Happy Birthday Baby

It is a few days before Holland's first birthday.  I  have so many thoughts in my head, so I thought I would just start writing them down.  Truthfully, I don't spend a ton of time obsessing over my baby girl.  I have pictures up of her all over my house.  We talk about her openly in our home and outside of our home when we feel that people are comfortable with it.  Briz gives her a kiss every night after saying prayers, and we visit her grave every few weeks.  Our angel Holland has become a part of our lives, as a spirit.  She is ingrained into the fabric of our every day lives and for the most part I am fairly used to this.  But every so often, it hits me how much I miss her and wish she were still here.  These are moments filled with crushing emotion.  I have so many things that come to mind: heartache, sadness, curiosity, and for the sure the biggest one guilt.  But as her birthday approaches and I'm reminded in a very strong way of how much I miss her, I am having a feeling of panic.  Losing a child is hard to explain, because the pain doesn't go away.  I don't miss her any less than I did the day after she died.  She is my daughter and she is a part of me, and the pain is just as real.  But as people who grieve say, we develop a "new normal."  I have learned to function with this ever persistent ache.  And I am used to it most of the time.  I found myself on the computer tonight (not able to sleep) searching the internet for her name.  I just want to hold on to anything that is her, and I thought that maybe I would find something new: something that would surprise me, and it would give me a little jolt.  It's like when I will randomly find a pacifier or a burp cloth in some hidden compartment that I didn't know had been there.  I grab it and smell and kiss it and I never want to let it go.  I still don't want to let my sweet girl go.  Each "first" I experience is scary.  Every time I reach a marker, it's difficult.  But this one feels bigger.  And as with all of the little markers, there are many anticipatory feelings (and not all bad). I hope that with  this first birthday and each first that I feel closer to her, not farther away.  It's a different kind of close than I thought I would experience with my daughter.  A different close than I experience with Briz (The thoughts and feelings I had before Brizzy's first birthday were obviously so completely different). But she is close by.  I hope I can continue to get to know her; no longer my beautiful baby, but my guardian angel.