Wonderful Day

As noted in my previous post, I was a little nervous about Holland's first birthday.  It was hard to know what to expect.  But it ended up being a wonderful day.  We were surrounded by people we love and felt lots of love from people all over the world.  I was able to reflect upon the huge blessing my little girl has been and is to me.  Our family has experienced some painful moments; things that I never ever thought I would have to go through.  But there has also been so much gained through all of that.

We were at Eagle Crest with the Ainge's for my cousin Kim and Joe's wedding.  We spent the morning horseback riding.  Our cousin Kennedy was nice enough to let us use her horse, Spirit.  And anyone who knows me knows how much I love horses, so I was in heaven.  And what was even more enjoyable, was watching Briz ride a horse and love it too.

Then we went back to the resort, went swimming.  We loved watching Briz get braver by the moment and little Dane go crazy in the water.

At 3:33 we started our birthday party.  We had a bunch of balloons, and all of our family members there wrote personal messages to Holland.  We then sent the balloons up.  And I honestly didn't expect it to be as cool as it was.  I'm not sure if it was cause we had a little group of people or what, but I loved it.  And I loved that Briz thought it was fun.

We then opened a present for Holland: just a little book.  And my sister and brother in law got her a card and some flowers.

And to top it off, we sang Happy Birthday and had some yummy Costco cake (thanks to my parents for getting that).  It was simple and sweet; just what I had envisioned.

But the best thing were all of the sweet messages we got: the pictures of people sending off their balloons.  I was shocked.  I just didn't expect people to remember a ton, or to be able to find time to send balloons off (it seemed like a bit of a fiasco for us!).  I am so glad that people thought of her on her birthday.  And it makes me feel so much peace because not only does it mean they are thinking about her, but that they are thinking about things that are greater than our stupid daily cares.  For just a moment, Holland makes us think about eternity.

Happy Birthday Baby

It is a few days before Holland's first birthday.  I  have so many thoughts in my head, so I thought I would just start writing them down.  Truthfully, I don't spend a ton of time obsessing over my baby girl.  I have pictures up of her all over my house.  We talk about her openly in our home and outside of our home when we feel that people are comfortable with it.  Briz gives her a kiss every night after saying prayers, and we visit her grave every few weeks.  Our angel Holland has become a part of our lives, as a spirit.  She is ingrained into the fabric of our every day lives and for the most part I am fairly used to this.  But every so often, it hits me how much I miss her and wish she were still here.  These are moments filled with crushing emotion.  I have so many things that come to mind: heartache, sadness, curiosity, and for the sure the biggest one guilt.  But as her birthday approaches and I'm reminded in a very strong way of how much I miss her, I am having a feeling of panic.  Losing a child is hard to explain, because the pain doesn't go away.  I don't miss her any less than I did the day after she died.  She is my daughter and she is a part of me, and the pain is just as real.  But as people who grieve say, we develop a "new normal."  I have learned to function with this ever persistent ache.  And I am used to it most of the time.  I found myself on the computer tonight (not able to sleep) searching the internet for her name.  I just want to hold on to anything that is her, and I thought that maybe I would find something new: something that would surprise me, and it would give me a little jolt.  It's like when I will randomly find a pacifier or a burp cloth in some hidden compartment that I didn't know had been there.  I grab it and smell and kiss it and I never want to let it go.  I still don't want to let my sweet girl go.  Each "first" I experience is scary.  Every time I reach a marker, it's difficult.  But this one feels bigger.  And as with all of the little markers, there are many anticipatory feelings (and not all bad). I hope that with  this first birthday and each first that I feel closer to her, not farther away.  It's a different kind of close than I thought I would experience with my daughter.  A different close than I experience with Briz (The thoughts and feelings I had before Brizzy's first birthday were obviously so completely different). But she is close by.  I hope I can continue to get to know her; no longer my beautiful baby, but my guardian angel.

This is why I watch the Olympics

I loved watching the Olympics. I cheered, I screamed, I yelled, and I gasped (okay and maybe I cried a little one the night of the opening ceremonies where they showed all different parts of England). But I also laughed. A lot. Many of these laughing moments came from the hilarious Olympic commentary. I know that none of it was meant to be funny, but yet, it was. And there were a few times that I laughed at the Olympians messing up. Again, not meant to be funny, but I can have a cruel sense of humor sometimes.

 

Summer Fun Part 2

Can you tell I'm a bit tired with the lack of creativity in my blog title?  We have been up to a lot of fun things and some other not as fun things (i.e. work) and we are pooped.    Here is a brieft update.

- We went to Utah and visited a lot of people we love.  Some of my favorite things about the time there was seeing Briz play with her cousins and also holding one of the cutest babies ever.  It was our first time meeting Kensie and I just couldn't get enough of her.  What a sweet, happy girl.  And the "big girl" cousins are hilarious.

- The family made the trek out to Logan and helped Nick with the start of the Cache Teton Relay.  Then everyone but Nick, Seth, and I headed back home.  We helped out with the relay.  And I'm not going to lie, it made me tired.  It was fun to work hard and be a part of it thought.  And it was such a cool finish at the Teton Village.

- While in the Teton Village, we took the tram up to the top of the mountain.  It was high.  I was scared.   We also decided to float down the Snake River.  Just us.  It was slightly dangerous, but it was a fun little adventure.

- Saw some friends that I love and miss: Nate, Mary and their adorable girls; I got to be there to wish Mander a Happy Birthday and meet Brian FINALLY!  And I ended up getting to see Carly, Sadie, and Elise.

-It has been HOT here.  And while 100 degrees is pretty hot in this humidity, I am not complaining.  Particularly, since we tend to find our way in the water.  Mostly thanks to Brett and Julia and their boat.  Can't get enough time in the water.

 Took Briz to Oaks Park, which is a white trash little amusement park here.  Briz loved all of the rides.  I had a blast watching her.  Nothing makes me happier than watch my little girl giggle.

 Have done some fun family activities.  Nothing too special, just enjoying being outside as much as we can.

I  have also been terrible about taking pictures.  That's my goal for the rest of the year, to take more pictures!!!  Some upcoming fun stuff: Joe and Kim's wedding at Eagle Crest (where Briz is going to take a crack at being a flower girl - she won't stop talking about it) and our Cruise!  Booyah.

Summer Fun

I have not been very good about posting stuff this summer.  And it has finally gotten nice outside!  We have tried to take advantage of it as much as possible.  So here is one ridiculously long post about the fun stuff we've been up to.

 Went to our cabin at Crescent Lake and enjoyed the really hot weather.  I burned and peeled! And I even put on SPF 50.  I think that is honestly a first.  That's how hot it was.

 Which is a good thing because the water could not have been warmer than 55 degrees.  

 Still, it is gorgeous.  You can see clear down to the bottom forever and even though it's a little chilly, it felt so good.

 Went to the Splash park with friends.  Briz loves Jaron and loves giving him hugs and kisses.  She's quite forward.

 Basked in the sun, tried to improve her tan with Piper.

Has been loving her friends a little too much!

 Enjoyed her "strawberry shortcake" slurpy on 7/11 (Everything is strawberry shortcake flavor these days).

 Went fishing with Dad.  She loves it, however, her attention span is about 2 minutes long when it comes to fishing.  Nick and I have tried a few different places and have yet to catch anything, but I will!  

 Spending time with Aunt Sisi.  Briz loves Sisi.  She used to hate her, but it's all changed now.  When she was here, Briz would follow her around and anytime she left the room would yell, "Sisi, where are you going?!?"  She will now wear something if Sisi likes it.

 Briz went surfing with her Dad behind the Nelson's boat.  She was very scared, but we've been working a lot this summer on her conquering some of her fears (other huge fears she has right now are snakes and bugs).

 

Tubing!  I think she's crying here and Julia and I are laughing.  But she did like it most of the time.

 I totaled our Honda Civic.  Yes, the beloved green machine is gone.  It's sad, but Nick keeps telling people I crashed it on purpose, because I got this beaut in return.  We got a Honda Pilot and I could not love it more.  It seriously makes me happy.  Didn't know a car could do that. 

 Buzzed Dad's head and went to the beach (not in the same day).

Went to Farmers Market in downtown Portland.  Briz used her "own money" to buy a butterfly ring. It was pretty ugly, and I realized it was my first experience of allowing her to make stupid financial purchases.  It's a good lesson for me to start learning now because I know it will be a life long battle for me.  What can I say? I'm very uptight and controlling when it comes to money.  But I'm workin' on it.

 Got sand all over her booty at the beach.  Just like her little behind.  That's all.

 We have flown kites a few times.  One of Briz' favorite things.  

 Walked around downtown Portland without pants and shoes (only Briz did this, but I have thought about it for myself).

 Have played LOTS and LOTS of candyland.  Oh geeze, I hate this game now.

 Lots of daily battles, lots of arguing, whining, crying, and power struggles :)  This little girl exhausts me!  I continue to prescribe to Love and Logic Style of Parenting for the most part.  But somehow she has learned how to manipulate and negotiate around choices and consequences.  Sometimes I wish she were more stupid.

 Have played dress up a lot and read lots of Tinkerbell books.  

We have swam a bit.  Never as much as I would like.  But Briz has started swimming without her water wings from time to time.  Getting her to be daring in the water still generally involves me bribing her with food or money.

 Getting excited for this and Nick has been working his ass off trying to prepare for this (I also had the chance to move to London for three months but I can't talk about it right now without falling into a deep depression).

In the meantime, I have been working for this man, trying to do my part to get him elected  (Please note that the last two pictures capture about 96.4 % of what we have spent our summer doing).

Other things not captured in pictures:

- I got a stress fracture in my left foot.  I have been wearing a boot around (although  not as much as I'm supposed to because I HATE it).  I get to start going for walks this weekend!  Woohoo!

- Trying to enjoy all the time we can together as a little family, cherishing all of our fun, chaotic, busy, boring, and hard moments.  

Our Temple Trip

We only live about fifteen minutes away from the Portland temple but we had an adventurous night there tonight as we visited the grounds after church.  Here is all of the exciting things that happened:

Part 1:  Briz was very excited about the flowers she saw at the temple.  She was also excited about posing with her dress as she sat down.

Part 2 - Perfected the posing and Dad made her laugh so hard that  . . . 

Part 3:  She took a pee right on temple grounds.  Yep, we had no warning.  All of a sudden, there was a big puddle.  We contemplated tossing her sopping underwear in the bushes, but then realized that that may qualify us for hell, so we opted for making her carry them around.

Part 4:  Like the dirty girl she is, she took it in stride and carted her pee underwear around like a champ.  She kept dropping them on the ground, saying "Woops, I dropped them!"  At one point she enthusiastically threw them in the air like a pom pom.

Part 5:  Perfecting the posing with the pee underwear.  She started to get pretty comfortable with them, and she started treating them just like an accessory.  At one point she even wacked another little girl in the head with them.  No biggie.  Who hasn't gotten hit in the head with someone else's underwear drenched in pee right?   

Nick and I felt like this was one of  the true highlights of our parenting careers thus far.  Especially when Briz went up to try to talk to other little kids and the parents gave her (and the smelly object in her hand) the stink eye.  At that point, we just ignored her.  Yep, we are excellent parents.  It wasn't quite the spiritual evening we had anticipated, but at least Nick and I had a good time laughing at our child.