This title may be misleading a bit. I don't have any extreme epiphanies or anything like that. Just a few thoughts. First, I love spring. Even in the Northwest, where it's still cloudy and rainy, I love the fact that it's getting warmer and I can hear birds chirping. I love the spring colors in stores. And I also love the idea of a fresh start: a clean house, some new clothes, its refreshing. I have been getting excited about organizing/cleaning my house.
But in that process I have discovered some things, things that I hadn't realized before. I realized how much I have still been holding on to my sweet baby girl, even in just things I keep around the house.
I am not sure if it's because she was the first, but with Briz, I was always so excited about each new stage. I was excited for new clothes, new shoe sizes. I felt like I was constantly packing stuff up, organizing her things. And then I remember getting out all of my baby stuff for Holly a few weeks before she was born. I would pull out the boxes and go, "Oh yeah. . . .! I forgot about this little outfit!" And I was excited to use some of my baby stuff again.
About 6 months after she died, Nick and I cleaned out her room, moved Brizzy's stuff, and sort of reorganized our stuff upstairs. I put away my bottles and my small diapers and all of that stuff. But I still kept out a lot of my "in-between" stuff. Stuff like sippy cups and bibs, little baby toys. I figured Briz would use it for a while. But Briz is definitely not a little toddler anymore. She is a full fledge girl. And the part of me that used to get so excited about a new stage with Briz gets sad and anxious now. She has been potty trained for about a year and a half, and yesterday, I finally put diapers and wipes away. I think I had it out and kept it out always figuring that I would use it again fairly soon. But recently, just recently, it has dawned on me that I won't be using that stuff soon. It has made me incredibly sad, but also it has helped me to accept the facts of where I am at. I realize how much of me has been waiting around. I'm not really sure what I have been waiting for, truthfully. But I used to not be like that. I used to try to seize every moment (well, at least, most moments). It is something I have worked on in my life, enjoying the moment I am in, rather than constantly waiting and looking for when I will be happy (and trust me, it's been a very conscious effort) With Holly dying, I lost this completely. And I don't know, maybe I was waiting just for the pain to lessen, but either way, I am ready to enjoy and embrace each moment of my life. Or I should say, ready to try.
And on another note, in my efforts to be more present, Briz has decided to start being extremely difficult lately. She is an extremely smart, stubborn little girl, but sometimes to a detriment. This morning, she was so frustrated with me because I wouldn't read her stories before nap time (because she refused to use the word please), and so she went from hitting me, to throwing her jewelry at me, and then eventually spitting. I had to turn my face because I couldn't stop laughing. What a funny, dramatic girl. Hopefully I can laugh when she's 16 and doing that :)