Thanksgiving was difficult. I anticipated it would be. But anticipating what it will be like celebrating a holiday without your child (when you had pictured it in your head many times with her) is completely different than actually experiencing it. Nick and I went back to Utah, which is where Holland died. A lot of people told me I was crazy for going, and maybe I am, but all of the Barneys were coming and Nick and I wanted to be able to see them. More importantly though, we wanted Briz to be with her cousins. Overall, it was tough, and I did not feel very grateful on Turkey day (even though I know I do have innumerable things for which to be grateful). I was just sort of a party pooper. But don't get me wrong, I didn't feel the need to apologize for that, just simply saying that was the case.
Some lows of the trip:
- Going back to the place where Holland died. I walked into the closet where I found her and sobbed so hard I was shaking. I think of that morning every day, but being there made me remember it in a very real way. And even though it was extremely painful and sad, it also felt a bit cathartic.
- Not having much of an appetite on Thanksgiving, which is such a waste!
- Running in a 5k Turkey trot that morning and being really wiped out from it. It can be difficult for me just to be around large groups of people in general.
- Having our rental car broken into, and my GPS and iPad stolen. I think Utah hates me and is trying to tell me to never come back.
- Losing in spades to Nick and Daniel, and being frustrated that my brain just doesn't function that well these days.
- Seeing all of our family, and watching Briz play with her cousins. Particularly hearing Libby yell over and over again in her high pitched voice, "Bizzy!" It made me smile.
- Getting some good cheap shopping in.
- Seeing Carly, Amander, and going on a date with Carly and Daniel.
- Running in a 5k with Nick by my side to push me and keep me going. Actually, just having Nick there in general to help support me. It was a hard week for him too, but yet, he was there for me.
We also went to Temple Square to see the lights. I would place this on both of the categories because it was both wonderful and awful. Well, really, the only wonderful thing about it was seeing how excited Briz was at seeing the Christmas lights. Other than that, it was chaotic and cold, and WAY too many people.