Thursday, March 22, 2012

Heaven Day # 5

I've started calling the anniversaries of Holland's death, her Heaven Days.  I don't personally think it's the greatest term; I think it's good to practice saying the word death and died and all of that.  However, I am trying to turn it into a day of positive solace for our family; one in which I can explain it to Briz.  So for Brizzy's sake, we refer to every 22nd as Holland's Heaven Day.  The first year we will have them every month, and I'm not sure what we will do the second year, but definitely less frequent.

Today, Holland has been dead 5 months.

I have been extra grateful for Briz today and my ability to still feel like a Mom every day.  I have been extra grateful for the fun moments we have together: laughing and coloring and learning (and yes, disciplining).  I have been extra proud of my beautiful, strong little girl.  And we have been talking an extra special amount about Holland.  Briz likes to pretend that Holland is here, and she takes Holland along with her to do all sorts of fun things.  Today, Briz talked about bringing Holland to Nike school, and going swimming with Holland.  And today, as always, but perhaps a little more, I miss my beautiful little baby.  One of the things I miss most is holding her and singing her.  When we had our quiet moments together, we would look into each others' eyes.  I would talk to her and listen to her sweet baby talking.  But mostly, I loved to sing to her.  Those are some of my favorite moments in this life: holding Holland in her room, taking in her sweet baby smell, sharing music with her, and feeling like we were connecting in a way that reaches beyond conversation.  

After she died, I made a CD of songs that I call my Holland lullabye songs.  These were songs that I sang to her a lot at night.  They aren't spiritual or anything, just songs that remind me of these moments together with her.  And this is one of my favorites:


Katy said...

It doesn't compare to losing a child, but I lost my brother in a car accident June 19th, 2010. Almost two years later, when I realize it's the 19th of the month, I feel sad and think extra about him. We call it the anniversary of his death but more often the anniversary of when he went home to join Our Father. Over the last 4 months or so, I have noticed that I won't realize it's the 19th until it's gone. I think, is this healing? But no, it just makes me sad. I love opportunities to think about my brother and all the good in his heart. I don't have them enough anymore. And someday, you'll too come to a place where the loss of your baby doesn't shadow every thought. I don't know when because everyone is different. You'll take 2 steps forward, and 10 leaps backwards. And that's how it goes, or at least it has for me and my family. One thing is certain though, she is with God and that is worth celebrating, not our loss, but her gain.

I'm not sure if you even remember me from high school. We weren't in the same group of friends or anything, but I enjoy reading your blog. You've been so brave wearing your grief on your shoulder. Take care and God bless.


Zach and Cristi Benedict said...

I think of you often, as I have just given birth to my first baby, and I can't even comprehend what you went through and are going through. I admire your courage.

Garnerfam said...

We still think of you guys often. Briz is so beautiful and Holland is a sweet Angel looking down upon her. Thank you for sharing your blog. I love reading it!

Amander said...

Okay, I LOVE that song. It's been on all of my favorite playlists for the last couple of years. Of course you (and Holland) have good taste.

And I think the term Heaven Day is a nice one. And the 22nd and 23rd are wonderful days to think of Holland a bit more (not that you don't think of her constantly anyway).

Ashley said...

Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for my blessings amidst trials.

What a beautiful way to celebrate your daughters. I think the term "Heaven Day" is a sweet name. It sounds gentle and loving.

Your family continues to be in our prayers.

Meredith said...

I don't know what to say. I always read your posts, but I can't think of anything to add so I don't comment. But I wanted you to know that I do read your blog and I think about you often. We hope to make it out west this summer and so hopefully I can stop over and see you guys. I miss you a lot
I am glad you made a mix cd of those songs.