Friday, November 7, 2014

3rd Holly Day

Our 3rd Holly Day has come and gone.  It was different for me this year.  My grief is always changing.  Sometimes its interesting to take a step back and see how it continues to evolve, never gone, because I never will not miss my little girl.  The weather turned cold and wet and rainy the week of the Holly Day.  The last couple years, Nick has been able to take work off on this day and we spend the day together but this year he wasn't able to.  I wasn't feeling very good.  I didn't feel motivated to do much.  I wanted to just sit around, eat junk food, and watch t.v.  But I had things I had to get done: work, baby, Brizzy, house.  That evening, we went out to eat to try do something lighthearted.  Nick and I talked about Holland, what we miss about her, what things would be like with her around.  And then we did our regular shopping for the Mason family.  Briz and Wembley were tired and whiney, so it wasn't extremely fun, but it still felt good to think about someone else.   Since that day, I have been reflecting a lot, just paying attention to how I feel.  And the overwhelming feeling I have had is gratitude.  Holland's death was so hard.  I wanted to die myself so many days.  There were days I remember not sure how I was going to move on with my life or function.  And now I pause every once in a while and just absorb all of the joy I feel.  I miss her like crazy and I still feel so sad thinking about how I don't get to have her right now.  But my faith in a heaven is much stronger than I knew it could be, and I have no doubts that I WILL one day be with her.  I feel gratitude for all of the blessings Heavenly Father has given me since her death.  In particular, I feel grateful to raise my girls with Nick.  I am not sure I would enjoy them as much as I do if I hadn't lost a daughter.  That doesn't make it okay, but its nice to see the blessings that come out of a tragedy.   And at this time of year, when I remember the most horrible day of my life, I believe it truly is a miracle that more than sadness, I feel joy, more than anxiety, I feel gratitude.  For a while I was confused about why God didn't give me a different miracle.  Why didn't he bring Holland back to me, why doesn't he let me see her now, have a dream, a vision, something?  I don't know the answer, except I know that perhaps I am okay without it.  I can still feel joy even though I don't have all of the answers.  It's humbling to know that God has worked miracles in my life.  Different miracles than I asked for, but I have benefited from the change that He can produce, the healing that comes with faith.  I love my sweet angel and have felt her particularly close these last few weeks.  She is still an important part of our family.

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