An Attempt

I am going to attempt to start writing about the loss of my beautiful little girl. I don't promise any eloquence or even any insight with posts about Holland, but as I told Nick the other night, I like to "keep it real," and so that's what I will try to do. I also am not planning on turning this blog into a public journal. However, I have used this blog for the last few years as a place to share my family; to update others on what has been going on in our lives. And right now (and I suspect for a long time to come), Holland's passing is an obvious blog-worthy event in our lives.

The best that I can do today is share random thoughts running around in my head. I have way too many that its impossible to write them all down. But hopefully thanks to my clonazepam (anti-anxiety medication is a big life saver right now), I will not get too carried away and make sense of a few.

- My house feels very quiet and a little lonely, even with maniac Briz running around.

- I am grateful I have Briz to wake me up in the morning; not sure I would ever choose to do so on my own.

- I get very sad thinking about shallow things at times: what clothes Holland will never be able to wear, or how I will not be able to share how beautiful she is with others. Pictures just don't really do her justice.

- I was particularly bias towards Holland's beauty. While she was a chunker, I commented to Nick probably at least once a day how beautiful I thought she was. And this is coming from a person who really does not brag about her kids; I tend to just make fun of them.

- I want to edit, perfect, print, and frame every picture I have of her. I want to make books of rememberance, adorable little keepsakes . . . all right now. I am worried that if I don't, I somehow will forget or won't be motivated to do it in the future. I am worried others will forget her. At times it has put me in a panic.

- My favorite thing about going into her room is being able to smell her still. I miss her smell. Even the gross spit up smell.

- I wish I could have a funeral for her every week, well okay, at least every month (its a lot of work). I want people to remember her and feel her spirit often. And I want to be able to share that with people.

- I tried to jog a little yesterday and I felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds (and with the amount of sugar I have eaten in the last few days, I am slowly working my way there).

- I think the most beautiful place on this earth is the cemetery where she is buried. Riverview Cemetery. It is and I think may always be my favorite place on this earth.

- As somewhat of a skeptic, I never knew I could have a knowledge of an afterlife, but I do. Not one tiny doubt. That's the gift I am holding on to the closest right now.

Holland's Video

I am not really able to start writing about the loss of my baby girl. I have too many thoughts constantly spinning around my head, making things seem foggy. I am tired. Sometimes it feels like I am so heavy that standing up is an extremely difficult task. But I know I will write about it, and hopefully soon. Because if nothing else, I need to for me.

In the meantime, I wanted to share this video that was made by a family friend for Holland's funeral. Friday was a wonderful day, which sounds strange to say about a day when you bury your daughter; but it was. I was with so many family and friends. I felt loved. And above all, I was able to show off my little girl; particularly to those who never had a chance to meet her. And for those that were not able to attend the funeral, I wanted to be able to share a bit of Holland with them as well. So here it is.

Punkin Patch

About a week ago, we went to the pumpkin patch. We had a hayride through an apple orchard, pet some animals, picked out some "punkins" and Briz got her face painted. This video makes me laugh because I love how Briz can't stop looking in the mirror at herself when she's getting her face painted.

Her latest sayings

Here are some of Brizzy's favorite phrases these days:

-"Hmmm, let's see . . ."

-"What's next Mom?"

-"Here's the deal . . ."

- "That's a good idea!"

- "Oh my gosh!"

- "My hair is magical."

- "Oh well."

- "Dats okay."

-"Why?" (by far my least favorite, and probably the most common)

-"I'm just lookin' at it!"

So Long Summer

Summer is over, and really has been for a while. And while I am sad, it has been fun to start doing holiday things with Briz because she's old enough to get it. A couple weeks ago, however, we got a few days of warm weather, and as a true Oregonian I took full advantage of the sunshine and took B-riz to the pool.

One of Brizzy's big accomplishments of the summer (the first probably being that she didn't severely injure her baby sister), was swimming all by herself with just water wings. She also likes to jump off the side of the pool by herself, and swim to the side. We now have to practice her skills in the indoor Nike pool because our warmth and sunshine has left us :(

My Sign

I wish I could wear a sign around that says:

"I just had a baby a month ago, please give me a break."

Particularly when:

- I am running so slow on the treadmill that I might as well be walking
- It takes me two hours to load up my car in the parking lot
- I am like Goldilocks and can describe my clothes as either too big or too small
- I have generally not showered when I go out into public
- Nick comes home and tries to be as nice as possible when he says as he looks around the house, "So . . . what did you do today?"

What's happenin'

To answer the title of this post: not much. I am merely giving in to peer pressure by posting pictures of Holland. And I can't believe its taking peer pressure from my friends and family to get more pictures taken/posted. I am slipping. Yikes! Poor second kid is neglected. Last night Nick and I were having a sporadic conversation upstairs. After about twenty minutes, Nick goes, "Hey, where is Holland?" And I responded with, "Oh yeah, we have a baby." :)

Most of the time, when she's not being ignored, we love to cuddle with her. She rolls up into a pefect little ball. The creepy thing about this picture is I have an ultrasound picture that is identical. It was during this ultrasound that the technician was freaking out about how chubby her cheeks were and Briz thought it was hilarious.

Holland hates to be cold. She gets royally pissed when someone tries to change her diaper or clothes. Generally she is quite a mellow thing. But when one of these two things happens, she lets you know right away. Note: She also hates to be kept waiting when she's hungry. She's a total porker.

I am very proud of this picture because I caught her with her eyes open (even though you can't really see her all that well). She still hardly ever opens her eyes, at a little over 3 weeks. Is it wrong for me to want her to stay this way until she's 17? Sure it might mean she's a little slow but it would be well worth it.

I thought that Brizzy's love for Holland would die down but it has been the exact opposite. Her affection just seems to get more intense and aggressive! Here are some things she does to Holland:

-Runs toy cars over her face

-Sings to her. Usually I am a Child of God. Eh, that song!

- Shares her toys with her. And then gets very frustrated when Holland doesn't wake up to play with said toys. Briz will poke her in the eyes and sometimes try to pry her eyelids open.

-Tries to help Holland when she is crying. In the car the other night, when Holland was crying she tried to hold her hand. "Holland, hold my hand. Stop crying little girl! Mom, Holland won't stop crying!"

-Jumps on top of her. The other night, Holland was lying on her bed when Brizzy full on jumps in the air and lands on her knees on top of Holland. Nick's instinct was to throw Briz off her bed. When we asked her what she was doing, she said she was trying to bounce Holland. Duh.

Because we are incredibly spiritual people, we have been trying to read the Book of Mormon with Briz. And when I say we, I mean Nick. I generally just sit there and laugh uncontrollably. Briz has been talking a lot about Laman and Samuel being good boys. I mean, she's smart, but not that smart. She's a little confused. What she never gets confused about is Sariah. She loves her.

Briz and Nick have been wresting a lot these days. This particular fight was over Brizzy's princess crown. She loves it. She wears it all day every day. She is obsessed with anything princess. Whose child is this?!

Nick and Briz getting their energy out. They have way too much. The upside to this with Briz is that she takes crazy long naps. Nick is also a very heavy sleeper, but that is not the best thing with a newborn. I generally have to hit him on average 10 times before he gets up with Holland (note: I am a really good wife and hardly ever make him up, but that also may be because its way too much work to get him out of bed).

I am torturing Holland here; its right before a feeding. And while she may think the couch is food, she is getting a bit of an ab workout in. She will thank me someday.

I think its a great thing I take a bazillion pictures of my kids. However, I have corrupted Briz. She has turned into a little poser. Every time she holds Holland she looks at me and says, "Take a picture." She does not get this blue steel pose from me however. She gets it from these crazy people. I guess I should just be glad that she is no longer doing her really really ugly fake smile. Seriously, it was scary.

Briz sharing her baby doll with Holland and Holland is pretty freakin' excited about it.


She is a crazy maniac. She likes to push her stroller around a lot, but generally without a doll in it. We have been working on potty training and she has been semi-successful. Besides me actually being home a few hours a day to help her, the big key has been offering her money. Its the biggest motivator for her. She's a greedy little toddler that loves money. Whenever she finds change lying around the house, she quickly steals it and puts it in her bank.

Holland doing what she does best: sleeping. Her stats for two weeks were:

Length: 20 inches, 35 %ile Weight: 8 lbs., 39th %ile

We also found out at the dr.'s that we have thrush, but luckily we caught it pretty early and it is now almost gone.

She likes to sleep with her head resting on one arm. It has been a complete 180 from having Briz. It's just so interesting how they come with little personalities. She is sweet and mellow and I am pretty sure Nick nor I have anything to do this that :)