Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Happy Birthday Baby

It is a few days before Holland's first birthday.  I  have so many thoughts in my head, so I thought I would just start writing them down.  Truthfully, I don't spend a ton of time obsessing over my baby girl.  I have pictures up of her all over my house.  We talk about her openly in our home and outside of our home when we feel that people are comfortable with it.  Briz gives her a kiss every night after saying prayers, and we visit her grave every few weeks.  Our angel Holland has become a part of our lives, as a spirit.  She is ingrained into the fabric of our every day lives and for the most part I am fairly used to this.  But every so often, it hits me how much I miss her and wish she were still here.  These are moments filled with crushing emotion.  I have so many things that come to mind: heartache, sadness, curiosity, and for the sure the biggest one guilt.  But as her birthday approaches and I'm reminded in a very strong way of how much I miss her, I am having a feeling of panic.  Losing a child is hard to explain, because the pain doesn't go away.  I don't miss her any less than I did the day after she died.  She is my daughter and she is a part of me, and the pain is just as real.  But as people who grieve say, we develop a "new normal."  I have learned to function with this ever persistent ache.  And I am used to it most of the time.  I found myself on the computer tonight (not able to sleep) searching the internet for her name.  I just want to hold on to anything that is her, and I thought that maybe I would find something new: something that would surprise me, and it would give me a little jolt.  It's like when I will randomly find a pacifier or a burp cloth in some hidden compartment that I didn't know had been there.  I grab it and smell and kiss it and I never want to let it go.  I still don't want to let my sweet girl go.  Each "first" I experience is scary.  Every time I reach a marker, it's difficult.  But this one feels bigger.  And as with all of the little markers, there are many anticipatory feelings (and not all bad). I hope that with  this first birthday and each first that I feel closer to her, not farther away.  It's a different kind of close than I thought I would experience with my daughter.  A different close than I experience with Briz (The thoughts and feelings I had before Brizzy's first birthday were obviously so completely different). But she is close by.  I hope I can continue to get to know her; no longer my beautiful baby, but my guardian angel.

6 comments:

Carly said...

Happy first birthday, Holland. I've been thinking of you all. Sadie is very excited to send balloons to Holland on Thursday.

Amander said...

Aw, I have been thinking about Holland a lot this month. You write so well - and I love to hear your thoughts about her (seriously, could hear them all the time). I think about her more than you know. Happy Birthday cute Holly Hoo.

Briawna said...

wish we were there with you guys. we'll be doing our balloons tonight.

Maggie said...

It is a big marker Lex. I wish you had her in your arms too. We will be thinking of her and doing balloons as well. You have, in my view, handled this year with remarkable grace. I know I don't see day to day and all the ups and downs, but, for my part I think you've been remarkable. Not by pretending to be stronger than you are, not by denying your feelings, but by letting yourself feel and grieve and go through the process. I love you tons and wish you the best of luck on Baby Holland's special day.

Sierra said...

Today, as I sat there with my 4th graders, I looked over at the date and was instantly reminded of Holland. I, then, thought of her as a 4th grader and almost lost it. Those 4th grade boys were probably so scared. You and her are both on my mind these next couple of days. Thank you for writing this.
P.S. I did my balloon last night.
Love you.

Sammy said...

You have been in my thoughts a lot lately - thinking about you and Holly Hoo. Thanks for including us in celebrating Holland's birth... sending off my balloon tomorrow. Love you!