I am not sure how to write about the year mark of my daughter's death. I feel so many conflicting feelings that shift hourly. One minute I am still angry that she is gone. I feel sad and stuck. Another minute I feel excited and proud of myself that I survived the first year. I feel relieved that it is passing me by. I feel hopeful that this next year will be easier. I feel guilty for feeling hope and guilty for leaving her behind. I feel depressed that at times it seems as if I'm as sad as I was a year ago, maybe even more sad because a year ago, I was in such a fog of trauma. It feels impossible to sum up all of the feelings I have had for the last few weeks. But one thing that I have found is that often the anticipation of a big marker is the worst. And it is also a lot easier for me to handle these markers when I can anticipate them.
The beginning of October was difficult for me because I was not expecting it. I didn't realize that the beginning of "THE month" or that the change in weather and the change in colors would result in such a big reaction from me. But it did. I naturally felt like I did a year ago. And all of a sudden I felt like my life was frozen. I felt discouraged that I would always be in this same place of paralyzing sadness. But as the month has gone on, I actually feel better and more hopeful that I will someday have full capacity as a person back.
Grief is so hard and it has changed me forever. Sometimes that is hard to accept because I feel like I have been a pretty driven, optimistic person. I'm not sure if that same person will return. I still don't really feel like "me." And it's scary to think because I don't always like myself the way I am right now. I am overly anxious about things, I laugh less, I get overwhelmed very easily, I am sad often, and make other people feel uncomfortable because of my sadness. I am hard on myself and feel guilty for stupid things all of the time. I know that I will always feel a bit of emptiness and sadness for not having my daughter with me in this life time. But I don't always want to feel the way I do most of the time now. I want to feel normal and I want the normal life I had always anticipated having. I guess I'm not sure what normal even means anymore though.
Overall, at this time of year, I miss her. I miss my life with her. No matter how much I know that she is in heaven, that she is with loved ones, and that I will see her again and be with her again, I am still missing my sweet girl and wishing I felt as good as I did when she was alive.