I've started calling the anniversaries of Holland's death, her Heaven Days. I don't personally think it's the greatest term; I think it's good to practice saying the word death and died and all of that. However, I am trying to turn it into a day of positive solace for our family; one in which I can explain it to Briz. So for Brizzy's sake, we refer to every 22nd as Holland's Heaven Day. The first year we will have them every month, and I'm not sure what we will do the second year, but definitely less frequent.
Today, Holland has been dead 5 months.
I have been extra grateful for Briz today and my ability to still feel like a Mom every day. I have been extra grateful for the fun moments we have together: laughing and coloring and learning (and yes, disciplining). I have been extra proud of my beautiful, strong little girl. And we have been talking an extra special amount about Holland. Briz likes to pretend that Holland is here, and she takes Holland along with her to do all sorts of fun things. Today, Briz talked about bringing Holland to Nike school, and going swimming with Holland. And today, as always, but perhaps a little more, I miss my beautiful little baby. One of the things I miss most is holding her and singing her. When we had our quiet moments together, we would look into each others' eyes. I would talk to her and listen to her sweet baby talking. But mostly, I loved to sing to her. Those are some of my favorite moments in this life: holding Holland in her room, taking in her sweet baby smell, sharing music with her, and feeling like we were connecting in a way that reaches beyond conversation.
After she died, I made a CD of songs that I call my Holland lullabye songs. These were songs that I sang to her a lot at night. They aren't spiritual or anything, just songs that remind me of these moments together with her. And this is one of my favorites: