either, if you know what I mean. Okay maybe you don't, but I love flowers.

Memorial Day Weekend . . .

2011-07-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

sorta sucked. Nick and I spent about three days trying to figure out something fun to do for our three days, but the weather definitely limited our options. We ended up not doing much, but our big outing was going over to the Nike pool.

After swimming. Briz does not look like my daughter at all, but look at our mouths in this picture. That's the only way you know we are genetically linked.

She is much more her Dad. Nick and her have all of these special little things they do. He always gives her piggyback rides and lets her ride on his shoulders. She grabs onto his chin and always plays with his facial hair. Briz loves the scruff.

Nick doesn't really like his daughter very much as you can tell from this picture.

Sleepy and Sweaty

2011-07-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have not posted in a long time. And yes, I don't really care. Why? Because I am pregnant, large, tired, and itchy. I also hadn't taken many pictures, and I can only post so many times without pictures.

However, in the recent months, I have taken some, so you can expect me to catch up a little.

Below is a picture of a Sunday afternoon at our house. I came home from a meeting one day and found Nick and Briz lying in bed, both snoring, both sweaty. I was laughing to myself, so I had to take a picture. I think they might be related :)

Copycat

2011-05-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am copying my good friend Mander, who has a running post about things she wants to punch on any given day.

This morning while driving to work, I just had a lot of things come up on my list, and I thought I would share it, so here it is:

- My alarm clock - when it goes off at 5:10 a.m. I don't want to punch it other times.

- Rob Thomas, Katy Perry, and the Black Eyed Peas. When I hear their music, it literally makes me sick to my stomach.

- People Chanting that USA is #1. What is that all about? I get it, it's very exciting that Bin Laden is dead. I'm just as elated as the next guy, but we're not at a football game.

- NBA Referees. I would punch them and kick them. Maybe not all of them, but definitely the ones that are stupid and kick Paul Pierce out of the game for setting nothing but an excellent screen.

- Dancing with the Stars. I have tried to watch it, really I have. I just can't do it.

- Stake Conference with a little kid. Really? Let's be honest, it's just 2 hours of trying to keep my kid quiet and entertained at the same time. I can't wait until it is put online and I can watch it during Briz' nap time. That will happen sometime soon right?

- People who tail me. It makes my adrenaline skyrocket and I start thinking about doing some crazy and stupid things all to make the said tailgater (is that a word) suffer.

I'm a Terrible Mother

2011-05-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have a few reasons for this:

1. I took a ton of pictures over the weekend we celebrated Brizzy's b-day. We celebrated it a week early because the in-laws were in town and we wanted them to be there. Not only did I take her b-day pictures but Easter ones, and some great ones of her with "Grandpa Juwey" (her joint name for Grandpa and Grandma). I lost the card that has all of the pictures on it. In one of my stupid pregnancy moments, I was in the middle of looking for my lost glasses, and lost another item. The card is ridiculously small, so I have almost no hope it will show up. So yes, I have no pictures of my daughter's 2nd birthday.

2. Since we celebrated her b-day a week early, we decided to not really do anything on her actual birthday (this last Saturday the 30th). My Dad called to sing her Happy B-day the morning of her big day, and when he called, I realized I had actually forgotten it was her b-day. I really didn't remember at all, and probably wouldn't have if someone hadn't called and reminded me! I'm a terrible mother!

Isn't She Cute?

2011-04-26T22:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, so maybe you can't tell if she's cute and I'm just a little bias, but I think she's already cute. One thing I know for sure is she is very different from Briz. During the ultrasound she was all stretched out and CONSTANTLY moving. Briz moved a lot too, but she was all balled up and would kick and punch. This baby is just always rolling and stretching out.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous about having two hyperactive, strong girls. Yikes. Whoever said Karma exists? Nick and I were the easiest kids ever!

But regardless I love her already and can't wait to see her in real life. I can't wait to see her face and get to know her personality.

I have been very nervous about being able to handle two, and all the changes that will bring. One kid is easy. I just cart her around everywhere I go. But two kids, that means I'm like a REAL mom. However, after seeing her ultrasound, it makes those feelings just all go away (at least temporarily) and I can't wait to be able to watch her all the time.

Prayers

2011-04-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

Brizzy has been helping us say prayers for a while now, but the last few days she has started to say them mostly on her own. She comes up with long lists of things she's thankful for. Here is her list from last night:

- Pancakes (we had German pancakes a week ago)

- Pizza

- Cake (Nick told her she would get cake on her birthday)

- Birthday

-Fwuit Snacks (her favorite thing ever)

- Church

- Nuwswey

- Teddy

- Woo (Translation Kangaroo for her stuffed animal)

Spring Break

2011-04-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

For my b-day back in September, my Mom bought me a ticket to visit my sister McKenna in San Diego. I cashed it in during Spring Break this year, which is absolutely perfect since our crappy Oregon weather was driving me crazy. Even though the San Diego weather wasn't quite as nice as I had hoped, I can't complain because I saw the sunshine!

First Day: We went to Disneyland. It was a pretty big disappointment because a) it was ridiculously crowded being that it was LA's Spring Break- yikes! b) Briz was wiped out from flying the night before, and I think she was teething, so she spent most of the time in her stroller.

Brizzy sitting on Sleeping Beauty's throne, posing with her cheesy smile.

We went to a princess show and she got so excited when she saw Cinderella and Snow White (her two favorites). She said their names over and over again and waved.

Day Two: We spent an afternoon at the beach. It was pretty windy, but you can't go to San Diego without going to the beach.

Day Three: We went to Mission Bay park and spent another afternoon there. We were all entertained just watching Briz and soaking up some sun.

She LOVES her uncle Paul. She calls him Pau (as in Gasol, but don't worry we haven't become Lakers fans). She still asks to call him about every other day. And every time she sees a man with dark hair she calls him Pau (including an Asian man at our grocery store).

Day Five: Day Four is skipped because that's Sunday, and well, it wasn't all that exciting. We went to the zoo, and saw some pretty amazing animals. My favorites: the cheetah pacing along the fence that raced Briz, the lion a few feet away eating lunch (its tongue was SO long), the grizzly bears wrestling,monkeys picking at each other's armpits, and of course, the panda.

Briz thought everything was either a monkey or a tiger. I have no idea why.

Day Six: We went to the Mormon Battalion Museum. I was very impressed at how well done it was and it increased my appreciation for the LDS pioneers.

I had to give Briz three suckers to keep her quiet, but she loved all of the stuff to play with at the end.

Day Seven: Our last day and possibly best was spent at SeaWorld. It was warm and sunny and we even got sunburned. I consider that an accomplishment. Briz loved the shows, particularly Shamu. She did the Shamu dance and we were all laughing pretty hard (McKenna took a couple funny videos). Once again, she thought every animal was a sea otter (something she remembers from the Portland Zoo like a month ago).

A girl after my own heart. She loved the kiddie roller coasters.

Afterthought: Before we flew out, we took a quick trip to the San Diego Temple because I had never seen it.

Briz loved running and jumping and dancing around the temple grounds.

Since then, she has called the mall and Home Depot the temple. Not quite sure she gets it yet.

It was a great trip, and a very necessary break. Thanks Pau and Mac!

Boo Rain

2011-04-05T19:42:00.000-07:00

The last few months, it has been raining here a lot! It is not my favorite. I am anxiously awaiting spring or just any day of sunshine and a temperature above 55 degrees.

The highlight of my week was cutting some flowers in my yard and placing them in a vase. Sometimes I lead a sad life and you should feel bad for me. Unless of course you live in Oregon too :)

The view from our garage pretty much every day.

A sign we use a lot, "rain."

Random Thoughts

2011-03-29T14:44:00.000-07:00

1. I am now 16 weeks pregnant and started feeling the fetus kick today. You'd think I would be a little used to it, but no, it still reminds me of Alien. I am grateful, however, to be feeling better: not nauseous and some kind of energy.

2. I am pretty upset that the Bachelor is over because it is what got me through Mondays. No seriously it did. After a nice long 4 day weekend of sleeping in, getting up at 5 a.m. is depressing, so I need some kind of trash t.v. to look forward to watching after Briz goes to bed. I just can't bring myself to watch Dancing with the Stars.

3. I went to Disneyland a week and a half ago and it was SO crowded. I can't explain how busy it was. But yet, I miss it already and could go back again tomorrow(And no Maggie, I didn't buy any Disney jean jackets, but I was tempted).

4. I am wondering if Sarah Palin is going to run for president. Thoughts?

5. I still miss my friends in Salem :( Salem may be a little whitetrash, but I'm discovering that maybe I fit into that category :)

6. I worked in the temple cafeteria on Saturday for four hours and I had a strange man rambling to me and giving me advice the whole time. None of what he said made sense, and it reminded me of something. . . oh yeah, my job.

7. One of my students informed me that he is part of a vampire society. He uses military code language to discuss their business. But no worries, he informs me he's human, just participating.

8. My husband plays basketball like 10 hours a week now. And while I'm happy for him, I also am extremely jealous. Stupid males who can't get pregnant. Every time he tells me he's getting into better shape, I want to trip him.

9. Clueless is one of the best movies ever made.

10. I've been listening to some Michael Jackson at work. I miss him more than ever.

New House

2011-03-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post some pictures of our new place of residence, but I wanted to wait until my house was clean. Yeah right! That's not going happen any time soon. So this picture will have to do. I am starting to enjoy my neighborhood a little bit more now that it's warm enough to play outside a little. But it still is weird to not know anyone. And my house still doesn't quite feel like my house. Who knew I would miss my little Salem house so much ? :)

Story of my life!

2011-03-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

No seriously, Briz does this all the time. But usually it's in the car.

I'm Knocked Up Again . . .

2011-03-05T23:28:00.000-08:00

And am due on my b-day September 14th.

For those of you who are ridiculously good at math, I'm about 13 weeks along.

First trimester coming to a close, hallelujah!

And this fetus has seriously kicked my trash. I'm already keeping documentation of how it will owe me in the future.

Time goes by SO fast. I mean, wasn't I just pregnant? Crazy.

I could go on and on about the last few months and how I've never been more exhausted in my entire life. But overall, Nick and I are so happy for this little one to join us and give Briz a run for her money. Everything is normal and healthy, and the countdown begins.

Car Ride

2011-02-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

These are the things that Brizzy whined out loud on our car ride to work/daycare this morning (in order):

- Mo toas!!! (toast)
- seewee (cereal)!!!
- juice!!!
-Mo Juwee !!! (what she calls Grandma Cottle, she calls her by her first name, Julie)
- Mo toas!!!
- printheth!!! (princess) - this usually means she wants to listen to a princess song from my iPod - I have quite a few disney selections, but sometimes I have no idea what she means
- Binky!!!
-Blanket!!!
- Mo toast!!!
- scooo!!!(school)
- ogut!!! (yogurt )- what she eats at daycarefor breakfast
- Ewon!!! (Aaron)- friend at school
- Cassdeee (Cassidy) - another friend at school
- Hodeee!!! (Holly) - daycare teacher
- Batheball!!!
- Lellow!!! (Yellow)
- Nemo!!!

And then of course Mommy about a million times. Aren't you so jealous of my car ride. At least we get a chance to work on our vocabulary :)

Pony Tail

2011-02-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

Nick has a ritual with Briz most nights where he gives her a bath and gets her ready to bed. Recently Nick has become Brizzy's personal hair stylist and tries out different hairdos after her bath. I considered it a huge milestone when he could put her hair in a pony tail. Dealing let her mullet has paid off!

The Zoo

2011-02-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

One of the positives of living close to Portland is that there is a lot more to do (see, I'm working hard to have a good attitude). We got annual passes to the zoo and children's museum, both

of which are awesome. Last week we ventured out in the cold to the zoo. It was so nice with hardly anyone there and a ton of animals out. Briz was in heaven. Although she got about as excited to see any kind of water as she was to see animals.

The last time I took her was last summer and it's amazing how much more she knows now and how much more she knows. I'm excited for it to become a regular thing.

This was my attempt to capture the event, and it was as we were leaving, so she was done. Can you tell by this face?

Anyone ever want to join me, let me know!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-13T21:38:00.000-08:00

(Making some valentines's treats)

Help!

2011-02-12T20:02:00.000-08:00

My daughter is a nerd. No seriously she is.

The last month or so I have been desperately trying to get her to watch a movie, a tv show, anything on t.v. so that I can have some down time, or just time without her following me around. But no luck! The second I try to get her to, she finds the nearest book and distracts herself by pretending to read. I've said this many times before and I'll say it again, whose daughter is she anyways?

Any tips on how to get your kid addicted to the t.v. would be very much appreciated.

January . . . eh

2011-02-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

January was sort of a crappy month, so I'm glad it's over. When we got back from Christmas with the Cottles, we had less than a week to pack up all of our crap (and we have a lot of crap) and move. We moved about an hour north to a suburb of Portland, Beaverton. I'm sure a lot of you already know this, but moving is exhausting. And it was my first experience moving with a toddler. Yikes!

In moving I have learned that perhaps I have a problem. I get too attached to things. That may not sound like a problem, but when you have to detach is. I miss my friends, my ward, my house, my neighbors, my gym, and my short drive to work (That's the short list). It's not all bad and I'm starting to get used to my house and neighborhood.

It was also a rough month because Briz had a difficult time adjusting, and she also had a sinus infection. She was SO clingy with me and afraid of lots of stupid things in our house. She was constantly testing me and challenging me. She's much more adjusted now, and while she still likes to push my buttons, her timeouts are once again working :)

This is Briz taking one of her many timeouts. Often I will ask her when she is doing something bad if she wants a timeout and she will tell me yes :) As long as it changes her behavior, I'm cool with it.

Christmas getaway and a long post

2011-01-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

I really do apologize in advance for all the pictures. And I don't blame you if you don't look at all of them.

For Christmas we had an adventure. We went with the Cottles to Vegas and then to Palm Springs. It was so much fun to see Briz play with her cousins.

Seth showing us Libby's teeth. I was shocked that she just let him play with her mouth. Briz would freak out.

Libby and Kloey are freaks about swimming. I would not be surprised if they can swim on their own this summer, because they already want to. They are just born fishes. Here is Libby blowing bubbles.

Briz playing with "Backuh" (How she pronounces Grandpa).

We were each in charge of a day and this is was Jacci's. In Vegas we went to the Winter Wonderland with a bunch of lights.

Briz giving Libs hugs and kisses.

The cousins in their coats. Who knew Vegas gets so cold in the winter?

I think this is the only picture I'm in from Christmas. Nick and I are getting into the Christmas spirit here.

Blinding Dad.

This could be quite possibly the ugliest cheesy smile ever. But it's what she does now.

The girls were SO excited to go on the carousel.

This is SO much fun!!!

Christmas Eve afternoon, Mike and Julie put on a princess party for the girls. And I have to admit it was pretty hillarious. I had no idea Briz would even care, but she loved it. This picture of Libby makes me laugh. She looks like she just won Miss America and she is overwhelmed.

Briz' tummy makes her a little awkward, and the dress was a little bit too long. She kept tripping over it during their "fashion show."

In her princess gear and a little sweaty. She was working hard getting around in all of her stuff.

Squinty eyes.

Posing for their annual picture. It's a little challenging getting them to sit still let alone to look at the camera and smile.

Kloey loved giving Briz kisses. And Briz was always willing to oblige. She never turns down a kiss (she's Nick's daughter).

Story time with Dad.

Costume change to her Tinker Bell outfit, which also exentuated her pot belly.

Christmas morning, Briz loved the golf clubs. Mike and Julie bought a collective little kids golf set. Briz almost got violent with them, it was a little scary.

Whitney got Nick the perfect game called "Cheater."

Brizzy and Grandpa hangin' out on the balcony. She looks so big to me here.

Checking things out with Aunt Brittany.

Libby and her dramatic crying face again.

Getting dried off after swimming.

More kisses.

Cuddling with Grandpa.

She was walking around with this towel around her waist, it was so funny.

I gave Briz a timeout and Kloey wanted to join her.

Splashing around in the pool.

Swimming with grandma. She calls her "Juwee" for Julie. I really am not quite sure how she came up with this because we have tried to get her to call her Grandma. She kept saying over and over again while laughing, "No way Juwee!"

Briz misses her cousins. The other morning she woke up and sort of was whining, "Koey, Yibby." I thought it was hilarious because we hadn't seen them or talked to them in a few weeks. Can't wait to see them again this summer.

Christmas # 1

2011-01-23T14:17:00.000-08:00

Brizzy is ridiculously spoiled. There's really no other way to put it. She had three Christmases this year. The first one took place on Nick's b-day. We were going out of town for Christmas and so Nick wanted her to open some presents before we left. Plus, I think his b-day was so incredibly lame (another post another time) he wanted something to look forward to, even if it wasn't for himself.

She was standing like this for a while, with her hands folded behind her back.

I know she looks mad, but really she is just concentrating. She was trying so hard to open her present she started shaking.

Her favorite present (and one that I did not know about!) was her bike. Shey came down the stairs and when she saw it she started running in place and screaming, "bike bike bike!" I was a little mad at Nick because we had already discussed buying her a tricycle like this for her b-day when it starts to get nicer weather and she's older and more capable. But it was hard to get too angry when she was so excited. Mostly now she's forgotten about it. It hangs out in the garage and I will maybe re-gift it for her b-day:)

Snow snow snow!

2011-01-19T06:01:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of December we took Briz to the snow for the first time. We went with our friends the Nelson's and we cut down our own Christmas tree. It's a lot of work packing Briz into snow gear while she whines and kicks me. But once she was in the snow, she loved it.

Nick tossing Briz in the air and I'm very nervous about it. But I still took a picture :)

I loved our Christmas tree. It smelled SO good and I literally watered it once for the entire month (It did however take 2 hours to put it up and a lot of debating and it also fell over twice while Nick was out of town in Dec.)

I love this picture of Nick and Briz. Nick did make a true statement though. He said he always looks like a robber when he wears a bini. Hahaha.

This snow is great!

Making Briz and Jaron pose in the snow. One of my favorite things about it is that Briz wasn'tvery mobile, cause it wasn't too packed. It was a nice change!

I can hardly move but I'm happy

I definitely think this is a tradition I want to start. Our tree only cost $5 and we didn't break the law! Bonus.

We're going on a trip, start the countdown

2011-01-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

This title has nothing to do with the content of the post. It is the lyrics to the song from Little Einsteins and I have it stuck in my head because that is the only way I have been able to get sanity lately with entertaining Briz and trying to move!!! Hence the lack of posts. I am almost ALMOST settled into our new house, and once I am, I will be posting a lot, cause my pictures are definitely backed up.

In the meantime, amidst my exhaustion, this is one of the funny things Briz did to make me laugh today:

- She was watching Little Einsteins and saw a picture of the Mona Lisa. She got all excited and started screaming, "Cheesus Cheesus!" (translation Jesus). Maybe I need to start showing her more historical art besides just pictures of Jesus. Would that be considered blasphemous?

blog post

2011-01-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

I have a new blog post for my LAC Photography blog (see the link to the right).

Cute Things

2010-12-13T19:03:00.000-08:00

Here are some cute things Briz has been doing:

- She gets very excited about Christmas lights. When we're driving in the car, she yells "Ights!" and then when she sees them says, "Woooahh!" If she doesn't see them, she says over and over and over again, "Mo ights?" (translation, more lights)

- She has been going potty on the toilet. Don't worry, she's not freakishly advanced, she's not potty trained. She just thinks it's really fun to sit on the potty when she goes poo poo sometimes. Many times she will tell me and sign, "potty," but th

en just sits on the toilet for at least 5 minutes without actually going to the bathroom. I got her her very own potty, so she will say repeatedly, "Bizzy's potty, Daddy's potty" as she points to our real toilet.

- She has started to understand the concept of closing her eyes during prayer. So instead of just closing her eyes, she covers her eyes with her hands like she's playing hide n' go seek. She gets very confused though because she knows she is supposed to be folding her arms. That's a tricky one.

-We have been reading the nativity fairly often this month. So now almost every night when I ask Briz what book she wants to read, she says, "Cheesus." It's very sweet. She sort of likes "Anta" (Santa) too, but he's just alright. The real Santa freaked her out.

- She has this weird obsession with monkeys. But not in a cute way. She thinks that there is a monkey in her room. She always points to the closet. I

tried taking away the stuffed dog that I thought maybe she was mistaking for a monkey, but it didn't do any good. She will get scared sometimes and run up to me and hug me. When I ask her why she's afraid, she says, "Monkey." And now she has started saying, "No no monkey."

- She likes numbers, but doesn't really understand counting. So for example, she will look at two items of something and say while she points to the objects, "Whu, two, tee." (one, two, three) When I ask her how many there are of something, this is always what she does.

Thanksgiving

2010-12-12T00:22:00.000-08:00

We spent Thanksgiving up at my parents in Lake Oswego with friends. Landon and Sierra made it home after a long traveling experience. And we were glad to hang with them. Brizzy was especially happy to have Ewadaw (L dawg, aka Landon) and Itsi (Sis). Here are some pictures and a video.

Papa and Nona at a Christmas tree lighting thing. There was a large soldier and snowman. She was a little freaked out.

Nick, Sisi, and Nona outside at the lighting ceremony.

Brizzy is obsessed with pushing things. She no longer wants to sit in her stroller, she wants to push it.

The blondies. A lot of people still think that Briz looks like Sierra, but I don't see it.

The video below is Brizzy pushing Jaron around my parents house. It was so funny. They did it for like 30 minutes.

Hawaii

2010-12-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

I'm only like a month behind. But I have lots of excuses as to why I am. None of which I'm going to take the time to explain here, because well I'm busy. But here are a bunch of pictures from Hawaii. It's a little depressing posting them because it already feels so long ago. Maybe

I need to go back again soon :) I wish!

The view from our condo.

Nick and our moped.

Uhhh, look at that water!

I really wanted to buy this for Briz, but it was too small.

Beautiful sunset one night.

Top left: Nick and Brett trying out the moped. Possibly my favorite picture from the trip.

Top Right: Julia and I tried to get on the paddle board at the same time. It was a lot of work and we were pretty unsuccessful. I snorted a ton much salt water up my nose from laughing while falling in the water.

Bottom left: Nick getting sandy

Bottom right: Nick and Brett flirting with the old ladies.

Top left: Nick, Kyle, and Brett out on the the town in Lahaina

Top Right: Brett posing with a creepy cowboy guy. Who knew cowboys exist in Hawaii?

Bottom left: Before dinner at a local Hawaiian restaurantght:

Bottom right: After dinner

We had so much fun with our friends in Hawaii. We did miss our Briz. I'm not sure she missed us, but we like to pretend she did. We did, however, sort of forget that we had a kid sometimes. It was like before we had her. Anyone ever want to go to Hawaii, let us know. You know we're always up for it!

Damn Cold

2010-11-25T07:37:00.001-08:00

Okay cold, you were fun at first, with your little bit of snow and all.

But now you are definitely overstaying your welcome.

I moved to Oregon to get away from you!

Global Warming my ass.

New blog

2010-11-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

Check out my new photography blog. I'm really excited about it!

www.lacphotography.blogspot.com

2010-11-20T20:23:00.000-08:00

Brizzy is talking a lot these days (see video below). Often she is singing/talking to herself in her own language, but she is saying like 10 new words a day. I can't seem to keep up. Here are some translations of her talking:

-Mommadadda - the combined parent, much more powerful than mom herself (she also says nonapapa)
- kween uh - clean up
-waydeego (always whispered with her arms stretched out) - where did it go?
-nuk - milk
-teez - please
-taayou- thank you
-yiiiaaahh (long i sound) - yeah! what she says when she's excited, which is quite often
-yeth - yes, which she says nonstop
-nak -snack, which is what she calls all meals
-cooookie - this means well, cookie, but also, she gets it confused with the word cooking, so I have to be careful about that. When I am cooking something, she automatically thinks she's going to get a cookie.
-wuh you - love you, she always signs this when she says it, which is hilarious, and makes her look like a slow child.
-cawcaw - car. She has been saying this for a while, but her obsession with cars seems to grow! Apparently, the only thing she will watch on TV is nascar. Nice.
-baccue - vacuum, which she is still afraid of. But she has her own vacuum which she loves. Mommy's baccue is evil.
-paapaa- backpack. I got her an adorable little backpack in Hawaii which she wears anytime we go anywhere. Sometimes it gets so heavy that it makes her fall over and its really funny.
-sweee - sweep. Briz helps me clean, its one of her favorite things to do, so this is why much of her vocabulary has to do with cleaning.
-bow- (said in a very deep voice) ball, the other favorite toy still (Other favorites, mimi-minnie, beh/taddy- teddy bear, biby - baby, buhboo- big bird, biggy- binky).

I could go on and on, but I won't because you will be incredibly bored with me. I just think she's the funniest person alive. It makes for great entertainment. A good reason to have a kid :)

Friends, friends, friends

2010-11-18T16:56:00.001-08:00

I like my friends.

Sometimes being Mormon sucks. Particularly when Halloween falls on a Sunday. But luckily, we have friends who make it fun anyways. On All Hallow's Eve, we spent the evening at the Thayne's eating good food and just talking and laughing. And I think our kids had like 15 bruises/falls between them because we were busy neglecting our children. But hey, that's what friendship is all about right?

Squishy cheeks!

Kyle and Adam reading some stories to the kids.

Jaron loves Uncle Kyle.

Kristi is staying warm with Megan's amazing quilt. Just because we're friends doesn't mean we all possess the same talents. Sometimes Megan likes to make us look bad.

Adam is enjoying sharing the frosting with Piper, perhaps a little too much!

Jaron is showing off some of his moves.

Playing under the table.

Thanks for dinner guys. We need to do it again, soon! Because otherwise, I may not have a good meal for a while :)

For the next few days . . .

2010-11-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

I will be here . . .

passed out on the beach, exhausted from preparing to get here :)

Halloween

2010-11-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

We had a busy Halloween weekend, so I have divided into three big events:

1. Nelson's Halloween Party: Their annual costume party where a ton of people from our ward show up. It's the non-censored party if you will. Our family went with an Asian theme this year. Nick was a Samurai, I was a geisha, and Brizzy was a sumo wrestler. I sprayed Brizzy and my hair black, but Brizzy's hair was gray by the end of the night, so she just looked like a big fat, old lady in diapers. For a good part of the night, she was wearing no diaper, just a cloth thong thingy to get the full affect. It made people a little nervous that she would take a dump on the floor, but she held out for quite a while, just in time for us to put a diaper on her. The best costume of the night was Brett as Coach Beast (see my facebook page). Briz was a champ, as we made her stay up until 10 p.m. The sugar kept her going strong!

2. Nash's baptism, etc.: We drove down to Eugene for little Nashy poo's baptism. We, however, missed, the actual baptism, because Nick and I were busy arguing over directions. We did make the confirmation, however, and for the rest of the activities for the day. We went out to lunch at Olive Garden and to Crosby's soccer game. I did not dress Briz quite appropriate; she was freezing in her dress. She was so cold and tired, she even fell asleep in my arms at the soccer game. It was a Halloween miracle and I loved it, even though the poor girl was so tired.

3. Trunk or Treat: I didn't get to spend a lot of time enjoying the night with Briz because I was busy running the cake walk. But I did get to spend a little bit of time with her. She was a ladybug for this night, because the outdoor trunk or treat was too wet and cold for just a thong. And she was just as adorable. She loved trick or treating. It took her a few cars, but she got it pretty quickly. She would go up to a car trunk, say "twee," take the candy, throw it in her pumpkin, and sign/say "tayyoou" (thank you). She loved just running around with her candy and with all of the big kids. Sugar + Briz = happiness.

P.S. I forgot a big fourth event. Briz went into nursery on Sunday! Wahoo!!! I felt like Mel Gibson because I kept yelling "Freedom" randomly during church. I really did feel like I had so much free time. And she loved it. I was hoping maybe just a little bit that she would miss me, but no, she didn't.

Sick

2010-11-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

The month of October has generally sucked for me. And that is not fun because I love October. Not only has it been beautiful weather in Oregon, but it's the beginning of the Holidays. And I just haven't felt up to the excitement, unfortunately. It went from a flu to a cold, and now I am pretty sure I have bronchitis. The worst part about it, and this may be TMI, but I pee my pants a little if I cough too hard. Damn you Briz and your birth! Luckily, I have a hilarious daughter who keeps me in good spirits (For when she's asleep, I have Gilmore Girls on the internet). Here's a little video of her being her.

Games in Eugene

2010-11-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

The last two weekends Briz and I have gone down to Eugene to visit cousins. Our trip a week ago was to watch some soccer and football games.

Jaxon pushing Briz in her stroller after his football game.

I love Briz' new puffy coat. She can hardly move in it sometimes, particularly if she falls on the floor; its nearly impossible for her to get back up. It involves a lot of grunting and I love to watch.

Jaxon was more excited to play with Brizzy and show her off to his fellow teammates than he was to even really play. As you can tell, Briz didn't mind the attention.

We went to Tyus' soccer game where he played great. It was fun to watch him play on the JV team. But also weird. It makes me feel old!

Crosy, the stylish teenager with Briz (doesn't Briz look like Chris Farley in this picture?)

Brizzy's so lucky to be adored by her cousins. She adores them equally back. Endless amounts of attention! Who could ask for more?

Pumpkin Patch

2010-10-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

Brizzy and I went with some friends to a pumpkin patch a couple weeks ago. I think the highlight was this crazy cool bouncy floor thing. Briz loves to bounce.

Facebook

2010-10-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

I have seen this movie twice in the theater now, and I absolutely love it. I would even consider going to see it a third time (and that's a lot considering how cheap I am). Yes there are a couple racy scenes, but nothing that was too disturbing. Since watching this movie I have become a total geek, researching the facebook story. The whole thing is completely fascinating to me. And what is even more cool is that it is an entrepreneurial phenomenon from my generation. Anyways, just thought I would share . . .

Report

2010-10-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

I am a complete failure as a person. During my wonderful weekend in Vegas, I didn't take any pictures. But I wanted to give a quick report of my great weekend anyways (Once someone else posts pictures, I will show some here).

It was an excellent four days with Sam, Bri, Mander, Mary, and Maggie. We talked, watched movies, ate a bunch of crap, shopped, ate out, went on walks, and talked some more. I got to see Baby Owen (aka Willow), Kate, and Maggie (whom I hadn't met yet); and all three babies were amazingly well behaved. It was the longest I have been away from Briz, and I was better than I thought about missing her. I guess it helps when I know her Dad is doing a good job taking care of her. But my favorite thing about the weekend was just laughing with my friends. No one thinks we're as funny as we do, but that's what makes it great.

I'm already looking into our trip next year!

P.S. I had to work really hard to keep swearing out of this post.

For the next few days . . .

2010-10-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

I will be here. Soaking up some sun and clubbin' it with the ladieeezz. Okay, not really, we'll joke about going out and probably stay home and watch Friends. Either way, I'm excited!

Sleeping

2010-10-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

Watching people sleep can be so endearing (the exception may be my father in law who snores louder than anyone I've ever met!). Some times I will sneak into Brizzy's room at night and watch her sleep, I love to see her all sprawled out and quietly snoring (it's genetics Here are a few sleeping stories from the last few weeks:

The other day Nick came home and him and Briz were both very tired. Nick went upstairs to play with Briz while I got dinner ready. I heard one of the scariest noises for a mom: silence. So I went upstairs to check on them and this is what I found. So sweet, particularly since Briz is not a cuddler and hardly ever falls asleep in our arms.

Another night, Nick went in to check on Briz for some reason, and found her laying like this. Apparently, she was extremely relaxed in her sleep. Don't you love the high quality tummy shirt for pj's?

Triathlon

2010-10-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

About a week and a half ago, I completed my first Sprint Triathlon. It's a 500 yard swim, 12 mile bike ride, and 5k. Overall, it was really fun, and I ended up doing better than I thought I would. But next time, I would definitely ride my bike more than twice before! That may help prevent my behind from going numb. My favorite part was the swimming though (probably because this is what I prepared for the most, duh). I have never swam in a competitive atmosphere before and I loved it! My favorite thing is that you can't really tell what's going on outside of you. So I definitely think I will do another one. Here is me swimming at the beginning of the race.

Giggling

2010-10-03T23:34:00.000-07:00

After a week of Brizzy stealing toys from kids and getting into things she shouldn't, while yelling "No!" non stop, I like to remember her in a simpler, less dramatic way :) I know, I know, it's only just the beginning.

Puke

2010-09-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

Warning: Don't read this when you're eating!!!

I had my first true baby puking experience. I have to say I dealt with A LOT of puke when Briz was a baby (not as much as Sadie!). But it's a whole new ball game when they it's sick puking and it's real food.

I took Briz to our school's girls volleyball games last night. She loves going to sporting events because of the music, and all of the big kids there. But it was tough because I couldn't really let her run around. When the JV game ended, they started setting up the varsity volleyball net and court, etc, so I let her run around there while we finished watching the freshmen game. I wasn't paying very close attention to her. At one point, I picked her up and felt something wet on my shoulder. I just assumed she was drooling a lot because she tends to do that. But then I smelled something nasty and I realized she was puking ALL over me, her, and the volleyball court. We were out on the court by ourselves, so about all 100 people in the stands were staring and making disgusted faces. I was SO embarrassed.

She kept throwing up as I ran out of the gym and took her to the locker room, leaving a trail of it as we went out. And I seriously smelled so bad I felt bad for anybody who came within ten feet of me. I took off my shirt in the car because it was so gross, and was just wearing my sports bra. I figured I could make it out of the parking lot safely. Oh no, I saw three teachers and a few students that I knew. I have never driven so fast. In the car, Brizzy threw up about 3 more times, then once in the garage. The rest of the throwing up was contained to her crib, but I have yet to do so much laundry. I know a lot of mothers are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no biggie. But I was exhausted after last night! Thank goodness she woke up like nothing ever happened. After all of that cleaning up barf, I rewarded myself this afternoon with a nap :)

Ball

2010-09-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

One of Brizzy's favorite things to play with is a ball. It has been and I hope it always will be because it is easy entertainment, and I'm all about that. She has this cute little feminine voice that she uses quite a bit these days. But when she says and signs ball, it is in a very deep masculine voice that always makes me laugh. Here is a quick video of her playing with her favorite toy.

Grocery Store

2010-09-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

At the grocery store today, Brizzy was a little spaz today. For the entire hour that we were there, she was singing to herself and dancing like a crazy person. I guess at least she kept herself entertained!

I put my hands up in the air sometimes . . .

2010-09-21T19:33:00.000-07:00

I should probably make a continual blog post that starts with, You know you're a bad mother when . . .

But anyways, I like to listen to sometimes inappropriate music: pop, rap, rock, you name it. And although it is edited, Nick still gets mad at me for playing it in the car while Briz is in there. A little Eminem isn't going to hurt her! But she has taken on a few favorites, and as much as this may be a bad thing, I think it's hilarious. Her three favorite songs right now are (forgive me if I don't have the names right):

1. California Girls by Katie Perry. She gets excited when the chorus comes on and starts bopping back and forth.

2. King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. This pleases me the most because well, I think Sara Bareilles is awesome, and so does Briz. Okay, I'll admit, I may have forced this one on her a little bit. But she still likes it!

3. And her newest favorite is a song that goes, "I put my hands up in the air sometimes, saying Aaaayyyooo . . ." Don't know the title, don't care to. This is how I know she is an individual, because I hate this song. The other day she was crying in the car, but then this song came on and she started dancing and putting her hands in the air.

On another note, she has become deviant. She has completely stopped listening to me. I might as well be mute because my words, like Uh-huh!, No!, Stop!, Hold my hand! mean nothing. (Every once in a while threatening a time out works). She also has learned to steal kids food at daycare when her teachers aren't looking. I am so screwed with this child.

Lotion

2010-09-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I can be odd at times. I have certain things that put me on the verge of OCD. For example, I use lotion . . . a lot. I have some sort of bottle in pretty much every known location: purse, work, car, bathroom, bedroom. This is mostly because I can't handle my skin feeling somewhat dry ever. But it's a little sad that I have already passed this oddity onto my daughter. I didn't think I would start seeing my negative influence on her until she was at least a little bit older. She loves to put lotion on her hands and rub them together. Sometimes she will just put her hands under the nozzle and pretend to rub them. What a funny girl!

P.S. I got a flip camera for my b-day and I'm excited to actually be able to upload videos onto my computer. Finally!

No Labor Day

2010-09-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

As noted in the previous post, Nick and I went to our family cabin for labor day weekend. When sitting around, doing nothing but eating, we realized that the name for the weekend is pretty ironic, because we were doing pretty much the opposite of labor. But that's neither here nor there . . .

Here is a slideshow of our weekend. This was my fourth trip to the cabin this summer, so needless to say I love it. The water is pretty cold, but I don't care, its extremely clear. It's basically glacier water, so you can see straight down for a long, long time. And I feel tough when I go in it :) When it's hot there, the water actually feels really great.

Unfortunately, that weekend, it was only warm on Friday. Saturday and Sunday were beautiful, but it was definitely already starting to feel like fall. Our days consisted of throwing rocks in the water (Brizzy's favorite thing), reading, talking, coloring, and eating of course. On Sunday, we took a little hike up Odell Butte to about 7,000 feet, and it was gorgeous. You never fully understand how many trees are in Oregon until you see them from a high place.

I'm happy to say that Briz loves the cabin probably almost as much as I do. But probably for different reasons. She loves all of the attention she gets from her cousins, and I love the freedom :)

So long summer cabin, hopefully we will see you in the winter time!

Wakeboarding

2010-09-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

From 2010 Cabin September

Labor Day Weekend, Nick and I went to our family cabin at Crescent Lake. Thursday night, our friends Brett and Julia came and stayed the night and we spent the next day on their boat. It was a lot of fun. I have basically lived on their boat all summer long. But it was fun this time with just us four and the two babes. Nick and I both owe all of our wakeboarding improvements to them.

Nick of course was a show off. He absolutely loves an audience. I was nervous about his knee, but I've already told him that we are not paying for any more knee surgeries in 2010. In his mind, he has mellowed it down, but if you can tell by the pictures, he's still a crazy person behind the boat.

And me, well, not so much. In fact, I have now figured out that I enjoy crossing the wake only to my front side, so that's all I do. In an attempt to be more daring this last weekend, however, I tried to catch some air. And I was successful! Nick informed me that I got about as much air as I do when I jump off the ground, but still, I was okay with it. It was so much fun, and now I am understanding more why Nick is such a daredevil behind the boat. I decided to post this proud moment via blog, so you have proof.

2010 Cabin September

2010-09-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

This is my little Maori dancer. She has always loved to dance, but her moves have evolved. She went from neurotically swaying her head to the "fat guy in a little coat" dance to pelvic thrusting. Now, she spreads her legs ridiculously wide apart and stomps them back and forth in a very aggressive manner while she has a big goofy grin on her face. It makes me laugh every time.

Other new developments: picking her nose, saying "Ow!" every few minutes, and finally climbing up and down the stairs by herself.

This is what I get . . .

2010-08-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

Late one night, we saw our friends had done this to our house. Nick almost went outside naked to scare them, but it was a good thing, because the people we heard were not the culprits, but some skaters across the street.

The next morning, our neighbors came and knocked on our door; they thought something bad had happened to Briz. Hahaha. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little embarrassed to admit that my friends (who are almost 30) caution taped our house as a joke.

Back to School Back to School

2010-08-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am back at work, as of last Friday. I am still resisting it a little, and still in disbelief a little, mostly because it's such nice weather. I don't like working when it's nice and hot outside. I guess the good news is I'm only .5, so that helps me feel like I can still play a little. And I took Briz to her very first daycare. And man, that is an experience. I think I anticipated it to be incredibly heartwrenching, that when it was only sad, I was relieved. But Briz and I both managed to survive it. And I think it will be okay. It is still definitely not ideal (ideal would be to have unlimited amounts of money and to hire the best nanny money can buy to be in our home), but it will work. I'm grateful that I don't really worry about Briz in social situations. She is a very strong, aggressive little girl, that if anything, I worry she's not going to be disciplined strictly enough and that she'll pick on other kids. And I am also grateful I have a job that I love. In this economy, particularly in education it is really difficult to get a job, particularly that meets my needs as a working mom.

The Almost 16 month old

2010-08-15T14:45:00.001-07:00

I thought I would just give you a quick update about Briz. A few facts about this almost 16 month old:

- Still likes to eat . . . a lot.
- Loves to get messy. When going to the beach this last time, she would throw her food in the sand, roll it around, and then eat it. Lately, she's been enjoying eating sand, dirt, lotion, butt paste, you name it. And her meals are EVERYWHERE.
- Likes signing, she's a signing fool these days. It's fun to see her understand and learn.
- Whenever she does anything good she claps for herself.
- We are giving time outs more frequently because she understands when she's doing something bad, like stealing a toy or hitting her friends, and she will quite often give me an evil grin right before she does something bad. The good news is that after her timeouts, she really generally doesn't do it anymore, at least for a few hours. We're also signing sorry quite a bit.
- Recognizes people much more easily and is starting to say people's names (Like Nona, Papa, Landon, Sisi, Yahyah, Grandpa).
- Finally says Momma or Mom. It's kind of funny because she pronounces it very clearly. Sometimes she will say, my Mom.
- Wants to be running around ALL the time! She is a girl on the go.
- Becoming more and more social. When she sees kids at all, she can't resist going near them and trying to play with them. But she doesn't want them to actually help her, because she of course is just way too big for that.
-One of her new favorite words is "Nah," which means No. Lucky me. I tried avoiding that by saying uh uh! when she does something bad instead of No. Guess it didn't work.

When I start to think about it, she really hasn't changed much since she was a baby. She is still stubborn, independent, verbal, smart, aggressive, impatient, and goofy. The other thing that hasn't changed is I still can't resist kissing her cheeks. I'm starting to grieve going back to work because it will mean less Brizzy time for me :(

Busy Summer

2010-08-14T23:56:00.001-07:00

My summer has been nuts. Nuts I tell you! But in the best way. Brizzy and I have been traveling buddies, mostly stay-cations really. I have two things to demonstrate just how "on the go" we have been.

1. I have taken hardly any pictures the last 5 weeks. I know, crazy.

Most of the time I have been without Nick, so it's me dragging Briz along with me, and trying to do fun things and watch a kid doesn't leave me with a ton of extra hands. Although as the blog viewer/reader, you may be happy about this, considering I generally put way too many pictures up.

2. When Brizzy wakes up she signs two things, the first is food of course. But the second she signs and says, "caw caw," translation car. In other words, where are we going? We have hardly been in our home for more than 45 minutes without traveling somewhere, even if that's just a day outing. The other morning I was doing my hair in the bathroom, Briz walks in and says, "caw?" Briz has already learned that if I am doing my hair it is only because we are going out and other people will see me, and so I must look somewhat groomed. What have I taught my child? Hopefully I have taught her to take advantage of Oregon summers. I am going back to work this week, and it just all goes by way too fast.

Here are some of the fun things we've done, most of which have not been captured on camera (I do however have some videos on my phone, which I have yet to learn how to upload since I don't get internet):

- Drove to Utah for a Barney Family Reunion in Ogden Canyon (this was without Nick, and yes, I do recognize just how crazy I am for doing this thirteen hour drive alone, but Briz was pretty good, all things considering), where I got to see all of my aunts and uncles and cousins and visited BFF Sadie.

- Went to our family cabin on Crescent Lake (three times so far) and played with cousins and aunts and uncles there.

- Visited Great Grandpa Denny in Sisters

- Have basically lived on boyfriend Jaron's boat and had my first tube ride

- Went camping at Lake Billy Chinook (again without Nick and yes I am once again crazy)

- Visited Portland Zoo

- Picked blackberries, strawberries, blueberries
- Went hiking at Silver Falls

- Visited the beach a few times

There may be more, but I'm tired just typing it. This has all been within a span of about 5 weeks, so yes, we have practically lived in our car. Hopefully Briz will be satisfied with a much less exciting life once I go back to work.

I am tired, so I avoid putting clothes on her whenever possible. One less thing to do.

Beach

2010-08-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

When all of my family was in town, we went to the beach for an afternoon. It turned out to be a gorgeous day. We all went wearing sweatshirts and pants, assuming that the beach would be crappy since it was still rainy and cold in the valley. But it turned out to be gorgeous. We even layed out!

Portia and Palmer were busy making "soup." Brizzy really did believe the sand was edible.

She was a mess! Sand pretty much in every crevice imaginable.

I tried to give her food, but she ended up eating mostly sand. Eh, oh well. It can't kill her right?

Walking with papa. She thought it was fun to run from the waves. I made her get her legs wet because I'm a mean mom. No really, I am. The water was freezing!

My favorite part of the day was when Portia peed her pants. No explanation really, I just thought it was funny.

A lot, lot more pictures

2010-07-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I promised a few posts ago, that I would have a lot more pictures from when my family was here. And here they are.

At this point, Landon still liked to keep his church clothes on as long as possible. This is the day after his homecoming.
My attractive husband playing a mean game of croquet

How cute is this smile?

Portia is SUCH a flirt. It's really entertaining.

Nick's pose cracks me up in this picture. Sometimes the way he moves his hands are a little TOO much like his Mom :)

I was trying to get him to look up, so I told him to look up at the bird in the tree. This is the result.

She loves her aunt Mac. And let's be honest, she knows just how to milk it from her aunt.

Nothing quite as comfy as Mama's chest. I love her hand resting on Bri.

Sierra describes this as a Senior Picture. It totally looks like it.

I love this picture of Paul.

Great Uncles James. He said his name should be shortened to just "Great James," but it doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Cousins, and uh, the ball that Nash is holding.

Three things are funny about this picture:

1. Nash's face

2. Palmer's face

3. Palmer's hand

Papa and Nona giving loves to their grandkids. Can you see Brizzy's expression in this picture? Her cheeks are so smushed together they're like squeezing in her face. And I'm not sure she appreciates the love from Papa.

Cousins that look just so much alike.

Nona was happy that she just had her eyes open in this picture. It's a miracle!

Don't you just to nibble on those cheeks? Beautiful little Teya.

Hahaha. I love this picture. It's a regular occurence in our home. You would think that Briz would be used to it, but she still gets a little scared sometimes.

Portia thought it was a fun project to comb Brizzy's hair.

As mentioned above, Portia is a big flirt. Her boyfriend for the day was Jaxon, her cousin. In the words of Jaxon, "She wants to have a life long sleepover!" I got some pretty funny pictures of Portia being rather aggressive with him :)

Awww yeah, wearing Dad's slick sunglasses.

Portia followed Jaxond around all day, and then continually jumped on him. It was really hard not to laugh watching them.

Doing a little wrestling.

Nash loves Ronell. They both like yellow.

I just miss her! Stupid Arkansas.

Hahaha. I can't help but laugh when I look at this picture.

Her little model pose.

Baxter loved giving Jaxon kisses. Look how freaky his eyes are here. Spooky.

Another great niece to add to the list.

Kazden just taking it all in.

Posing in front of the Puerto Rico flag.

This was no posed picture. He legitimately wanted to squirt me.

She is such a gorgeous baby.

We're all happy Lanny's home. It was a great excuse for everyone to get together.

So which picture was your favorite? I always like getting feedback.

Relay

2010-07-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

I realized I forgot to post about the Oregon Epic Relay that I ran at the end of June. It was a relay race, consisting of 12 people, 2 vans, and a whole lotta fun. I was the team captain, which was well, not, so much fun. But once the running actually started, I had a blast. It was an adventure to the say the least. (The pictures are in reverse order, sorry, too lazy to change it).

Tom won the Prefontaine look alike award, mostly be default. But he won a really nice pair of sunglasses, and my favorite quote of the whole weekend probably was his: "This is the best day of my life."

After it was all over. We busted our hinies to come into, well, dead last. Yes, that's right. But we still had like a 9:30 mile, which for us, was pretty good, so we still had a shred of pride left. Just a shred.

Here is Mac finishing in Eugene at Alton Baker Park. Some of the guys were being pretty nice and running with her, but then, of course, she had to try to beat them at the end.

Nick with his bro, Seth. Seth was nice enough to drive down to Oregon with his van to run on our team. But then after his first leg, his knee was killing him. So his van forced him to stop running. He was a good sport about the whole thing.

Brett was our volunteer allstar. I only wish he was wearing his volunteer snug orange vest. It was a good look. He even dressed Jaron in orange just for Nick. Awwww.

Mac flew up from San Diego to run. I will take credit for inspiring her to take up running again. We both look really attractive here. Especially me with my double chin.

This is me dancing out in the street, waiting to entertain our runner. I was mostly likely dancing to either Justin Bieber or Chingy. Both equally awesome.

I was trying to be our water girl for Sarah. This was her crazy long run, 7.5 miles or something. And it was her third leg! But she did SO good, she probably didn't even need me.

Madisen eating yogurt with a pea pod I think. Mmmm.

This was our sweet set up in the back of the burb. Pretty nice if I don't say so myself. It's like we were pros!

Sierra came up and joined us for what was supposed to be Landon's 2nd leg. She did excellent, and she was very excited about her night time gear.

This was a guy from one of our favorite teams, the mohawk team. Here he is throwing up. And for some reason, everyone started cheering, myself included. I don't know, mob mentality or something. It was weird.

Mads getting geared up for her "night time" run. It was funny because it was still really sunny out. But hey, rules are rules.

Except Julia did not want to wear the night time gear. The volunteer got mad at her at the exchange and we kept yelling at the volunteer, "Don't worry, we know people!" (Meaning Nick, cause he puts the race on).

Mel said she likes beavers. I dunno.

Sarah is a crazy person and she ran in pants!

Julia. Poor Julia got lost for a couple hours on Saturday morning. I haven't had that much anxiety in a long time. We're glad she's safe, and even more happy that it gave us an excuse to cheat and skip a few legs.

I put this picture in because I wrote with a car marker, "Assphalt Kickers," which was the name of our team on my arm. But I wasn't very smart because I wrote it on the inside of my arm, so it got smeared and sweaty. I'm not always the sharpest tool in the shed. But all of the blue smudge took days to get off.

But overall, it was one of the most fun weekends I've ever had, and I can't wait to run in another one whenever I get the chance. Well done Nick, well done.

Going Private

2010-07-21T10:21:00.001-07:00

I've had it! These weird Chinese people keep commenting on my posts and it's freaking me out. So, I've decided to make the plunge and go private. I really don't want to, but I believe it's a necessarry evil. I'm going to make it private in a week, so please write a comment and leave me your e-mail address if you ever at all look at my blog. Don't be shy! I take it as a compliment if you ever do, and it will make me like you more :)

If you get this past Julye 28th, then you can write me an e-mail requesting an invitation at cottle.lexie@gmail.com

Playing at the park

2010-07-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

All of the Ainge siblings were together in Portland for a couple weeks. That's right, ALL of them. That includes my little bro Landon. We were mostly all there because he was returning from his mission in Puerto Rico. But it just so happened that Briawna's family was on their way, moving from Utah to Arkansas for Ronell's new job at Walmart. And Sierra is home for summer break from college. The couple days before Lando returned, we just hung out in the sun, and in water.

Mac brought her "baby," Baxter. My favorite thing about him being there was that Portia can't pronounce his name, so she calls him Baster, which pretty much sounds like Bastard. It never got old and always put a smile on your face.

The girl with so many expressions.

The girl with the ginormous tummy. Honestly, I think she's sucking in in this picture.

So squinty in the sun. She's still getting used to it. What can I say, she's been negatively affected by our lack of sun here in Oregon this year.

How many times do we have to beg her parents to put her in modeling?

Palmer's flapping arms and hands are adorable. He was loving the water.

P.S. I apologize, but I have many more pictures, so they will be coming soon.

Neighbors

2010-07-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

We just put our house up for sale, and I have very mixed feelings about it for many reasons. One of the reasons I am sad is because I love our little cul de sac. We have the nicest neighbors who just love Brizzy. Evan and Emma ask almost every day if Brizzy can play. And they love trying to teach her all sorts of things, and trying to lift her (even though she's getting pretty heavy). In their attempts to "help" her walk, they usually knock her down. But I think its pretty good for her because she doesn't have older siblings. She's quite independent, so she doesn't generally appreciate people helping her. She thinks she's as big as they are, and wants to do everything by herself.

Helvetia Hell

2010-07-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

In June, I completed one of my goals for the year and I ran a half marathon. It was a big accomplishment for me because I really am not a good runner. Honestly. I have always ran a little bit, but like 2 to 3 miles. It felt great because I learned that I can push my body much harder than I used to believe I could. And it was a great excuse to train. But, it was hard! I started getting blisters about mile 5, and my knee started to kill about mile 10. It was ridiculously hot and it was hilly, but I did it. Before running, I had thought about continuing my training and doing a marathon, but about halfway through the course, I thought to myself, there is no way I am ever doing a marathon! I think a half is my limit.

Playin' in the mud

2010-07-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was so sick of the stupid Oregon weather and waiting for the sun to come out, so I decided to make due and let Brizzy play outside in the clouds and mud while I worked in the yard.

Pickin' Berries

2010-07-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

My friend Kelly was generous enough to invite me and some other people to her grandpa's farm to pick strawberries. And here's the best part, they were free! Okay, so I actually sort of invited myself. But I'm glad, because it was fun to pick berries, and now my freezer is stock full. Brizzy was pretty tired and sort of a whiner when we were there. She was shoving strawberries and dirt into her mouth most of the time. And she was an absolute mess! But apparently, doing that wipes her out; she passed out in the car immediately after. It's fun to have my little pal around to do things with, even when she is whiner :)

Coronado

2010-07-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

This is my last post about our California trip, I swear! One of the days, we went to Coronado Beach. It wasn't as warm as I had wished, but Brizzy still loved playing in the sand and the water a little bit.

Getting her started early.

Love the chubby legs.

With aunt Mac. I love her cheeks in this hat!

Brizzy loved Baxter, Mac's dog. When they rode in the car, he would rest his head against her car seat, and she would play with his ears and talk to her.

Happy 4th of July!

2010-07-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

SeaWorld

2010-07-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

I am extremely behind in my posts and pictures! I'm still stuck in April, and I promise to get updated . . . some time. As for now, I am still blogging about our trip to California. The same trip that we went to Disneyland and the San Diego Zoo, we went to SeaWorld.

Outside the dolphins' pool.

My little blondie.

She loved the shows. Music plus animals equals magic for Briz. Here she is watching Shamu.

We were able to rotate and go on the rapids ride. It was freezing, but fun!

She was a little scared of the sharks and the scary music.

Loving the sea lions. She loved all of the exhibits because she was able to stand and bang on the glass while she watched the animals.

She wanted to dive in with the fishies.

Getting spoiled by aunt Mac.

Trying to get the polar bear's attention.

Signing "more" at the pet show. There were trained dogs, cats, pig, and even ducks!

We're very happy that Mac and Paul will be staying in San Diego for a long time. That means many future trips to SeaWorld.

Lots of Animals

2010-06-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

While in California, a few hours were spent at San Diego Zoo. I have never been, but I mean, who hasn't heard of the famous San Diego Zoo. So of course we had to go. Plus, Briz, despite her Dad's attempts to dissuade her, loves animals.

At the front.

Excited! Not the smartest face!

Riding the little gondola thingy. She loved it.

Giving me the stink eye.

How cute is this polar bear? He looks like he's smiling in his sleep.

Not sure which animals we were looking at, but she was very interested.

Zebras! She still has a hard time understanding that she should look where I'm pointing. Sometimes I exaggerate to try to get her to follow my finger.

Trying to crawl over the fence to go wrestle with the pandas.

The little baby panda. He just looks so sweet and fluffy.

Those are some big behinds! Brizzy staring the backside of some hippos.

This tiger was freaky! He kept pacing back and forth quickly right up next to the glass, like he wanted to eat all of the little kids watching him. I swear he made eye contact with Brizzy.

The face of the hippo.

It was so fascinating watching the gorillas. They just looked and moved like people. My favorite was when the babies were wrestling with their mamas.

His foot.

Just laying out scratching your armpit. I forced McKenna to take this picture.

Ticklish!

Look at those chubby knees!

It was unfortunate that we didn't get to stay there longer, because we didn't get to see everything. This zoo is huge. But it was fun, and I probably loved seeing the animals even more than Briz.