Thursday, November 3, 2011

An Attempt

I am going to attempt to start writing about the loss of my beautiful little girl. I don't promise any eloquence or even any insight with posts about Holland, but as I told Nick the other night, I like to "keep it real," and so that's what I will try to do. I also am not planning on turning this blog into a public journal. However, I have used this blog for the last few years as a place to share my family; to update others on what has been going on in our lives. And right now (and I suspect for a long time to come), Holland's passing is an obvious blog-worthy event in our lives.

The best that I can do today is share random thoughts running around in my head. I have way too many that its impossible to write them all down. But hopefully thanks to my clonazepam (anti-anxiety medication is a big life saver right now), I will not get too carried away and make sense of a few.

- My house feels very quiet and a little lonely, even with maniac Briz running around.

- I am grateful I have Briz to wake me up in the morning; not sure I would ever choose to do so on my own.

- I get very sad thinking about shallow things at times: what clothes Holland will never be able to wear, or how I will not be able to share how beautiful she is with others. Pictures just don't really do her justice.

- I was particularly bias towards Holland's beauty. While she was a chunker, I commented to Nick probably at least once a day how beautiful I thought she was. And this is coming from a person who really does not brag about her kids; I tend to just make fun of them.

- I want to edit, perfect, print, and frame every picture I have of her. I want to make books of rememberance, adorable little keepsakes . . . all right now. I am worried that if I don't, I somehow will forget or won't be motivated to do it in the future. I am worried others will forget her. At times it has put me in a panic.

- My favorite thing about going into her room is being able to smell her still. I miss her smell. Even the gross spit up smell.

- I wish I could have a funeral for her every week, well okay, at least every month (its a lot of work). I want people to remember her and feel her spirit often. And I want to be able to share that with people.

- I tried to jog a little yesterday and I felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds (and with the amount of sugar I have eaten in the last few days, I am slowly working my way there).

- I think the most beautiful place on this earth is the cemetery where she is buried. Riverview Cemetery. It is and I think may always be my favorite place on this earth.

- As somewhat of a skeptic, I never knew I could have a knowledge of an afterlife, but I do. Not one tiny doubt. That's the gift I am holding on to the closest right now.


Amander said...

Lex, you've always been at keeping it real.

This post was really nice and very real. I like to hear your random thoughts.

I wish you could have another funeral for her too, so I could be there and feel her beautiful spirit. But maybe we can go to the cemetery when I come up?

Brittany Farfan said...

Lexie, I found out on facebook, just from browsing. I don't know what you're feeling but I pray for you and know that there is an after life also. Thanks for your testimony. You are a strong woman! Heavenly Father is mindful of you!

Briawna said...

lex, i wish i was there to....well i don't know exactly what i'd do to help but i just want to be there for you. i don't think anyone who felt holland's spirit could ever forget her.

i'm glad you started writing about holly, randomness and all. keep on keeping it real. miss you.

Garnerfam said...

We will never forget Holland.
We are still praying for you guys!

The Winkelman's said...

Lexie- This is Kim Shattuck (now Winkelman), your childhood friend. I haven't spoken to you in years but I just want to let you know that I am praying for you and your little family. I cried watching that little video and even more when I read this post. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings even though I'm sure it is so difficult. There is an afterlife and you will see Holland again. Families are forever!

Jana said...

one day we will all know her, and that is a day to look forward to.

i just wish i could give you a fat squeeze, and i'm not the huggin' type.

Kelly Munns said...

thanks for sharing, lexie. now that you've mentioned how you are afraid people will forget about her, i have to tell you that i'm noticing her name everywhere. there's this coffee mug jonah always drinks out of at my gpa's house. it's a farm scene with cows and green fields, he loves it. on the top, i just noticed it says, "holland." then there's this bar i've passed by a few times by the fairgrounds and it's called, "holland's." anyway, i'm thinking about you and her all the time.

tlenox said...

I wish that I could have met her, but I feel like I've gotten to know her a little through her thoughts. What a beautiful little girl. Thanks for sharing Lexie.

Shawna Wilson said...

Lexie - I have thought of you often these last couple of weeks. Your baby girl is so so beautiful! You are right, her beauty is something you can see right away, but I'm sure pictures don't do it justice. Oh how my heart aches for you, even as we go through our own hard trial with our little one, I keep thinking of you and Nick and your sweet Holland. I don't know why these little ones have to be cut so short from life here on earth, but it was obvious she was and still is so very loved! I know prayers are what keep ya going through these foggy days, and that numbness you feel is Heavenly Fathers way of keeping you afloat. You should definitely keep her little things and document her life. It'll be a treasure for always! Ok... I know I'm babbling, but I just want you to know you and Nick have been in my prayers and we are sending love your way...
Shawna Wilson

Papworth's said...

Oh Lexie, my heart is still in a million pieces for you.

I'm grateful that I was able to be there for her lovely funeral, to hear about her and feel the most amazing spirit all around. Since I missed going to the cemetery, Michael drove me there later to see her and you are right, it is the most beautiful cemetery I've ever seen, well deserved for beautiful, precious, sweet, little Holland. You are on my mind all day and still always in my prayers. We'll never forget her.

Zach and Cristi Benedict said...

Thank you for this post. I'm so glad we have the gospel to know about life after this. You are in our prayers.