Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Just Some Thoughts

Sometimes I will sit down to write on my blog at the end of the day, not quite sure if I am even going to post what I write.  At times it just feels too personal.  But I also enjoy feeling the catharsis that comes with sharing some of my thoughts and feelings.  And I certainly always love the support.  But I often feel greedy asking for it.  I often feel selfish. Everyone is going through their own struggles, they are getting by in their own worlds.  And it feels a bit risky, even if it just out in the "blogosphere."

I have been thinking about my sweet Holland lately.  It probably seems as if I am always writing that, but it isn't always the case.  I obviously think about her every day, but there are times where I seemed to be fixed on some element of grieving her.  And it seems to take up a lot of space in my mind when it's quiet.  But often I think about her as a simple passing thought.

For Easter we were in Florida with Nick's family at Disneyworld.  It was a total blast.  Chaotic and crowded, but a blast all the same.  And Briz and her cousins got very spoiled by their grandparents (no surprise there!).  And I was a bit torn because I thought that I would do Easter in our home when we got back.  It seemed kind of silly and I felt like Briz was already way too spoiled, so I just figured I would forget about it, no big deal.  But even though it was kind of silly, it felt like a loss.  I have a few marked occasions where I get to include Holland into our family traditions, and celebrating spiritual Holidays like Easter and Christmas are a few of those times.  So I missed it and I missed her.  Easter holds such more meaning to me than it ever did before, because my testimony of resurrection is so real now.  And I get to think about reuniting with my daughter.  I found myself wanting to remember her around this time.  I craved it and am grateful that at the very least I am able to recognize these feelings and then do something about it.  It is sad, but it brings me peace and hope.

I get jealous of other people getting to share their beautiful children with the world, which is probably why  I share way too much of Briz.  I don't like feeling that Holland is just my secret baby that I can't talk about because the sadness is uncomfortable.  Her mortal life was short but she is still my daughter and often all I have to share of her are the feelings I am left with.  But I am self conscious of being "pushy" and constantly reminding people of my dead daughter.  I want to talk about her as much as I talk about my other daughter, but she isn't growing up in front of people's eyes, I don't have new pictures of her or new stories to tell.  I have my grief and my few brief memories.  And I have my faith and spiritual experiences.  Well, that and other babies around me that I just want to love way too much!

On another note concerning Easter, this is the Easter song Briz learned and she loves it.  I love hearing her sing it, as well.

1 comment:

Carly said...

I love hearing/reading about Holly. I am so sorry you don't get to have new stories to share about her right now, but please write everything you want to about her!