There were a few things that I had reactions to, so bare with me. The first was the story of another mother there. For anyone who knows something about my pregnancies, I have Cholestasis the last trimester. While it's a huge pain, it's never presented a big problem to my children (that I know of). I have to get induced, but other than that, my babies are chubby, healthy, and happy. But this woman's child died from her having Cholestasis. The toxins crossed the placenta (which is something that they try to monitor) and caused traumatic brain injury to the baby. The baby was born alive, but they had to put him on life support and eventually decide to take him off life support. As you can imagine, this scared me a lot. I am already anxious at the thought of having another baby, but I hadn't ever thought that my cholestasis would be a big factor in that anxiety. Sheesh. It just reminds of me how vulnerable we are as women and parents, and how little we can control, and that having a child is such a risk, period.
The other thought I had was about anger. A lot of times at group, women will talk about the anger they feel at other moms, other people, and even other babies. I have told myself that I will get angry at some point, because after all, it is one of the five stages of grief. But I haven't too much. And I have kind of wondered why (because getting angry isn't something I struggle with :) ). I realized that I have had angry moments but I have very directive ways of dealing with it. The first and foremost is spirituality. Going to church, praying, writing in my journal, reading my scriptures, and above all, going to the temple, I believe it has helped give me perspective on Holland's death and death in general. I have had those moments where I am mad at God and mad at the Universe and wonder "Why me?" But I have always felt God close, not necessarily giving me the answer I want, but giving me the peace I need. The second answer I would say is exercise. Right after Holland died, I utilized the trainer that Nick had gotten me for my previous birthday and I worked out like crazy. It worked out well because I wasn't working for a while and I had a lot of help with Holland. I remember there have been many times where I have turned on my angry music as loud as I can and just tune out the world while I lift weights or run hills, and I will just cry an angry cry. It feels good to sweat and cry and feel like I am shedding the anger. I can feel it, but I don't have to keep it inside. The third and final thing is definitely Briz. Not really a choice on my part. But she makes me laugh so much that I can't help but let go of irritations and anger (I might also add there are plenty of days where she is the contributing factor to my anger).
I thought I would contribute one of my angry songs that I like to work out too (this one has no swearing :) )