Warning: I am about to write some things that are sort of sad (shocker I know!). So if you are not in the mood to heard sad things, then do not continue reading.
These are some hard moments I have had in the last four weeks:
- First few mornings waking up to hearing her cry
- Flying on an airplane from Salt Lake City to Portland, leaving the last place Holland was alive.
- Holding my nephew Dane, hoping that it would help me fill the emptiness in my arms, but realizing that only Holland could do that.
- Going to my first day back at church and realizing that I have to fast (wasn't planning on having to do that for quite some time!). This by the way was more irritation.
- Going to my first day back at church, the day that was Holland was supposed to be blessed and finding out there would be another blessing that day.
- Going to costco: seeing people shop for Christmas presents happily, watching the carts with happy kids, siblings. I ended up wandering around, not knowing where I was walking, and just crying (and most likely getting weird looks from people, but was too caught up in my thoughts to even notice).
- Packing away bottles
- Crying with my doctor and having him tell me I may need medication to help me function.
I have had obviously much harder moments than these, but they are too personal and traumatic to share. But suffice it to say, I think I may have gotten a cold from crying too much. Is that possible?
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7 comments:
I love you Lexie. I can't imagine the multitude of hard things that you have to endure every day.. It's so difficult to wait for time to heal what can't be healed any other way. Like you said earlier, you are doing the best you can and that is enough. I would need an industrial strength Costco CRATE of medication to get me through something only 1/8 as hard as what you are going through. You are in my prayers every day.
So many hard things. It just doesn't seem fair. And I know life isn't fair, but still.
It's good to read your sad things - helps me know a little more about what you are experiencing.
Thanks for writing about it Lex, i'm sure that's a hard thing to do to. But i'm grateful that you want to share a piece of your sweet Holland with us all and a piece of yourself as well. Its one of the many reasons I love you.
i think about you constantly, lex. can't imagine what these moments must feel like.
you'll be in my prayers for pretty much forever.
love you.
Lexie, do you remember me from girls camp and the LO Stake...anyway, I ran across your blog and my heart breaks for you. I read your blog and I am sending many prayers your way.
I can't even imagine losing a child, but I did lose my mom last year to ALS...I just pray that you know you are loved and watched over.
Sending many hugs your way.
Lexie- Thank you for sharing. I wish I could take some of the pain. I wish I could give you even a moment when your heart was not heavy. My prayers are with you always.
I'm so sorry Lexie. I hope the hard times can become not so hard some day. I wish we could help ease your pain. I think medication is a totally normal thing and I feel like there's a reason we have it. I'd need it too if I had to go through what you are. FYI: I think the Lord understands if the whole fasting thing is a little tough for a while. We're thinking of you still and hope you have some better moments from time to time.
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