In the last almost four weeks I have had a lot of people say many different things to me. All of which have been kind, loving, and from a place of sympathy (and at times empathy). But one thing that people have said to me quite a bit has gotten stuck in my head. A lot of people have told me I'm strong. I am generally uncomfortable with compliments, but this is one that particularly does not sit well with me. Because I do not feel strong. I have better days than others, but regardless of good or bad, I consider it an accomplishment to get out of bed and get my child dressed and fed. Sometimes I am ambitious and take a shower, maybe even run an errand. But no, I have never felt more incapable or weak in my entire life. So when people tell me I'm strong, I in fact, feel like perhaps I'm a hypocrite or that there is this idea that I am someone I really am not.
I have had others tell me that I am strong simply because I am functioning. And I can understand that to a degree. Before Holland died, there were times where I thought about what would happen if I lost one of my children and my first thought is that I would simply die. If I had been able to picture the scenario of finding my daughter dead in her crib, I would think that I COULD not exist. But you just do. You survive. I don't know how or why, except to say that I think a great part of it is the Lord sustaining me. By no means am I functioning well, but I am still breathing, and have not yet had to enter a mental institution (note the word yet!). And I believe that the Lord has given me a gift of understanding life after death. This is not because of me at all; it is something he has simply handed me, probably because he knew I would need it to help me survive all of this. So no, it does not make me strong. In a small way, it makes me lucky. It makes me feel humble.
By saying I'm strong, in some way, indicates that perhaps there is a way that a person could be weak when they've lost a child; that there is a right or wrong way to grieve and/or cope. And I have found that there isn't. Everyone moves at their own pace and grives in their own way. I do not believe there is any strong or weak that exists. I think anyone can just do the best they can. Sometimes the best I can is to just wake up and think about my baby girl and cry.
7 comments:
Thanks for these thoughts. I am pretty sure I am guilty of saying you are strong. Your point that there is no one better way of grieving is well taken.
I love your thoughts. You are grieving. And through it you are surviving - even though you don't know how you are doing it. What you are going through is unfathomable to most people. When I think about you finding Holland it is hard for my mind to even comprehend.
But what I do know is that you do have an incredible spirit about you right now. I mean, I've always thought you were an incredible person (hence why we are friends), but I can definitely tell the Lord is close to you now.
Anyway, I could go on and on, but I suppose your blog comments is not the place for that.
you are strong, i hope one day you can look back at this time and see just the many ways that you are. but what really stands out to me as a stength is your ability to lean on the lord. you take what he is giving you and you allow him to teach or just give to you. some would not listen or recieve. some would blame and fall way. you seem stonger. at least that is what i can see.
i believe you are strong, but maybe not the way you would define strong. you are strong, if only because you have been relying on the Lord to get you through this. that is not weakness, that is true humility. there is no right way to grieve, nor is there a time frame for your grief. but know that i believe you are strong, not because it means the absence of weakness, but the increasing of humility. you don't need to function well, just function. just understand that when people say you're strong,it's just that our view is the same as your's was before holland died. the thought of going on is unimaginable. and yet you do it, and are open about your grief and real about this incredibly hard process. that is strength and i will always admire you for it. i love you.
I don't know why this experience has been handed to your family. Its been taught that the Lord will give us no burdens our backs can bear. While going through trials in my life I often wonder if that is true, but much later came to understand. But this is as difficult trial as I can think of. I love that you talk of humility. It is when we are humble that the powers of heaven truly work in our lives; the power of faith, the power of the Holy Ghost, the power of the Priesthood, the Power of Prayer---all of these and other powers of heaven work in our lives when we are first humble. I know you well, and I can assure you that you have always been a strong person in so many ways. You have great depth and strength. When you combine this with the powers of heaven that you are being blessed with, it will help you both with the ability to make it through this, and eventually, you will be compensated both in this life and in the life to come. We're told that God will "consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain." You have already shown great strength in lifting so many, even while grieving. It is good for us not to always think of ourselves as "strong," but to have that humility that draws upon us the powers of heaven. Give yourself time, as this will be a long process. I love you so much!
thanks for sharing this, lexie. love you so much.
I know I have said that you are "strong". I can now understand that it is the last thing that you feel. The feelings that you have shared, and the grief that you express so eloquently allows me to somehow get a glimpse of what you are going through. I thank you for that, because it helps me understand the plan of our Heavenly Father better. I think you are coming to Utah for Thanksgiving. I would love to get together for lunch or dinner with the girls if you are available.
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