I have been thinking about my sweet Holland lately. It probably seems as if I am always writing that, but it isn't always the case. I obviously think about her every day, but there are times where I seemed to be fixed on some element of grieving her. And it seems to take up a lot of space in my mind when it's quiet. But often I think about her as a simple passing thought.
For Easter we were in Florida with Nick's family at Disneyworld. It was a total blast. Chaotic and crowded, but a blast all the same. And Briz and her cousins got very spoiled by their grandparents (no surprise there!). And I was a bit torn because I thought that I would do Easter in our home when we got back. It seemed kind of silly and I felt like Briz was already way too spoiled, so I just figured I would forget about it, no big deal. But even though it was kind of silly, it felt like a loss. I have a few marked occasions where I get to include Holland into our family traditions, and celebrating spiritual Holidays like Easter and Christmas are a few of those times. So I missed it and I missed her. Easter holds such more meaning to me than it ever did before, because my testimony of resurrection is so real now. And I get to think about reuniting with my daughter. I found myself wanting to remember her around this time. I craved it and am grateful that at the very least I am able to recognize these feelings and then do something about it. It is sad, but it brings me peace and hope.
I get jealous of other people getting to share their beautiful children with the world, which is probably why I share way too much of Briz. I don't like feeling that Holland is just my secret baby that I can't talk about because the sadness is uncomfortable. Her mortal life was short but she is still my daughter and often all I have to share of her are the feelings I am left with. But I am self conscious of being "pushy" and constantly reminding people of my dead daughter. I want to talk about her as much as I talk about my other daughter, but she isn't growing up in front of people's eyes, I don't have new pictures of her or new stories to tell. I have my grief and my few brief memories. And I have my faith and spiritual experiences. Well, that and other babies around me that I just want to love way too much!
On another note concerning Easter, this is the Easter song Briz learned and she loves it. I love hearing her sing it, as well.