Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Real Pregnancy Update

I am 17 weeks now, almost 4 months.  There are days when I feel like this is the longest pregnancy that I could imagine, and others when it feels like it is going by so quickly.  I am just starting to "pop" and I started feeling the baby kick quite a bit this last week (it actually already is hurting me - not a good sign!).  But overall, it's been a strange experience being pregnant with my third child.

I am not one of those people who has said that I have hated pregnancy or that I feel like I have awful pregnancies.  I've also never particularly loved being pregnant.  With this pregnancy, I'm not sure I would use the word hate, but I'm definitely towards that side of the scale this time around.  I've experience nausea before, throwing up every so often, learning the tricks of the trade where I avoid certain foods, eat every so often, blah blah blah.  But those tricks have not mattered at all this pregnancy.  I started getting what I would call average morning sickness right away, lasting about two weeks, and I thought, "Oh yeah, I know how this goes."  But right around 6 weeks it changed, and it turned into morning, afternoon, evening sickness, all the time.  I had the hardest time deciding what to eat, it literally changed every day.  And then I got smart and decided to choose the foods that were easy to throw up.  I was miserable.  I have always looked at other women who get really sick during pregnancy and have felt so bad for them, thinking I could never do it.  Well, I was right to feel bad for them.  And I was right to think that I couldn't do really do it, 'cause I didn't really. Things in my life were sort of chaotic.  Luckily, that ended about 15 weeks.

Right around 12 weeks, I started getting chronic migraines.  I get migraines normally fairly so often, but that is one thing I love about being pregnant - no migraines.  Wrong.  They lasted about 3 weeks, and I was able to get through them with some newly prescribed medication.  The migraines turned into just average headaches around 15 weeks.  

Right around 15 weeks the itching started (yes, THAT itching).  Luckily, LUCKILY, it was fairly moderate and came off and on.  I got testing done right away and right now my levels are within the normal range, so phew nothing to worry about yet.  It's still there, but again, it doesn't keep me up at nights like it eventually will.

I started feeling good.  It was amazing.  I felt hope that I was in my second trimester groove, and even started bragging about it.  Then 16  weeks, I got slammed with the worst flu I've ever had.  I think for me, the flu has always been a two to three day thing where I rest a lot, take some pain meds, maybe if my temp gets high call in an antibiotic.  But I'm very good at sleeping, and that has seemed to work to my advantage.  This flu was different.  Apparently, there is some awful flu going around the schools, so maybe I got that, I don't know.  But I was literally in bed for 5 days straight.  I walked downstairs usually once a day to see if I could find something to eat.  Other than that, I was holed up in my room, sweating, in pain, and in absolute misery.  Luckily I was able to get some meds, and that has started the mending, but I am pretty sure it will take a while before I am completely healed.  I still can't eat (it's been a week), my throat is extremely swollen, I have a cough, and I get winded when I walk about 10 feet.  This flu sort of traumatized me and I'm not exaggerating.  There were a few times where I hoped I would slip into a coma or something so that I could escape the pain.  Nick and Briz are now fighting it, and so we are not socializing much, but I'm just glad I am able to get out of my room.

And comes the last piece of the puzzle to my pregnancy thus far.  My emotional stability.  I knew that being pregnant again/having a newborn would be a bit of a roller coaster for me.  I was talking openly with my doctors about it and my therapist before I got pregnant.  And I was overwhelmingly grateful when I first found out (we had been trying for a bit and I was starting to get a bit worried that we would need to try some more intensive fertility treatments), so I was just so excited initially.  I like to think that may have lasted a bit longer had I not been so sick, but who knows.  Either way, the emotional struggle started fairly early.  I started having nightmares every night about death, about my baby dying, both in-utero and outside.  I had dreams filled with anxiety and self doubt (Luckily most of those dreams have subsided).  During my times when I am awake, I question myself.  I wonder if I can handle another baby.  I feel like I have forgotten all about being a mom to a newborn.  I am scared that I will be disappointed that this baby isn't Holland.  I feel guilty at times that I am forgetting my other baby.   I feel angry that I am pregnant for the third time and yet most people don't know that.  My family seems in a strange way more incomplete than before.  And above all, of course, I am beyond scared that I won't be able to keep my baby alive.  

I wouldn't normally consider myself a worrier (analytic sure), and I know you might be thinking that some of those thoughts and feelings are normal.  They aren't for me.  You also might be thinking that they are kind of absurd thoughts, but it's difficult to reassure me because of my last experience with a baby.  It's funny how many times I hear, "Oh well, they'll survive," or "Well,  my kids haven't died yet . . ."  I don't have that rationale in my mind anymore.  So . . . I worry.  And yeah, I'm pregnant, so chances are I'm slightly more emotional than normal anyways :)

I love being a mother more than anything else.  I have craved it my whole life, and never did I crave it more than after Holland died, but as we all know, being a mother is a complicated thing.  We face so much physical and emotional pain, uncertainty, doubt, insecurity, and fear.    It is hard to face a lot of those negative emotions surrounding motherhood when I would love to be a googly eyed pregnant woman, just elated about onesies and baby nurseries and showers.  But I'm not.  I truthfully don't care about any of that (for now :) ).    

I have had some of the most tender moments of my life through the last few months because even when I doubt myself, I have found strength through others, particularly my daughters.  So for that I'm grateful.  And maybe soon once I can eat food joyfully, then I will be less grouchy :)

And . . . December

After getting back from Utah for Thanksgiving, December just flew by.  This was one year that I was actually grateful for the quick Holiday season because I did not particularly enjoy it (I know, I'm a scrooge).  I was feeling just as sick as ever, and felt so sad that I couldn't jump on board with Brizzy's enthusiasm about everything Christmas related.  I had my moments of trying to do something fun and Christmasy, only for it to wipe me out completely.  

But we didn't do all Christmas stuff . . . 

Briz finished her season of basketball.  She had a blast, and finally learned the concept of selfish basketball, with the intent to show off and score as many baskets as possible.  We specifically told her, when the coach tells you to pass it, ignore him and just shoot.  We're excellent parents.

Apparently there is this like famous tree farm that in all of my years living in Oregon I never knew about.  We decided to go with the Papworths to try it out.  It was a beautiful sunny Saturday, but did I mention it was 28 degrees!  That is FREEZING here.  I wore like 7 layers to keep warm and it did the trick.  

These kids are so cute together, I can hardly stand it.  I love watching them play.

And our Christmas tree pick.  It's a big deal because I'm fairly picky.  It looked beautiful all decorated and lit, and it helped me feel a little more Christmasy in my home.

Most of Brizzy's babysitters know that I do a sticker and/or number chart for Brizzy's behavior.  I try to catch her doing good as much as possible, and for which she earns a sticker/number.  She gets one taken away as Strike One, which is sort of like a warning for either not obeying or whining.  What Brizzy's babysitters don't know is that I am a really bad Mom when I am pregnant and those charts basically go to pot.  Here I am actually following through on something and giving her surprise jar surprise after earning all of her numbers.  She was so excited to have breakfast in bed.

Megan and I took Piper and Briz to their first real rock concert: Portugal the Man.  It was ridiculously short, but that was probably a good thing cause I'm not sure how long Briz would have lasted (and I'm not sure how long I would have lasted either).  They were WAY into it, and did Megan and I proud.

Nick turned the big 32.  Truthfully we both kind of forget how old he is, it took us a while to find the right number.  We did a few things for his bday, but one of which was take him out to breakfast at the classy Denny's.  

During Christmas, cousins came!   Briz loved having kids to play with all day long.  She particularly worships Portia, if you can't tell from this picture.  

The "big girls" took Briz and Portia to see the Nutcracker.  Loved watching their sweet faces during the ballet.  Briz asked A LOT of questions which got old real quick, so we had to institute our no questions policy.  She wanted to know if it everything was "real."  I never know how to answer that question.

Palmer took a lot of selfies with my phone.

The kids were excited Christmas Eve in their cute Christmas PJ's.  This is pretty much the only Christmas picture I took.  But even with being sick, it was tough with all of the mayhem of Christmas morning.

Portia took a lot of selfies.

And she taught Briz how to take random pictures of objects around the house.

Briz made up a story of hurting her knee and Portia wanted to capture it.  Those two scare me a bit sometimes.

I was excited to have Christmas over with, thinking that my pregnancy sickness/migraines would come to a close, and I could start the new year off right.  Not so much (see upcoming post).

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Thanksgiving Recap. Yeah, I said Thanksgiving.

So I doubt there is anyone who reads this who doesn't already know that I'm pregnant. I was elated at first.  I was so grateful and excited that I would randomly start crying.  I felt excited for so many reasons, but it didn't last that long. Soon, my excitement turned to nausea and exhaustion.  It has been a long few months of feeling completely awful, but luckily, I am starting to get into the 2nd trimester wonderfulness.

Anyways, that is why I have not been posting much.  And also why I am so behind.  I won't be trying to catch up, because that would overwhelm me, but I will hit a few highlights.

The first one is Thanksgiving.  We made our 4th drive to Utah this year for Thanksgiving festivities.  I was slightly nervous about making the drive, but it ended up being wonderful because Nick drove the whole way and I just got to sit there and do nothing/sleep:  my favorite thing to do at the time.

Thanksgiving was awesome.  I felt like crap, but my in laws are so wonderful and help take care of Briz, so I basically got to sleep/throw up/watch HGTV the whole week. Plus, I had Nick around for the week which was so wonderful.

Nick organized a huge family football game.  I was sad I couldn't play, but it was fun watching and cheering.  

We took family pictures (I am a little depressed about the fact that this stage of my pregnancy will be captured forever), and Briz and the twins did some of their posing.

These girls are so cute and so fun to watch.  It makes the drive totally worth it.  Briz loves her cousins, and is devastated when she has to say goodbye.
We are trying to get her to smile somewhat normally.  But still not successful.

We ventured out to the Jazz game with the Nelsons.  They were awesome seats, but the Jazz were not so awesome.  Shortest NBA game of my life.  But it was still a blast.

Briz was reunited with Sadie at BYU.  We went to the womens basketball game, where Briz and Sadie proudly got on the big screen about 5 times, and also where Sadie taught Briz the chicken dance (she talks about it frequently).

We visited Santa at Riverwoods.

And rode the carousel.

Brittany went through the temple.  It was such a great evening and I was excited I didn't have to throw up during the session.  

We visited the dinosaur museum for the first time.  Pretty cool.  Briz was disturbed by the dinosaurs eating each other, but it was good for her to study something besides princesses and my little ponies.

We went downtown to visit Brittany at work, and we visited Santa there too.   I am not looking forward to the day when I have to be way more conniving when it comes to protecting the idea of Santa.  

Love this pic of her and Pops.  She loves her Pops.  He gave her a picture of himself, and she hangs it up on her wall.  For a while she wanted to take it everywhere she went.

She is so spoiled from all of the attention she gets from her aunts.

We also saw Uncle Landon a lot and Briz had a sleep over with Aunt Sierra and Uncle Tanner.  There is a lot of love out there in Utah for us (which is why we went 4 times last year!)  All in all it was such a great trip and a very much needed break for myself.