And it's extremely bittersweet to think about what she would be doing right now. It makes me happy to think about my little girl alive and happy. But it also reminds me of how much I miss her and wish she were with me. My aunt sent me a quote a few months ago that I think depicts how people feel when they lose a child, more specifically, a baby:
"When we bury the old, we bury the known past, the past we imagine sometimes better than it was, but the past all the same, a portion of which we inhabited. Memory is the overwhelming theme, the eventual comfort."
"But, burying infants, we bury the future, unwieldy and uknown, full of promise and possibilities, outcomes punctuated by our rose hopes. The grief has no borders, no limits, no known ends, and the little infant graves that edge the corners and fence rows of every cemetery are never quite big enough to hold that grief. Some sadnesses are permanent."
- Thomas Lynch, The Undertaking
Our sadness for Holland is permanent, but so is our love. Our knowledge that she still exists is permanent, and so is the knowledge that we will see and be with her again. I am also extremely grateful for the few and simple memories we do have of her. Her pictures and videos never get old for us.
(I swear, a more lighthearted post will be coming soon:) ).