Nick and Briz

I don't love taking pictures of myself when I'm pregnant.  But I still want to capture a lot of   moments of our family, so I end up with a lot of pictures of Nick and Briz.  It ends up being really sweet, because I feel like I can really see a lot of their relationship through the pics I take.

Briz has been very sweet to her parents lately.  I get a little worried at times about how close she is to  us/how aware of us she is.  But I'm also hopeful that with a little sister, that will change things some.  I always knew that for our family, we needed more kids, and if nothing else, to help Briz.  But in the meantime, I love the cuddles and all of our sweet times together.

Briz loves letters  and reading, but she doesn't seem to love math so much.  Nick, determined to turn her into a businesswoman, has taken it upon himself to try to teach her math.  Here he is doing some addition with his freakishly long fingers.  He turns everything into fun for Briz.

This is a face he makes all of the time, when he gets all excited with Briz.  Pretty scary.  He turns everything with Briz into a fun game.

Nick is growing his hair out right now as well.  I love it.  It looks a little bit like a 90's AC Slater haircut when he doesn't style it.  Nick's got a lot of hair, so it can get pretty big.  But I am encouraging him to grow it out as long as possible.  I told him that he can grow it out to his shoulders, and then I can cut my hair, and everyone in our family can have the same hairdo.  He wasn't a big fan of the idea.

A game of Twister one night.

Dad was pooped after and mad at me for taking his picture.

Briz was devastated that she lost.  Losing is not her strong suit.

Reviewing right hand and left hand.  She seems to know them very well when we practice piano, but in Twister, she was struggling.

From my Camelia bush in my backyard.  Love all of the flowers blooming in the spring.  Normally I go a little more crazy and am picking flowers/planting flowers every day, but cutting them down from my yard once was ambitious enough for now.

It has been sunny and warm every day, and I am trying to take advantage of it the best I can.  We decided to paint Brizzy's birdhouse outside.

She thought it was so fun!  I love this age and how she gets excited about literally everything.

Briz giving her Dad some cuddles.  She was most likely sad about some sort of injury.  She gets about 10 "owies" a day.  It is really funny though because half of those are oddly similar to some of my physical problems, i.e. "Mom, I have a really bad headache;" "it just hurts really bad when I bend over;" "my arms just itch really bad."  Hmmm. Curious.

Briz looks so much like her Dad.  Her hair is darker than its ever been and so I keep freaking out about how much they look alike lately.  

Can you tell Briz likes her Dad a little from this picture?  Doing some wrestling with the Papworths. 

Briz went out one morning after the birdhouse had dried, got a chair from the backyard, and hung it on our apple tree.  She is so proud.  Every day she asks why Birds aren't going inside.  I haven't yet broken the news that its a ridiculously small birdhouse, mostly for decoration.

We like to visit Holland's grave around Easter, and we figured next Sunday would be busy enough, so we went this last Sunday.  Briz was so excited to bring her some pictures.  Briz doesn't really remember Holland, but she loves the idea of her.  In particular, she loves to tell people that she has two sisters!  

Briz and Dad talking about death and life while searching for some pine cones.  Briz always has a lot of questions, many of which she has asked before.  I love watching her little brain figure out these complicated matters of life.  And I also love watching her get excited about Heavenly Father's plan for our family.

She drew Holly her very own Easter basket.  And she drew clouds with each of their names on them to show that they will be together in heaven.

Some more cuddles with Dad.  Nick can't get enough, particularly since I only let him touch me if he is willing to scratch me :)

And in baby news, my itching has started to get bad.  Ugh.  There was a tiny tiny part of me that thought maybe I would be spared this time.  The worst part about it is the lack of sleep.  I have been pretty good about not drinking caffeine this pregnancy, but that just went out the window.   I plan on  hooking up a diet dr. pepper IV.  Also, my belly is huge!  I feel like a giant waddling whale.  My belly is so big, I can't believe I have another 8 weeks.  And yes, my waddle is embarrassing.  Most of the time my belly and southern regions hurt so bad that I can't move them at all, so I walk with my feet about 4 feet apart, facing outwards, and just moving my arms.   But the positive side of that, is I discovered today that I can rest my food on my belly now.  I get to take advantage of that for a whole 2 months!   

Letting Go

I almost titled this post, Let it Go, mostly because Briz sings it ALL of the time and it gets stuck in my head.  And she has added a nice new verbrato every time she sings a song.  I have to hide and laugh, because she is so serious when she sings.

 But this post is a bit more serious.  I have had some insights into my grief lately that I wanted to try to share as concisely as possible.  Since I've been pregnant, my grief has manifested itself differently.  One thing that I have found is that for the most part, I haven't felt anything towards this baby I'm carrying.  I could care less about anything baby related, and I almost dread thinking about her arrival.  Not exactly how you would hope to feel and certainly not how I have felt with my other kids (although I did have my own worries).  This has concerned me, but not enough to push me to figure it out.

I still see a therapist every few months just kind of as a check in, to keep an eye on my grief and help me manage life and take care of myself.  My last appointment came just a few days before I had my 20 week ultrasound.  I shared my apathy with him.  And I shared that I am nervous about this baby taking the place of my forever baby, Holland.  And what I discovered was that in my own way, I am trying to keep Holland alive.  I don't feel like I am generally, because I don't talk about her a lot, I will mention her, but I don't feel like I have been over the top.  But internally I feel this huge obligation to still take care of her in the ways I can, now that she is dead.  Whether that's by visiting her grave, letting people know that I had a daughter that died, or making sure we involve her in family things.  I feel an immense amount of guilt if I fail with one of these things, because I am her Mom and she's my baby and I have to take care of her right?

(the freaky one eye open while she's snoozing).

I had to remind myself that Holland doesn't need me anymore.  She is doing great.  I am her mother, but she doesn't need me and it is impossible to maintain the same kind of relationship with someone that is not physically present.  I have my memories, and I have my sweet experiences with her every now and then.  But that's it.  And by trying to maintain this close relationship, I am trying to keep her alive in a way.  I have been afraid what having another baby would mean to that relationship, and so I think I have just dreaded it.  It's scary to think of letting her go because what does that mean for me?

So often I engage in these behaviors, particularly as a Mom, because Holland died.  Example: I check on Briz in the middle of the night every night.  She doesn't need me to and I certainly never did that before Holland died.  It's not by any means some extreme behavior, but I do it simply as an obligation to Holland, to try to hold on to her and the meaning of her death.  Letting go means that I don't define my behaviors as a mother from her death, that I simply parent as me.  And it means that this baby girl inside of me has nothing to do with Holland.

It will be a process to really let this sink in, but I already feel a bit like the "old Lexie."  And I already feel more open to connecting with this baby girl.  I have a lot of stubborn moments, where I think "No, I can't completely let her go.  It's too hard."  But I am now finally starting to understand what the final phase of acceptance is.  I thought I had already accepted, but being pregnant, and starting a new stage has helped me realize that like always, there is more work to do! :)

Holland's 2nd

Holland had her second birthday and it was a sweet simple day for our family.  Briz had been ecstatic about having a birthday party for her and eating cake and ice cream.

Nick and I shed some tears thinking about what Holly would be like as a two year old and reflecting on all of the many hard moments in the last two years.  But thinking about her as a two year old, and also about her birth makes me smile.  I'm glad we can do something to make the smiles continue.

We met at her grave with some family and friends to write messages on balloons and let them go.  It's funny, but we got just as excited to see how high the balloons get.  This year, they seemed to follow the sun, right where it was peaking out from the clouds.

And then there was some that got caught in the phone wires :/  Good job Papa!

Her grave is starting to look a bit more mature.  For a while, the grass wasn't grown in, but now it's starting to look more like the others.  It looked particularly pretty that day with all of the flowers people brought.

We got a lot of support from our family and friends, who let balloons go. We loved it!  It seems kind of silly, but it really does mean a lot to us.  

Above is our friends Steven, Meredith, and Weston letting go of balloons in Massachusetts.

Paul, Mac, Dane, and Lincoln in California.

Grandma Great in Utah.

Pops in Utah.

Briz asked that Holly would send her a rainbow for her birthday.  Brittany sent us this picture.  Briz thought it was pretty amazing.  But she was also not surprised at all.  

Daniel, Carly, Sadie, and Elise in Utah.

Molly, Michele, and Maryjane in Utah.  And it was MJ's birthday too!  What a nice cousin.  Aunt?

Ronell, Bri, Palmer, Portia, Teya, and Thatcher in Washington.

After balloons, we had cake and ice cream at our house.  It was a rainbow cake, per Brizzy's request (notice a theme?).  

It was a good day.

Mother's Day

My Mother's Day was a bit lame this year.  My Saturday before Mother's Day, however, was excellent.  We celebrated Mothers day on Saturday.  Nick made me some German pancakes, got me some trashy magazines, and he got me a pedicure/manicure.  I'm not a big fan of spending money on things like getting my nails painted, but I forced myself to enjoy it, and I actually did in the end.  But now I feel pressure to continue painting my nails!

My favorite thing from the day is going to Riverview Cemetery.  I have often seen people biking/jogging through the cemetery and have always wanted to.  We did.  It was hard.  But awesome.  I want to do it again.  I love spending sunny days there.  

Briz was being a pain and did not want to smile.  She must have been exhausted from sitting in the stroller the whole run :)

That night, Nick and I went and saw Bill Cosby, ate at Cheesecake Factory, and saw The Great Gatsby.  It was like three dates in one!  It was an excellent pre-Mothers Day.

18 months

I have begun to notice that with markers, the actual day of the marker is not too hard for me.  Because I anticipate things a lot, it is the beginning of the month that is difficult for me.  I realized with the beginning of February, that Holland would be 18 months old on the 22nd!  I can't even describe how strange that is to think about.  In so many ways, she is frozen in time as my two month old and I expect time everywhere else to freeze as well.  She would be going into Nursery this month.  She would be walking and talking a bit.  She would no doubt be a chubby thing and probably bugging her big sister quite often.  18 months.  I can't wait to be with an 18 month old Holly.  

Since her death, I have tried to not think too much about what she "would be" at the current moment.  At least not too much, because truthfully, it just makes me way too too sad.  And I also don't like dwelling on "what-if's" or "what-would-be's."  I don't think they are very productive or helpful.  I am busy enough trying to cope with my life the way it is and accept my "new normal"!  But I found myself crying and smiling thinking about her as a little toddler, finding bittersweet joy in being reminded of her as a person, a spirit, my daughter.  And she will be my daughter through every stage of life once she gets to live it, just as she still my daughter, busy in heaven.  

I like to think of her as the complete person she is, not perfect, but as a girl with her own distinct spirit and personality.  The pictures below remind me of that.  She HATED getting out of the bath and HATED getting her clothes changed. She was a sweet thing almost all of the time, but when this happened, she would scream bloody murder and she would turn all red.  We would just laugh at her.  And boy were her arms strong!  She would clench them like she was flexing her biceps and sometimes it would take both Nick and I to pin her down to change her.  I always joked how I had hope that she would be our athlete (cause Briz is ALL girl).  

 And she was also a big snorter.  This little picture makes me think of how during sleeping, she would snort a lot.  And sometimes we would be in public and she would snort loud and it was a bit awkward. But she loved to cuddle so perfectly.

I love thinking about the moments with Holland that made me laugh.  One of my favorite things in life is to laugh at/with my kids :)

I miss my sweet girl.  As much as I did 16 months ago, and in some ways more.  It's a little daunting thinking and realizing that I will always miss her the way I do now, but I am glad I  have something to remind me constantly of the next life and my reunion with her. And I am still learning from her death as I suspect I always will.  This last week Briz was getting sort of frustrated with me as we were talking about why babies die.  She wanted to know the exact reason why Holland died.  She kept trying to say that Holland was sick.  But she finally accepted and has still been chewing on the answer of, "Someday we will find out, probably in heaven."  Her go-to answer these days to any question to which we don't know the answer is, "Welp, we'll find out in heaven!"  

I love being a Mom and learning so much about God, eternity, the atonement, and myself in the process.  

Merry Christmas Holland

Every moment of grief for me is a learning experience.  I learn something about my new life and losing my daughter.  That in and of itself is a blessing.  It's a source of growth, which is the purpose of life right?

This month, I was surprised at some moments how much easier this Christmas was than last.  But then there were times where I was surprised at how hard it was.  It's always around big groups of family, because I want to shout from the rooftops that someone is missing.  But I also don't want to always be the buzzkill.  I am grateful for my family that makes an effort to include her in our festivities without me throwing a big stink about it.  

As usual, we went to her grave and went Caroling.  We also watched her updated video that I made.  I loved sharing it with the Hugh cousins, who never had a chance to meet her and weren't able to attend her funeral.  We opened up Holly's stocking first on Christmas with presents that remind us of the true meaning of Christmas, and Mike and Julie gave us their Christmas present to Holland.  Even with those things, it doesn't feel like enough. 

I am a lot harder on myself than I used to be I think in all ways.  I am always feeling like I don't do enough to remember my little girl.  And I want to remember her cause I miss her.  

Holly-Day

This was our first official Holly Day, and it went really well.  A big part of that was we had Nick's sisters, Jacci and Brittany, in town.  And they pretty much took care of Briz.  They got up with her, took her to her ballet and soccer classes in the morning, and just helped out a ton.  Nick and I were able to sleep in.  We had a pretty easy going day.  After we had a late start, we met Briz and the girls at Holland's grave.  We were able to talk to her a bit and think about her now year-long absence.  

I love going to the grave because I generally feel uplifted.  I love that Briz has a chance to talk to Holly, share things with her (last visit she wanted to tell Holland all about her new boots).  We talk to Briz about death and get to have conversations about Holland and our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness.  And we get to cry together as a family.  I love that we have a designated spot to do this.  But that's all it has become for me.  I don't think of Holland as being there.  I think of her as being close to me and my family most of the time.  It truly is a memorial place where her little body is.

We took our donations from the Holly Hoop and we purchased a gift basket for the Piscitelli family, in honor of Vienne.  It was a fun day of shopping for Nick and I, talking about memories of Holland and thinking of another family and what would truly help them heal at this time and in the future.  With every purchase we made, we included a note to explain why we purchased that.  Many of the things that we purchased were things that Nick and I have used that have been helpful to us.

We saw this rainbow on the way to Holland's grave.  It was kinda cool because there was a rainbow during the Holly Hoop.  Coincidence?  I think not :)  Just a sweet message.

The gift basket and frame.

Items in the basket:

- Flowers and a vase: when you are getting flowers fairly frequently, you can never have enough vases.  I always appreciate flowers if they seem cliche.  If nothing else, I like to be able to put them on Holland's grave to make it look pretty.  And it's something that brightens up my house when it might seem otherwise kind of dreary.

- Framed picture of the race start with a signed matte.  I wanted the family to know how they are supported, even from people that they don't know.

- Gift card to buy christmas presents for Vienne.  We explained our tradition of opening Holland's stocking first.  We bought Vienne a little dinosaur ornament also.

- Grief journals.  I have a journal that I record experiences with grief and just about Holland in general.  It started out as a journal for Holland when I was pregnant, but then after she died, I wanted to still use it.

- Gift cards for massages.  I have gotten fairly regular massages since Holland died, and it's been helpful for me.  I also saw a chiropractor for a while.

- Books about grieving. I just started reading my book club book.  I made a joke that recently I am ready to stop reading self help books.  For about a year, that was pretty much all I read.  And I am still reading them, just not exclusively.  It's been something that has helped me a lot.  I am able to learn a lot about what I am going through and what is helpful.

- Donation for grief counseling.  This has also been a lifesaver.  We have been to support groups (Compassionate Friends and Brief Encounters), to individual counseling, and marriage counseling.  We are still very heavily involved in the counseling.  Grief is hard in and of itself, but it tends to affect every relationship and every thing in a person's life.  I don't know how anybody gets through the mess that it is without guidance and help from professionals.

We dropped it by quickly at the Piscitelli's that night.  I remember I wasn't interested in having to socialize a lot with strangers or people I didn't know very well.  I always felt awkward and like I had to comfort or entertain them.  I am so glad I met this family and was introduced to Vienne.  In a completely selfish way, they made my Holly Day enjoyable.  Being able to think about them and in what small ways we could try to help them heal was what made my day.  That and being with my family.

One Year

I am not sure how to write about the year mark of my daughter's death.  I feel so many conflicting feelings that shift hourly.  One minute I am still angry that she is gone.  I feel sad and stuck.  Another minute I feel excited and proud of myself that I survived the first year.  I feel relieved that it is passing me by.  I feel hopeful that this next year will be easier.  I feel guilty for feeling hope and guilty for leaving her behind.  I feel depressed that at times it seems as if I'm as sad as I was a year ago, maybe even more sad because a year ago, I was in such a fog of trauma.  It feels impossible to sum up all of the feelings I have had for the last few weeks.  But one thing that I have found is that often the anticipation of a big marker is the worst.  And it is also a lot easier for me to handle these markers when I can anticipate them.  

The beginning of October was difficult for me because I was not expecting it.  I didn't realize that the beginning of "THE month" or that the change in weather and the change in colors would result in such a big reaction from me.  But it did.  I naturally felt like I did a year ago.  And all of a sudden I felt like my life was frozen.  I felt discouraged that I would always be in this same place of paralyzing sadness.  But as the month has gone on, I actually feel better and more hopeful that I will someday have full capacity as a person back.  

Grief is so hard and it has changed me forever.  Sometimes that is hard to accept because I feel like I have been a pretty driven, optimistic person.  I'm not sure if that same person will return.  I still don't really feel like "me."  And it's scary to think because I don't always like myself the way I am right now.  I am overly anxious about things, I laugh less, I get overwhelmed very easily, I am sad often, and make other people feel uncomfortable because of my sadness.  I am hard on myself and feel guilty for stupid things all of the time.  I know that I will always feel a bit of emptiness and sadness for not having my daughter with me in this life time.  But I don't always want to feel the way I do most of the time now.  I want to feel normal and I want the normal life I had always anticipated having.  I guess I'm not sure what normal even means anymore though.  

Overall, at this time of year, I miss her.  I miss my life with her.  No matter how much I know that she is in heaven, that she is with loved ones, and that I will see her again and be with her again, I am still missing my sweet girl and wishing I felt as good as I did when she was alive.

Wonderful Day

As noted in my previous post, I was a little nervous about Holland's first birthday.  It was hard to know what to expect.  But it ended up being a wonderful day.  We were surrounded by people we love and felt lots of love from people all over the world.  I was able to reflect upon the huge blessing my little girl has been and is to me.  Our family has experienced some painful moments; things that I never ever thought I would have to go through.  But there has also been so much gained through all of that.

We were at Eagle Crest with the Ainge's for my cousin Kim and Joe's wedding.  We spent the morning horseback riding.  Our cousin Kennedy was nice enough to let us use her horse, Spirit.  And anyone who knows me knows how much I love horses, so I was in heaven.  And what was even more enjoyable, was watching Briz ride a horse and love it too.

Then we went back to the resort, went swimming.  We loved watching Briz get braver by the moment and little Dane go crazy in the water.

At 3:33 we started our birthday party.  We had a bunch of balloons, and all of our family members there wrote personal messages to Holland.  We then sent the balloons up.  And I honestly didn't expect it to be as cool as it was.  I'm not sure if it was cause we had a little group of people or what, but I loved it.  And I loved that Briz thought it was fun.

We then opened a present for Holland: just a little book.  And my sister and brother in law got her a card and some flowers.

And to top it off, we sang Happy Birthday and had some yummy Costco cake (thanks to my parents for getting that).  It was simple and sweet; just what I had envisioned.

But the best thing were all of the sweet messages we got: the pictures of people sending off their balloons.  I was shocked.  I just didn't expect people to remember a ton, or to be able to find time to send balloons off (it seemed like a bit of a fiasco for us!).  I am so glad that people thought of her on her birthday.  And it makes me feel so much peace because not only does it mean they are thinking about her, but that they are thinking about things that are greater than our stupid daily cares.  For just a moment, Holland makes us think about eternity.