Saturday, December 24, 2011


Yesterday Holland would have turned 4 months.

Yesterday marked the day that she has been dead longer than she was alive.

Yesterday, it felt like she should still be here.

Yesterday was a hard day.

Yesterday we cried.

Yesterday we remembered her beautiful little face and we remembered kissing her chubby cheeks.

Yesterday made me angry, happy, depressed, grateful, lost, found, heavy.

Today is a new day.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Thanksgiving was difficult. I anticipated it would be. But anticipating what it will be like celebrating a holiday without your child (when you had pictured it in your head many times with her) is completely different than actually experiencing it. Nick and I went back to Utah, which is where Holland died. A lot of people told me I was crazy for going, and maybe I am, but all of the Barneys were coming and Nick and I wanted to be able to see them. More importantly though, we wanted Briz to be with her cousins. Overall, it was tough, and I did not feel very grateful on Turkey day (even though I know I do have innumerable things for which to be grateful). I was just sort of a party pooper. But don't get me wrong, I didn't feel the need to apologize for that, just simply saying that was the case.

Some lows of the trip:
- Going back to the place where Holland died. I walked into the closet where I found her and sobbed so hard I was shaking. I think of that morning every day, but being there made me remember it in a very real way. And even though it was extremely painful and sad, it also felt a bit cathartic.
- Not having much of an appetite on Thanksgiving, which is such a waste!
- Running in a 5k Turkey trot that morning and being really wiped out from it. It can be difficult for me just to be around large groups of people in general.
- Having our rental car broken into, and my GPS and iPad stolen. I think Utah hates me and is trying to tell me to never come back.
- Losing in spades to Nick and Daniel, and being frustrated that my brain just doesn't function that well these days.

Some highs:
- Seeing all of our family, and watching Briz play with her cousins. Particularly hearing Libby yell over and over again in her high pitched voice, "Bizzy!" It made me smile.
- Getting some good cheap shopping in.
- Seeing Carly, Amander, and going on a date with Carly and Daniel.
- Running in a 5k with Nick by my side to push me and keep me going. Actually, just having Nick there in general to help support me. It was a hard week for him too, but yet, he was there for me.

We also went to Temple Square to see the lights. I would place this on both of the categories because it was both wonderful and awful. Well, really, the only wonderful thing about it was seeing how excited Briz was at seeing the Christmas lights. Other than that, it was chaotic and cold, and WAY too many people.

Monday, December 12, 2011


I am about a month behind in my posts. But I am sort of milking the excuses as much as possible right now (and this does not just go for my blog). :) I have mentioned numerous times about how great my friends are. One of my best friends came to stay with me for the weekend. And I love her. Not much more I can say about that. And Briz also loved her. I call Amanda, Mander, but Briz created her own nickname: Mamanda. Now, I'm not sure that is a nickname since it's longer than her actual name, but either way, I like it.

About a week after she visited, Briz was lying in bed and asked me if she could call Mamanda and tell her she loves her :)

Amanda wrote a better post about her trip here. She is such a sweet friend and also wrote a beautiful post about Holland here.

I tried to pay her back by giving her two activities for enjoyment: going to Briz' sports class and watching her fall every five seconds (I am pretty sure the other mothers thought I was pretty heartless as I laugh at my daughter when she injures herself, but I'm not gonna' lie, it's pretty funny), and seeing animals at the Zoo. With Amanda, you can never go wrong with animals.