Holland's Video

I am not really able to start writing about the loss of my baby girl. I have too many thoughts constantly spinning around my head, making things seem foggy. I am tired. Sometimes it feels like I am so heavy that standing up is an extremely difficult task. But I know I will write about it, and hopefully soon. Because if nothing else, I need to for me.

In the meantime, I wanted to share this video that was made by a family friend for Holland's funeral. Friday was a wonderful day, which sounds strange to say about a day when you bury your daughter; but it was. I was with so many family and friends. I felt loved. And above all, I was able to show off my little girl; particularly to those who never had a chance to meet her. And for those that were not able to attend the funeral, I wanted to be able to share a bit of Holland with them as well. So here it is.

Punkin Patch

About a week ago, we went to the pumpkin patch. We had a hayride through an apple orchard, pet some animals, picked out some "punkins" and Briz got her face painted. This video makes me laugh because I love how Briz can't stop looking in the mirror at herself when she's getting her face painted.

Her latest sayings

Here are some of Brizzy's favorite phrases these days:

-"Hmmm, let's see . . ."

-"What's next Mom?"

-"Here's the deal . . ."

- "That's a good idea!"

- "Oh my gosh!"

- "My hair is magical."

- "Oh well."

- "Dats okay."

-"Why?" (by far my least favorite, and probably the most common)

-"I'm just lookin' at it!"

So Long Summer

Summer is over, and really has been for a while. And while I am sad, it has been fun to start doing holiday things with Briz because she's old enough to get it. A couple weeks ago, however, we got a few days of warm weather, and as a true Oregonian I took full advantage of the sunshine and took B-riz to the pool.

One of Brizzy's big accomplishments of the summer (the first probably being that she didn't severely injure her baby sister), was swimming all by herself with just water wings. She also likes to jump off the side of the pool by herself, and swim to the side. We now have to practice her skills in the indoor Nike pool because our warmth and sunshine has left us :(

My Sign

I wish I could wear a sign around that says:

"I just had a baby a month ago, please give me a break."

Particularly when:

- I am running so slow on the treadmill that I might as well be walking
- It takes me two hours to load up my car in the parking lot
- I am like Goldilocks and can describe my clothes as either too big or too small
- I have generally not showered when I go out into public
- Nick comes home and tries to be as nice as possible when he says as he looks around the house, "So . . . what did you do today?"

What's happenin'

To answer the title of this post: not much. I am merely giving in to peer pressure by posting pictures of Holland. And I can't believe its taking peer pressure from my friends and family to get more pictures taken/posted. I am slipping. Yikes! Poor second kid is neglected. Last night Nick and I were having a sporadic conversation upstairs. After about twenty minutes, Nick goes, "Hey, where is Holland?" And I responded with, "Oh yeah, we have a baby." :)

Most of the time, when she's not being ignored, we love to cuddle with her. She rolls up into a pefect little ball. The creepy thing about this picture is I have an ultrasound picture that is identical. It was during this ultrasound that the technician was freaking out about how chubby her cheeks were and Briz thought it was hilarious.

Holland hates to be cold. She gets royally pissed when someone tries to change her diaper or clothes. Generally she is quite a mellow thing. But when one of these two things happens, she lets you know right away. Note: She also hates to be kept waiting when she's hungry. She's a total porker.

I am very proud of this picture because I caught her with her eyes open (even though you can't really see her all that well). She still hardly ever opens her eyes, at a little over 3 weeks. Is it wrong for me to want her to stay this way until she's 17? Sure it might mean she's a little slow but it would be well worth it.

I thought that Brizzy's love for Holland would die down but it has been the exact opposite. Her affection just seems to get more intense and aggressive! Here are some things she does to Holland:

-Runs toy cars over her face

-Sings to her. Usually I am a Child of God. Eh, that song!

- Shares her toys with her. And then gets very frustrated when Holland doesn't wake up to play with said toys. Briz will poke her in the eyes and sometimes try to pry her eyelids open.

-Tries to help Holland when she is crying. In the car the other night, when Holland was crying she tried to hold her hand. "Holland, hold my hand. Stop crying little girl! Mom, Holland won't stop crying!"

-Jumps on top of her. The other night, Holland was lying on her bed when Brizzy full on jumps in the air and lands on her knees on top of Holland. Nick's instinct was to throw Briz off her bed. When we asked her what she was doing, she said she was trying to bounce Holland. Duh.

Because we are incredibly spiritual people, we have been trying to read the Book of Mormon with Briz. And when I say we, I mean Nick. I generally just sit there and laugh uncontrollably. Briz has been talking a lot about Laman and Samuel being good boys. I mean, she's smart, but not that smart. She's a little confused. What she never gets confused about is Sariah. She loves her.

Briz and Nick have been wresting a lot these days. This particular fight was over Brizzy's princess crown. She loves it. She wears it all day every day. She is obsessed with anything princess. Whose child is this?!

Nick and Briz getting their energy out. They have way too much. The upside to this with Briz is that she takes crazy long naps. Nick is also a very heavy sleeper, but that is not the best thing with a newborn. I generally have to hit him on average 10 times before he gets up with Holland (note: I am a really good wife and hardly ever make him up, but that also may be because its way too much work to get him out of bed).

I am torturing Holland here; its right before a feeding. And while she may think the couch is food, she is getting a bit of an ab workout in. She will thank me someday.

I think its a great thing I take a bazillion pictures of my kids. However, I have corrupted Briz. She has turned into a little poser. Every time she holds Holland she looks at me and says, "Take a picture." She does not get this blue steel pose from me however. She gets it from these crazy people. I guess I should just be glad that she is no longer doing her really really ugly fake smile. Seriously, it was scary.

Briz sharing her baby doll with Holland and Holland is pretty freakin' excited about it.


She is a crazy maniac. She likes to push her stroller around a lot, but generally without a doll in it. We have been working on potty training and she has been semi-successful. Besides me actually being home a few hours a day to help her, the big key has been offering her money. Its the biggest motivator for her. She's a greedy little toddler that loves money. Whenever she finds change lying around the house, she quickly steals it and puts it in her bank.

Holland doing what she does best: sleeping. Her stats for two weeks were:

Length: 20 inches, 35 %ile Weight: 8 lbs., 39th %ile

We also found out at the dr.'s that we have thrush, but luckily we caught it pretty early and it is now almost gone.

She likes to sleep with her head resting on one arm. It has been a complete 180 from having Briz. It's just so interesting how they come with little personalities. She is sweet and mellow and I am pretty sure Nick nor I have anything to do this that :)

2 weeks old

Holland turns 2 weeks old tomorrow. It really has already gone by so fast. I can't believe two weeks ago at this moment, I had a big baby in my belly. Very weird. So far things have gone so much more smoothly than I anticipated. Here are some facts about Holland:

-She loves to eat and is a great eater (which is a huge relief considering Briz really struggled).

-She also loves to poop and pee. I mean, this girl is regular. Again a huge relief because Briz didn't poop for 10 days after being born.

-She gets extremely angry when we change her clothes or diapers. When she gets to practice using her vocal chords.

-She grunts a lot, particularly when she starts to get hungry.

-She hardly ever opens her eyes. Nick told me yesterday he thinks she might be slow. It also makes it tough to figure out exactly who she looks like because we don't see her eyes often.

-She is pretty mellow and sleeps a ton! At night she generally goes for 5 to 6 hours. I am an extremely ungrateful mom, and still sigh unhappily when she wakes up to eat in the middle of the night.

-She is very sweet and loves to roll up in a little ball and snuggle with anyone willing to hold her.

-She loves the sound of her mom and dad's voice and pretty much stops crying instantly the second we start talking to her.

-She loves music and the sound of water.

-She has freakishly long limbs, fingers, and toes.

-She has already added a great spirit to our home and family. She makes everyone around her happier. We like her a little.

Brizzy giving her sister goodnight kisses.

No more pictures Mom!

Very relaxed during bath time.